Apathy @ MindSay

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm hungry, but I can't find the willpower to get up and get something to eat. So then I just don't get hungry anymore. I have an incredible headache right now, in fact I've probably eaten more tylenol in the past 48 hours than food. I haven't left my room more than 4 times in the past 48 hours.  I actually have class tomorrow, which means that I will have to go outside and face the real world. But then I'm done for the week again. Apparently Monday was some sort of holiday and we didn't have classes, while I only have classes on Monday and Wednesday each week, so I had a full week of nothing. And then one day of classes, and then another four days of nothing this week. So basically I'm doing nothing right now. Haven't done anything, haven't eaten, haven't felt the motivation to leave.

Oh also haven't showered in a bout a week. Since I haven't had anywhere to go or people to see I've just been loafing around. I really hate myself for this. On good days I like to wear cologne and feel fresh and clean, but that hasn't happened in about a month. I tend to go through phases of absolute grunge to fresh and clean. I haven't shave for a month now and I've got a gross mustache and neck beard. My hair is getting long too and that's not helping my appearance. I'm pretty sure that someday this week I'll have my cleaning up ceremony where I actually take a shower, clean my face, shave, wear clean clothes, and not look like a tramp.

Maybe this is all because I've been abnormally depressed lately. More so than I've ever been before. I just don't care about things anymore. I know I'm depressed, but I'm just riding it out.

Numbness has finally set in and I welcome it. Now there's only detatchment and cool logic.  Even though I had the whackiest dream EVER, last night I slept better than I've slept in two or three months. I no longer feel anxious or sad or overwhelmed -- I feel nothing. The best part is I can now get things done. I had to drag myself out of bed and muster up the will to do everyday things like get dressed and go to work. I kept putting off going to the grocery store, etc.  Today, I even got up early. Got dressed went to work, dropped by my mom's house and visited for a while.  I even went to the grocery store (finally).

 

By the way, we're late paying the kiddo's tuition and I don't give a shit. 

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I bothered to pour my little heart out to the internet, but I don't feel much like disclosing anything too personal quite yet.  Allow me to bore you with the least entertaining first.  I took the ACT's yesterday morning.  And though I felt I did considerably better than the last attempt on the first few sections, I completely massacred the science and writing portions.  I have no authority as to disclose exact information about those sections but I will tell you that I did not have enough time to write my essay seeing as I spent far too much time pre-planning, and science, well, let's just say my whole sophomore year spent in biology was a complete waste as far as helping me out in the science field.
I was going to write more, but I just came down with a sudden case of complete apathy to do any sort of catharsis.

Hope your weekend was enjoyable.

Oh, and it rained "today" making it the official last Cold November Rain of the year. The propriety of the situation was stunted due to the fact that (despite it being a hela long day) I didn't feel all that crappy. Oh well, it was still...not really sure there's an adjective for it. It was still...there.

                                                      21^st Century Apathy

 

 

 

  The dregs of society are lying in moldy corners, soaked with the sweat of desperation and drunk from a glut of self and desire.  No motives save self.  No desire, except for what can be acquired now.  They are like slices of meat laying in a display for predators.  They are the abused. This is what they want you to think.

   They are the new stench of refuse in the 21st century. They have no sense of future or hope for love.  Love… is not in their box.  They are the diseased, the new age parasites awaiting a host.  And they do wait... and wait... and wait.  They fill the streets, with their stench, these vampire like hoards of young maggots, as they rape and gorge and shit themselves.  Who is to blame?  Is it us... the gone be fore’s?  Is it the sum of the shameless gluttony of self, we poured on ourselves, the children of the summer of love?  Is it because we the “ME” generation, showed our gone be fore’s that we had a sense of self unlike no other in the history of man.  Is it because we fed and bathed in an orgy of whatever beset our daily whim?  Did we allow this lost generation of souls to die before their time?  It is the lost generation, and there may not be enough of them who will survive the holocaust to come.  Theirs' is the civil war of fear. Fear of the nothing. The most destructive force in the universe is the nothing.  Be that as it may... they are here and they are crying out in a way that is deafening to some and a whisper to others. It is a sadness that yellows the teeth and cripples the heart. For I fear there is no hope ... no salvation ... and no one who cares enough to mount a defense, and therefore I shed a tear.