Anxious @ MindSay

Fucking anxiety attack! Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck FUCK!

 

 Right in the middle of a supermarket, in the middle of the afternoon, there I was, standing in the aisle looking and feeling like a complete TOOL!

 

 ARGH! I HATE THIS!

 

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

It isn't bad enough that there's a storeload of soccer mums there, I have to be right in the middle of the aisle, breathing like I'm having a heart-attack and shaking and feeling dizzy and . . . .

 

eugh I don't want to think about it. Where's the gin? 

I leave tomorrow. I have to take the train at 7am to the Nuremberg Train station and then from there I have to take the Subway all the way to the Airport. Hopefully I can manage all my luggage by myself. I've got two huge suitcases filled, a red duffel bag, and then my laptop case with laptop and books. That's a lot for one person, too much in fact.

I'm really nervous, because I know that even though I'm going home, I'm still not comfortable. There's going to be so much explaining and crying and anger and just all sorts of things that I don't want to deal with. Basically why I kept all this to myself for 12 years.

Well I'm off to bed. I have to get up really early. My tandem partner's picking me up at 6:30 then taking me to the train station. Good night.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now I can't even type an entry.

I've been having some fairly disturbing nightmares recently, although I haven't had a nightmare since I was a child. Yesterday I actually woke up sweating because it was that real. These are horrifyingly, vivid nightmares. I keep dreaming of ripping my teeth out chunk by chunk, flesh by bit of flesh until there is nothing left but bloody stumps in my mouth. The pain I feel in the dream is so real, that quite a few times I've woken up in my sleep and felt my own teeth to make sure they were still there. The only thing that I can possibly equate these dreams with is my middle toe. I know this sounds crazy, but I am crazy. I have terrible habits of picking at the skin on the corners of my thumbs until the skin tears and bleeds. Also I chew at the flesh on the inside of my cheeks, biting of little pieces and eating them. Well I was having a really really bad day and I started to pick at my nails, ripping them apart. Well when I got to my middle toe and started to pick at the nail, it ripped all the way into the middle of the nail. So I ripped the whole thing off. Didn't even hurt, it bled for a while, but that stopped. I moved onto the other foot and picked at the nails again, same thing happened to the middle toe, so I ripped it out too. It was sore the next day and felt funny walking, but there wasn't any real pain.

That's the only thing I can associate with the dreams and it only dawned on me today. I keep having the same dream over and over again. Even when I switch sides in the middle of the night, the dream will just continue but in another format. Sometimes my teeth are thick and sometimes there are hundreds of teeth in my mouth, but they all get ripped out.

I'm slightly anxious about going to sleep right now....

Lately, I've been getting this weird anxious/nervous feeling once and a while. It comes on randomly, and it's almost like I can't focus on much when it happens. My brain goes on overdrive, and it's like all my thoughts and everything I want to say becomes jumbled together and I can't think....my stomach gets twisted. Like right now, just sitting here typing about it makes me start to get a little jolt of that feeling. And I hate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After sitting here for ten minutes, I'm alright.

 

I have twenty one days left of highschool...and it's starting to scare me more now. But I'll be fine. I've already got it all figured out where I'll go to school, and I've already signed up for some classes...so it's all set to go. I think I'm ready for a complete change, though!! It's exciting........but scary at the same time because it's all coming soooooooo fast. Buttttttttt I'm excited for my grad party in June.

 

Another kid committed suicide...a month away from graduation, and he's gone. He went home right after school, skipping track practice...and shot himself. His mother found him. It's heartbreaking, and even though I didn't know him--it still gets to me. It's another teenager lost to something that could've maybe been prevented if he just reached out a hand or asked for help....another teen statistic.

 

The nervousness is coming back....I wish it would just stop.

 

Love you all.
Thanks for everything.