Anxiety Attack @ MindSay 
Er, The movie last night was pretty good, but I'll never watch it again ._.
I had a doctor's appointment today and passed with flying colors. Doc assured me that I'm on the right path to continuing to stabilize myself emotionally. Even without being on a mood stabilizer, I tend to fend off the difficulties that my bi-polar disorder gives me through ritual, counseling, meditation, anti-depressants, and sedatives. However, my self medication isn't always the best way to normalize myself considering that, besides giving the appearance that I am outgoing, I often withdraw from the public and use my online presence as a mask to deal with the outside world. This method continues to isolate me, making a continuing career in book illustration slow going. As many of my friends know (if you don't, don't worry, I'll be writing about it more later, given time), I've been slowly working on a comic book that will be published as soon as it is translated into several North American Indian languages as part of a native language preservation project. Whenever I talk about the book (and possible other books, if all goes well) I feel like I am bragging about my "eggs" before they've gotten a chance to "hatch" out of my basket. Besides this project, I should go on to do more. I have a full room full of paintings and pen and ink illustrations that would perfectly flesh out anyone's fantasy and horror novel, but they remain locked away as I am unable at this time to really push myself out there. It's not that I'm not ready. It's just having a mental illness is distracting me from living up to my full potential.
But that's not what I want to talk about today. Let's just say right now, for the most part, I am (to quote an Indigo Girls' song) "close to fine" and living my life as mundane as I can get.
Today was the first day in many months that I had an anxiety attack, one that nearly sent the crowd around me to calling 911, and I had the darnedest time, barely able to control my breath and speak, convincing people I was not having a heart attack. It happened in the middle of Wal-mart, of all places. I just got overwhelmed by the crowds. There were just too many people in one space for me, all of them complaining, huffing and hawing over getting what they needed for backyard parties, pushing and shoving, being generally rude, and suddenly I was stuck in their cloud of impatience. I was dizzy, I couldn't breathe, could barely stay on my feet, my knees seemed to give out from under me, but I wasn't afraid of dying, I was more afraid of making a scene and the more afraid I was of making a scene, the more a scene was created. I foamed at the mouth, spitting it out to catch my breath. If you saw me, you'd think I was a middle-aged female berserker armed only with a gleaming shopping cart only half filled with groceries leaning on it for support while everyone around me who did see me crowded around me to help me, making it all the worse.
By the time I swallowed down a sedative and the store manager was escorting me to a room in back to chill out, all I could think of was the conversation I had this morning with my doctor! It had been such a positive appointment. I found out that I was getting better. And then my body does this to me. UGRHHHHH! The next thing I thought about was how some people who witnessed my little breakdown might have thought I was doing it to gain attention. I started to feel the criticism eat at me and even though they did show concern, the feeling sank into the back of my mind and grew there. Next I thought about how much I would love to travel and visit not just friends, but go to comic book conventions and attend classes again at university, and my heart sank because that means having to keep pushing myself to be stronger. I think I can work myself up to that someday, but for now, my mind and body tell me that the worst thing to do is push myself too hard. I have to ease my way back into society and super glue my game face on, because I don't think I can take being a rainbow in the dark anymore.
You, my friends, know I am talented. I don't lack in creativity or beauty. But I have to earn a better living at what I do somehow and not continue to be crazy! 
I read the blogs of my friends who are doing well in the entertainment business and I wish I had their simple resolve to let little things roll off their duck backs -- sure everyone who is anyone experiences social anxiety, but it really bites when you get attacks doing simple things like grocery shopping!
The only thing I can think of that brought the attack out was I didn't follow my routine today. All my appointments, meetings, etc., were all off schedule. See, part of my coping method is to follow routine and make what I do each day a ritual, going step by step. I never know when I'll react adversely to a situation (because it doesn't happen all the time) but every now and then, when my routine is disrupted or I lose track of time, my mind seems to get lost. I'm feeling better now and I lead a much more stable lifestyle now, too, yet when I get an attack out of the blue like this, it tends to make me self doubt myself -- or at least check myself.
I think I've got the strength to carry on and I'm just going to stick with that. I am generally a happy person. I love people. I'm a non-violent, tree hugging feminist who only happens to be a little too emotive. Maybe I should try to channel the energy into another new painting or story? Hmmm.... Or maybe I should just become an actress.
In any case, let me out of here! I think I've said enough. You all have a great Labor Day weekend. I am going to vegetate for awhile this evening and send all my loved ones --ESPECIALLY Jenn and Damien who, just before their first wedding anniversary, gave birth to their youngest son, Myles Julian -- lots of extra wishes, luck, hugs, and love. Don't worry if you don't hear from me later this weekend. I might be somewhere inside the safety of my "cave" watching old movies and sucking on popsicles!
Fucking anxiety attack! Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck FUCK!
Right in the middle of a supermarket, in the middle of the afternoon, there I was, standing in the aisle looking and feeling like a complete TOOL!
ARGH! I HATE THIS!
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
It isn't bad enough that there's a storeload of soccer mums there, I have to be right in the middle of the aisle, breathing like I'm having a heart-attack and shaking and feeling dizzy and . . . .
eugh I don't want to think about it. Where's the gin?
Arrrrrrrr man o man I have to stay away from some blogs, I really do, I sometimes joke about ignorance, but in all honesty it is better for me. I need to stick to the few friends I have here, where I know I'm going to be safe from reading something and going into an anxiety attack, I was having such a nice pieceful sunday... opinions are like assholes and yes we all have one. Everyone is entitled to one as well.... k counting to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 .... slowing down.... anways I hate to ruin the mood that I set with my last entry but I have to get it out or I'm going to be in bad shape, here is my response to the blog that bothered me, I don't want to give the users name, they don't deserve the traffic for this one, if you really want to know I will tell you....
(Please Note: this is in total sarcasm)
I’m totally ignorant to all this stuff, I try and stay away from blogs like this cause what’s going on in the world deeply affects me and I end up in the hospital suffering from a manic episode, serious depression when I find out about this stuff.
I had no idea that Madonna or “Hollywood” was getting Africanized. Who’s Madonna anyways? I had to look that name up, looks like nobody has ever heard of her so she needs a lot of gimmicks to get attention no wonder the bitch is trying to help, I even think that Princess... umm already forgot her name, oh ya Diana... before she died wasn’t she on that same attention getting champagne helping children around the world and the worst one of all was that evil MotherTheresa, she devoted her whole to getting attention, the nerve of some people. I'm guessing Bob Geldof and Live 8 is to blame for all of this, I never even new Africa existed until that concert, which kind of sucked except for Pink Floyd reunion, imagine trying to get attention or educate people on the horrible situation, the freaking nerve of them trying to bring awareness, they all should be punished, fined or jailed.
I’m thinking about what you said and your right its a total waste of money dumping it into a country with so little to offer, they have too many problems to even try to fix, we need to totally ignore Africa and give it no help what so ever. I think celebrities or people in a position to bring awareness should buy a bomb and donate it to a war torn country, we need more awareness of the wars going on! That brings me to Bill Gates donating half billion dollars into AIDs research.... that bastard the nerve of him such a gimmick to sell more operating systems, he should be fined or jailed for donating that much money.
This world is going to hell in a hand basket with all these people trying to bring awareness to horrible situations around the world not just Africa, it’s making people like me suffering from major-depression even sicker. I think we should have a big rally… every one bring there cd’s or albulms, there computers if they have a windows operating system and any memorabilia of anyone trying to help Africa or any other country and will have a country wide burning of all this crap. That should teach them for trying to help!