Anxiety @ MindSay

I was a rape victim on December 15, 2006.  I was at work when it happened and I do not know who he was-he wore a mask, gloves, etc...  I just want to speak to others who have been through this humilating nightmare and hope to be able to help someone through it and them help me as well.  I have good days but when I have bad, they are really "bad".  The flashbacks are getting worse as I try so hard not to think or talk about it but my doctor tells me to join an organization and talk to others, I am just not willing to do it face to face.  I am still too hurt and embarrased to look at anyone or anyone look at me that "knows." 

I totally skipped the month of May. A lot has been going on in my neck of the woods. I have been able to pop on a few times here and there to check out what my peoples have been up to, but really have not had the time to do an actual entry. Here is my usual little bulleted summary of stuff in no particular order of happenings.

• Ben and I broke up. We are still great friends and see each other everyday. He is probably moving to Arizona because he can make nearly almost triple what he does here.
• helendaysauce had her baby!
• My cell phone is on the verge of dying. Evidently a lot of moisture got into it and fucked it up hardcore. I didn't know what to do, so Ben and I went to the Alltel in Merrill seeing as there are no Alltels in Wausau. The dick working asked me "Are you sure this is an Alltel phone?". Uh, yeah...I wouldn't be bringing it to you if it wasn't. It is now working, but hit and miss. Of course, I don't have insurance on it and I have over a year left in my contract.
• It is Woodchuck season again!
• I finally went to the doctor for my anxiety and depression. The doctor put me on Fluoxetine and I am to call him in two weeks to let him know how it is going. So far I am not feeling any different except I am now sleeping through the night.
• Going on two months of overtime at work and people are really getting sick of it; not the pay, but working the long hours and not getting a thank you. Four ten hour days for sure; an occassional fifth ten hour day or a half day is thrown in there.
• My brother graduated from college.
• I have been looking for different fulltime employment since about Thanksgiving and haven't had much luck. Not really expecting much out there now with the current state of the economy.
• I was off of work at the video store for medical reasons and went back in the begining of May to let the manager know I was able to come back to work. He told me that because he didn't know when I was going to be coming back, he hired a bunch of people and now he didn't even have the hours to give them. Is it that hard to give me a call and be like, "Hey Sara, this is Shaun. I was wondering if you had a possible timeline for when you would be coming back. I am looking to be hiring more people and wanted to make sure you were coming back before I started interviewing."
• My brother's band Flash Back has been playing at a bar in Rapids on a regular basis and now is going to be playing there every third Saturday of the month.
• Will be seeing Seether and REO Speedwagon this summer at the fair.
• Had pink-eye. I was really hoping it was just allergies, but of course it couldn't be. Plus, I have never had goopy eyes with allergies, so I knew it was a long shot. The whole week prior to my pink-eye, five out of the seven kids in my classroom had the whole pink-eye like symptoms; none of their doctors would confirm it, but they were treating it with drops just to be on the safe side. Yeah, try to tell me none of them had pink-eye and I ended up with it -- in BOTH eyes.
• I really want to see NKOTB when they tour this summer.
• Brought my bike up from my parents' place. I haven't ridden it much yet. I really need to ride from the apartment to work to see how long it is going to take me to ride to work.
• Might be heading back to the Twin Cities this summer and head back to IKEA and go to the Hard Rock Cafe. I will call ahead and make sure that they have the Lillberg couch before I go.

I'm writing here because I have a fight tomorrow and I need to clear my head. I'd rather be talking to someone, but I've burned all those bridges now. It's okay, I mean, as much as I'd rather that they were in my life, I can't NEED them. It's still just a little hard, you know, not having anybody around.

Emily could see that I was having a rough day, and she offered to listen, but it was just a little too close to to the truth, and I couldn't tell her. I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. I wasn't going to mention anything about the causes of it all, but I desperately wanted her to know how alone I felt. Feel. She's felt able to rely on me for emotional support when days get rough, and probably wanted to reciprocate. But I couldn't. Part of it is how much she reminds me of Hannah, part of it is how much the whole situation reminds me too much of Hannah. I fell in Love with her through an alternating series of one of us opening up to the other, and the same thing is wrenching us apart. I can't open up to people with that deapth anymore. I'm scared of the pain. I'm terrified. Nightmares cause me to sweat, but this kind of terror causes me to shiver. I'm paralyzed by it. It's strangling me right along with the guilt of all the things I've done, and most immediately the guilt of the things I have to do.

What is the right thing? Is Roslin right? Is the right thing a luxary? What's it all worth? Will I still have a soul when it's over? Can I get through it without hurting the people I love any more? Can I continue to live if I can't?

Can Hannah and I ever rebuild our friendship if I continue to insist that I can't turn to her in times of trial? Would it matter? What if it was the only way? Could I do it?

Her friendship is worth everythng to me. I would do anything to preserve it. But what if it's no longer in my power to allow her to BE a friend? Can I fix it? What if I'm just not strong enough to hold on? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I live to find out? These questions bind me like a noose, strangling me, breaking me under the weight of their absent answers, and beneath the fear of their revelation.

I'm tired. I'm desperately tired. I'm tired of hanging onto the cords that tie me to half-forgotten memories and the friendship at their core, when those memories are so far out of my view that I'm not even sure if they're at the other end anymore. I love Hannah, but if she untied one end of the line and walked away from it, I don't think she'd ever tell me. Hell, she might not be able to recognize it. I guess it's likely that she's on the other end, afraid to let go just like me. Is it too much to hope for that she is as sure as I am that it's worth it to hang on, no matter how much it hurts?

Or the worst question: What if I'm the one that's let go? God forgive me if that's true.

I can't do this anymore. This brought a lot more to the surface than I was expecting. My speed-dial now accesses a blank address book entry that her number used to occupy. Yes, I remember the number, but it's one I won't call for help anymore. I can't. I could once, and now she hates me for it. No, I can't do this anymore, but I can't turn to her either. I think I might just go bury my face in a quilt and see if I can't drop a tear or too, then either try this again or go over to Taylor's when I feel I can handle my emotions without informing him.

I just...there's not enough comfort here right now. This is all a lot harder than I wanted it to be. To be continued.

You asked me to not go to the BSS building when you are there. Is that correct? If so, I will not agree to that. I think that asking me to not go see my teachers (who are ALL in the BSS building) during thier office hours just because you are tabling is a bit ridiculous. But I can understand you not wanting me to hang out in front of the BSS building while you are tabling. That I can do. If it is correct to say that you don't want me "hanging around" the BSS building when you are there, then I will agree to that. I will go the BSS building when I need to regardless if you are there. I will not hang around the BSS building when you are.

And yes, of course I'm going to tell you to see your psychologist. You need to. You were suicidal, that was my main reason for referring you to a professional before. Now, you are having major PTSD issues (apparently, I don't really know first hand), which says to me, "I need help." If you had a friend with huge life and PTSD problems, I'm sure you'd tell that person to see his psychologist too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've decided that what is best for both of us is the end of any relationship between you and I. You can't stand seeing me or hearing about me, going places we've been together, etc. I'm tired of you projecting your problems upon me. I am not the reason you feel bad, and I am not going to let you make me feel as though I am. You are an unnecessary addition of anxiety in my life and so, this is good bye. I hope you find the help you need to get through your problems. Good luck with the rest of your life.