Antidepressants @ MindSay

Sept 5^th

Even when I am depressed, or maybe especially when I am depressed, I can eat my weight in breakfast. I had the Spacetown Breakfast at the Derry Diner, and the waitress applauded me for finishing everything, right down to the enormous waffle that she said is most people’s undoing. I grinned shyly, acknowledging her praise, and felt actual pride. I am 30 going on 6.

Between being unable to find any decent clothes due to the move and the apathy with which I awoke, I am dressed like a tragic soccer mom. My hair is scraggled back in an elastic. These are the most attractive years of my life, and this is all I have to offer.

This morning I woke up afraid. My dehydration headache was a reminder of last night’s cryfest. I told Eric that he shouldn’t have to babysit me, but he worked from home to keep me company because I was afraid to be alone and sad. Usually, I am just afraid to be alone in a house with crappy locks. Today, I didn’t really care if anyone broke in.

I don’t think Eric got much work done. We went to Home Depot for screws, and I picked out some tulip bulbs that caught my eye, while simultaneously telling myself that I would never be organized enough to get them planted.

At suppertime I almost cried when I couldn’t find cayenne pepper and a baking pan for hot wings. I ended up using a turkey roaster placed in an oven full of ashes I didn’t have the strength of body or mind to remove following the self-cleaning we had done earlier in the day. The oven wouldn’t work. We had takeout. I ordered some cabinet knobs online that made me happy until the happiness was drowned by the knowledge that I’d never get the house together and didn’t deserve nice things anyway.

Today I took my first walk around the neighborhood (it started as a run, but quickly degraded). I tried to focus on foliage and houses but mostly thought about all the things in life I can’t keep up with. I showered and shaved my legs and armpits with a razor too dull to cut butter.

I am sad because I am invisible.

I am convinced that life is a constant series of disappointments.

I am sad because I feel like the friends I had have forgotten me.

I am sad because I am scared of everything.

I am sad because the entryway smells like pee.

I am sad because I cannot seem to get past sad.

I am sad because everything is an obstacle, and I cannot see it any other way.

I am sad because I once thought I would run with the poets. Now, I run with the bottle of all-purpose cleaner and still manage to live in a dump of my own creation.

I cannot call myself a writer, because writers write, and I do not. I clean and stew.

I am bitter because people with full-time jobs manage to keep shiny, clean-scrubbed houses, and I clean obsessively with nothing to show for it.

I feel guilty because I have no 9-5 job to go to, yet still can’t find time to do anything and completely throw away the opportunity I’m given.

I am angry that there is not enough time for anything, let alone slowing down and enjoying it.

I am convinced that others see me as nothing more than a housewife sponging off of Eric, and fear that this is true.

I walk with the constant pain of so much wasted potential, and the conviction that life and time have passed me by.

I am crushed by the knowledge that nothing ever changes.

I am drowning in the past, and see nothing of pleasure or success in the future.

I am isolated, with no one reaching in and no me reaching out, falling in on myself. I know that I need to spend more time out in the world, but every fiber fears and resists.

I am angry that I try so hard and have been doing it all wrong, all along. I have learned nothing.

I want but fear children, both for the demands they will impose on my already beyond-control life and the things I will impose on them.

I am sad that I cannot get in a car and drive without being paralyzed by the conviction of an intrinsic lack of skill and fear of hurting someone else or myself.

I am sad because my way always seems to be the wrong way.

I am angry for staying quiet while others put me down, then turning around and giving myself the same treatment.

I did not like Sylvia Plath's journals, particularly her description of the pleasures of picking her nose, but one thing stayed with me -- her description of how she couldn't find the strength or motivation to wash her hair, paralyzed by the prospect of having to do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, wondering what's the point of ever doing it at all.

Maybe that is the question?  Millions of Americans taking medications everyday!  From antibiotics, allergy meds, antidepressants, antipsychotic dugs, OTC drugs.....you name it. 

Ironically enough, I was against medication for years.  Except my multi-vitamin.  Then I started having panic attacks.  So my doctor gave me a script for Xanax.  I only took them when I had a panic attack.  That was over 10 years ago.  I haven't taken an antibiotic in over 6 years.  The last time I did, I was VERY Ill.  So I ask myself, how is it now I take all this medication everyday when I even refuse a simple antibiotic??? 

First, I think SSRI's and all antidepressants are overprescribed.  I think people are getting lazy and just don't want to deal with life.  When I got to that point, I went to a therapist for "spiritual guidance."  After 6 months of therapy, he formally diagnosed me with ADHD and OCD.  No big news flash as I was diagnosed as a little girl with ADD.  He sent me on to the Psychiatrist.  The man with the ink pen and pad.  My first script, Ritalin.  Ironically enough, I could not stay awake on Ritalin.  I slept non stop.  I daydreamed of naps.  One month later, he switched me to Adderall.  Watch out, I am getting shit done and you better step aside.    For once i my life, I felt accomplished.  I had completed more tasks in one week on this medication than I had in 28 years.  So why I am complaining?  Well, theres more.  There is always more to every story.  With the Adderall, I had a terrible time with what they refer to as a "rebound."  Coming off the Adderall.  I was irritable, panicky and couldn't sleep.  So he added on a sleeping pill.  Which did not work, so he switched the sleeping pill over and over.  Then added another benzo and sleeping pill.  Which worked...for a while.  I went from being a mess, to being so productive and accomplished to a somewhat different person who could get things done, but rarely slept or even socialized anymore.  I was a social butterfly.  But I couldn't exactly have a few drinks then go home and take my sleeping meds.

So there is the beginning........I have no clue where this will lead.  But my mind is in overdrive and this is my place to unload my thoughts and my issues.  And let me tell ya......... I've got issues.

... I'd do anything that you wanted me to do....

So I went and saw the doctor who is filling in for my regular pediatric gastroentinologist. He was nice. They're giving me some old low dose of an antidepressant. But because it's a different branch of antidepressants I have to have an EKG done. A heart defect is the last thing I need. It was upsetting that they wouldn't give me anything to get rid of my pain right away.

On the drive home my dad and I talked, apparently my mom never wanted to tell me I was adopted. And I think she regretted it because I had such a negative reaction to it, and for YEARS. I told my dad exactly how it happened:

"We were driving to the lake house and I asked "Mom, did I kick when I was in your tummy" and her response was "No, you were never in my tummy". "

My dad was shocked about how I was told. They had never talked about it. I feel so guilty. I told my dad the things she used to say to me. "No guys will like you if you're fat" "No one in high school will like you if you're fat" "Don't eat that, don't you want friends?" and that shocked my dad. But he admitted that mom wasn't perfect.

But I feel so, so bad inside that I hurt her for years. I only remember not wanting her to go to the movies with my dad and I. I have all these things I want to talk to her about, more than any other time in my life, now is when I need her. I wish I could just tell her I'm sorry, and I didn't mean it.

I've never looked forward to therapy as much as I have today.

     We had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday, at home, with just the 4 of us. I don't think the phone even rang, which was nice. Dale usually gets several calls on weekends from work, so why should a holiday be any different? For dinner I made a turkey, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn, green beans, rolls, rice, and gravy. Dessert was homemade pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and ice cream. I was going to make a Jello brand cheese cake, but apparently that ended up in the bottom of a box during the move. It's not in my cabinet. So Caitlin and I had ice cream with whipped cream for dessert as we don't eat pumpkin pie. All day today, I have craved some kind of dessert, and there hasn't been anything in our house that I wanted. I decided I wanted Pecan pie, but it's been snowing like a mad dog foaming at the mouth since yesterday. Not the easiest thing to just hope in the car and go buy one. I told my husband if went out for beer, which I know he will eventually, that I wanted a frozen pecan pie. Well, he hasn't gone anywhere yet. I started thinking, I love to bake so I always keep certain baking supplies in the house. This includes chocolate chips, Karo syrup, flour, sugar, brown sugar, even melting chocolate. There would be nuts too except that my husband always finds them and eats them. So I was thinking about what it takes to make a pecan pie, and looked up a recipe. I wondered if it might be any good without pecans, cause I just knew there weren't any in the cabinet. Found a recipe, and I have everything I need, except of course the pecans. Ok, I decided to cross my fingers and check the Tupperware containers full of my baking supplies, and what do you know?! I found an unopened bag of chopped pecans! You know this was one excited, craving, pregnant woman! There's even one frozen pie shell left from baking the pumpking pies. What more could a person snowed in ask for? I'm waiting for the dishwasher to finish and then I'm headed to the kitchen to bake that pie! The reason I have to wait for the dishwasher is because it's a portable which means I can't use anything but hot water while it's going. You can't bake and not be able to keep constant wash of your hands. At least I can't.

     I said we are snowed in right? Yeah, not really, but if you don't have to go out this weekend, why bother? We are getting lake effect snow. This has something to do with the great lakes having gotten so warm during the summer, and the sudden cold we are having now. There was no time for the lakes to gradually cool down, and it affects the climate therefore making crazy amounts of snow in some areas. Here, we are right on the edge of the snow belt. Dale has already been out and blown off the driveway and sidewalk, and part of the neighbors driveway. Then it started snowing like crazy again so he came in. We had, I know, a good 8 inches when we woke up this morning, and within 30 minutes this afternoon there was another inch. Since the "blizzard" of this afternoon we have gotten another 2 to 3 inches at least. It's beautiful and peaceful, but it's a good thing we don't have anywhere to be right now. It makes me feel trapped, and I have a feeling that after the baby is born I'll be asking for some antidepressants of some sort. I don't like feeling trapped. I've always been a free spirit and like to be able to pick up and walk out the door at a moments notice.

     Well, I've cleaned the woodstove of all the old ashes and half burnt cinders, so I think it's time for a fire, and some pie baking! And while the pie is baking I think I'll unpack some more boxes.