I'm putting this up here not to get pity and not to turn people against the one i love, but I'm putting it up here to let you all know what's going on in a way that doesn't miscontrue anything. In a way, it gives me a sense of closure and i think it will help me move on from him that much more. I dunno, maybe i'm not clingy, maybe all these feelings are natural. I'm just not sure. Well hopefully i'll have a fuck buddy soon so i can get my mind off of him. Anyway, here is a piece from a conversation Nam and I had earlier today. I hope you guys read through it:
fuzzycookie1: :Nam, I want to ask you two questions
fuzzycookie1 :and i want you to answer simply with yes or no because they are yes or no questions
fuzzycookie1 :is that ok?
InfamyD741 i don't know
fuzzycookie1 :why?
InfamyD741 because it hurts to hear them being asked
fuzzycookie1 :why?
InfamyD741 because it does
fuzzycookie1 :Nam, that answer doesn't fly from my parents, it won't fly from you
fuzzycookie1 :please, don't be scared
InfamyD741 with a response like that
fuzzycookie1 :damn it
InfamyD741 it's hard not to be a little scared
InfamyD741 but i'll listen
fuzzycookie1 :this is why i hate im, cuz you can't hear the tone of my voice
InfamyD741 what would you like to ask me?
fuzzycookie1 :i'm not mad nam, i'm just calm
fuzzycookie1 :will you answer them?
InfamyD741 if you ask them
fuzzycookie1 :k
InfamyD741 i will answer them
fuzzycookie1 :do you think i truly loved daniel?
InfamyD741 but i will answer them when i will, not by goading or anything
fuzzycookie1 :k, i just want yes or no
InfamyD741 no
fuzzycookie1 :k
fuzzycookie1 :do you still love me?
InfamyD741 as a friend
InfamyD741 so yes
fuzzycookie1 :But you don't love me as in you'd date me anymore
fuzzycookie1 :that's what i meant
InfamyD741 anymore's a damn long time, Jennifer
fuzzycookie1 :ok then, not anymore, right now
InfamyD741 no
fuzzycookie1 :you don't love me in the "girlfriend" sense
fuzzycookie1 :k
fuzzycookie1 :why was that so hard to tell me?
InfamyD741 because i was scared how you'd take it
fuzzycookie1 :after how long it took you to answer all the times i asked, i expected it
fuzzycookie1 :and when i look at myself, i'm not surprised
fuzzycookie1 :i wouldn't love me either
fuzzycookie1 :in fact, i don't
InfamyD741 you see?
fuzzycookie1 :what?
InfamyD741 that's what i was afraid of
fuzzycookie1 :but Nam, it's true
fuzzycookie1 :you know it's true, i know it's true
fuzzycookie1 :it's ok
InfamyD741 i was afraid of you beginning to deconstruct yourself and begin doubting yourself
InfamyD741 i didn't want that
fuzzycookie1 :ok then, tell me why you don't love me like that anymore
InfamyD741 that's not a yes/no question
fuzzycookie1 :no it's not
fuzzycookie1 :but if you want me to stop saying i understand because i don't love me either, you need to give me a reason to believe it
fuzzycookie1 :that's why i asked you that
fuzzycookie1 :do you still consider me as your best friend?
InfamyD741 when we're talking and having fun
InfamyD741 when we're laughing and being ourselves
fuzzycookie1 :but not all the time?
InfamyD741 when we make jokes no one else gets
InfamyD741 i don't feel it when i begin to close myself around me because i don't know what to do
fuzzycookie1 :what do you mean?
InfamyD741 i don't feel it when i am put in this situation where i have to give reasons, have to give explanations, have to explain and support and define my terms or else
InfamyD741 in the end, being damned if i do, damned if i don't
fuzzycookie1 :you don't Nam
fuzzycookie1 :there is no "or else" in this situation
fuzzycookie1 :i'm not gonna kill myself or anything
InfamyD741 but what if i don't explain?
fuzzycookie1 :you don't need to
InfamyD741 are you just gonna let me off the hook?
fuzzycookie1 :i can think of a bunch of reasons why not to love me
InfamyD741 no
fuzzycookie1 :so you don't have to explain
InfamyD741 i mean when i don't explain
InfamyD741 i remember the last time i didn't want to explain, the last time i didn't want to answer
fuzzycookie1 :because to me whether or not you still love me is a simple question
fuzzycookie1 :and you never want to answer
InfamyD741 but it's not simple
fuzzycookie1 :and so because you never answer, i keep asking
fuzzycookie1 :if you'd just answer, i wouldn't keep asking
fuzzycookie1 :i tend to over simplify everything
fuzzycookie1 :don't worry, it's not you, it's me
fuzzycookie1 :I'm gonna go take a shower
fuzzycookie1 :i'll be back later, k?
fuzzycookie1 :don't worry, i'm fine
InfamyD741 i'm going to do some homework for a while
fuzzycookie1 it's raining. you know i like rain :-)
fuzzycookie1 :k
InfamyD741 i know
InfamyD741 we have guests for dinner, so i might not be on for a long time
fuzzycookie1 :who?
InfamyD741 neighbors
fuzzycookie1 :k
fuzzycookie1 :yeah, i might be going to the beach for a project at 5:00 today depending on the weather
InfamyD741 ok
fuzzycookie1 :but i'll be back on when i'm done with my shower
fuzzycookie1 :ok?
InfamyD741 ok
fuzzycookie1 :thank you
fuzzycookie1 :and relax
InfamyD741 k
fuzzycookie1 :have fun
fuzzycookie1 :i'll talk to you soon
InfamyD741 k
InfamyD741 talk to you soon
fuzzycookie1 :soon Nam
InfamyD741 soon Jennifer:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I did cry a little, but not too much. Hopefully I can get therapy and fix myself, but I doubt it will ever happen. I'm too fucked up to ever save, and I doubt i'll finde one like him. To add to it, here's an entry i wrote a year ago.
October 2, 2004 12:34 PM #
I Feel so Empty and Alone....
I'm here at home by myself cuz my parents went to an A's game and my brother went to the mall with his girlfriend. Now this would be a great opportunity to get some work done, take an SAT practice test, ect., especially because im not going to be home tomorrow at all. However, I can't help but still have this feeling of despair filled sorrow, because in the past at times like this, or even other weekends when my family was here, he would sometimes randomly drive to my house with out calling first to surprise me. He was lucky in that he never came here when I wasn't home, but then again I would tell him what my schedule was like all the time and if I was ever going to go any where, not just for him incase he decided to surprise me, but just because we share everything with each other. Here I am now, though, alone, and part of me keeps telling myself "He'll be here any minute, he'll be here any minute!" But obviously he won't be. He's in La Jolla, at a meeting for his submarine group, taking swordsmanship lessons, or just hanging out and trying to make friends. I'm so happy for him, it seems like everything is going perfectly for him over there, yet over here it seems as if he's the only thing in my life that isn't going wrong. *sigh* I just need to get good test scores cuz I already have the GPA to get into the schools I want to, but I'm still not smart enough. By the way....
Nam, is it true that u scored a perfect 1600 on the SAT? Yesterday we were talking about you in Art class again and some one called you stupid or said you were poor. Then Jon Stone comes out of no where and starts talking about how you're gonna be a rich motherfucka cuz ur so fucking smart. Then he was like "Didn't he score a perfect 1600 on the SAT?" and u wont tell me, so I don't know, and then after Chris Scanlan made fun of me for the fact that your own girlfriend doesn't know what you scored on the SAT, Stone then said "Well maybe it wasn't perfect, but didn't he score the highest on it out of anybody else in the school?" I knew u scored the highest out of anybody ever at our school on the AP English test, but now I'm curious about what you did actually score on the SAT. It will give me one more thing to cry about, that I'll never be as smart as you, while I'm alone like this and missing you.
With this said, I'm going to give a quick call to my love to see how he is doing, and then get started on this practice test business...lol, he just signed online. well then I'll talk to him for a bit and then get started. I've only taken the SAT once and I didn't study for it. My score was 1060, 490 on the Math and 570 on the Verbal. That is pretty low, but considering the fact I didn't study, that's pretty fucking good, I think. I dunno, maybe I'm just dumber than I think. Oh well, I just need to work hard.
And here's an e-mail he sent to me a year ago yesterday. There's not much too it, but still, it hurts me to see it:
Hey,
I'm gonna go to a UCSD concert featuring Jimmy Eat World. I don't know if he's good, but the concert is free and their might be free food. It starts at 6 and I don't know when it might be over. I think I might go home before it ends or something. Other than that, instead of signing up for kendo (which was full) I signed up for a class that teaches me samurai skills with using a sword in one stroke, extracting from the scabbard, slicing, and then re-inserting into the scabbard. These classes start in the morning, which is nice (gives me more of a day to do stuff.) Also, in the morning the submarine crew is having a little rundown of the sub and so I'll be able to check out the systems and stuff. Other than that, not much is happening. Just gonna go to spanish and take pictures of the hermit crabs if they're still there. I hope you're having a good time. I hope that chair project worked, and I hope you've been having a good day.
Oh, and I've also looked around at other colleges for Naval Architecture. There's a lot of places but I think I might go into graduate programs to further that career. I like it here, it's really nice. I hope you've continued to work hard in school and on the SAT. Take care.
I love you
-Nam
P.S. If you're wondering how I'm feeling, I'm ok...more good than ok, but ok. We don't want to tempt the universe into thinking it's time we had something else happen to us. Anyways, I'm gonna head on out. I love you. Take care.
He also sent me an e-mail with this picture in it. It's from a "Happy True Friends" episode. I thought it was cute:
He loved me so much and I just fucked it up, and nothing i can do makes him happy. Even me telling the truth, which is that this is my fault makes him upset! If i can't even tell the fucking truth, what am I supposed to do? Well if any of you actually read this, i'd appreciate if you'd reply, but I doubt it because it's so long and has so much emotion in it. And Nam, if you read this, don't leave a reply on here. Please call me if you have a comment.
answer please
