Anorexia @ MindSay



 

   
Introduction
WARNING
IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 AND/OR EASILY INFLUENCED GET OUT OF HERE
I CURSE and I live a negative lifestyle and I am so NOT responsible for any dumb ideas you get from reading this. 

Any how...

 I have many well let's just say a few minor complications from years of disordered eating.  I'm sort of half into and half out of recovery at this point.  I really don't have anyone to talk to about all this and sure I could go to therapy but I don't really like to be forced into anything.  I don't expect sympathy and if this blog gets zero comments forever I don't really care.  I'm just here to sort of rant and figure things out on paper... or screen I suppose.  If this offends anyone stay away.  If details trigger you... stay away.  If you want to tell me to just stop or call me stupid then stay away.  OK?

 Here I go.

I'm tired all the time.  I know it's my own fault and so when it brings other people down I feel like such a horrible person.  I'm sorry I can't stay up and drink with you.  The alcohol has too many calories and I'm tired OK?  I can feel my shoulder blades and the tense muscles between them.  It doesn't hurt but it feels awkward.  I've got to run today. 

Eating disorders are ugly.  My hands are scarred, my teeth are ruined.  I am afraid of my dinner tomorrow.  I currently look pretty healthy but the other night I got incredibly dizzy and I couldn't stop shaking.   I'm maintaining just enough visible normality that no one harasses me about my habits.  You see me eat.  You don't see me vomit till my throat bleeds, or throw the food away after a couple bites.  God my roommate must think I eat several tons of food a day!  I make a point to have people see me eat... so if I'm with someone all day the get to see me put on the meal show for EVERYONE I come into contact with.  It's a waste though.  I really don't have enough money to throw things out. 

My normal weight is killing me.  I can feel the bones in my shoulders and my ribcage as I move.  They want to be seen. 

 
 
   
 

Anorexia promoted, yet again.
I was on Myspace the other day when I noticed an ad at the top of the page. Unsurprisingly, it was promoting weight loss and diet. I'd noticed in recent months that Myspace in particular has begun having more and more of these ads. Some even directed at a specific age group ("19 and overweight?"). I realize that being healthy--note: healthy, not thin--is important, but I'm sure there is a way to promote such things in a way that is actually healthy for the self esteem of girls and young woman--age groups of which the Myspace population is largely comprised of:

Photobucket

This photo has obviously been airbrushed (as so many pro-weight-loss images are), but this is extreme. "I lost 36 pounds in 3 weeks!". If those were the size of her jeans three weeks ago and she needed to lose 36 pounds, what is that telling woman? Those jeans are normal. Not average, mind you (the average size for woman in the US being a 14), but not abnormal. So, basically we're told Even if you're on the small side of the size range, you're not small enough. Loose another 36 pounds and loose it fast....say, 3 weeks. You'll look as wide as a skinny thigh and oh so sexy. . Not only is that not something I want to be subjecting myself to, but if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her being subjected to it, either.

Maybe Myspace should consider selling out their ad space to more reasonable sites. At least "19 and overweight?" is plausible...

If this is a topic that interests you, you might be interested in this article I came across:
http://www.nothinspiration.com/ana-mia/2007/01/the-stunning-size-12-model-branded-too-fat-for-tv-competition/
 
 
 

   
you come on just like special k...

so fucking lonely

this is what anorexia does to you. you have friends, a life, have laughs then suddenly it all gets taken away from you. your confined to sit alone, drinking diet coke and having a smoke- everyone is scared of you. noone understands. 3 years down the line and im 'better' now but im left with a hollow feeling of meaninglessness. i dont have a purpose anymore, im not the girl people stared at, im not recognised, im not famous for anything anymore. im the one everyone forgot about as they moved on with their lives. im trying to pick up the broken pieces.....

 
 
   
 

you come on just like special k...

so fucking lonely

this is what anorexia does to you. you have friends, a life, have laughs then suddenly it all gets taken away from you. your confined to sit alone, drinking diet coke and having a smoke- everyone is scared of you. noone understands. 3 years down the line and im 'better' now but im left with a hollow feeling of meaninglessness. i dont have a purpose anymore, im not the girl people stared at, im not recognised, im not famous for anything anymore. im the one everyone forgot about as they moved on with their lives. im trying to pick up the broken pieces.....

 
 
 

   
you come on just like special k...

so fucking lonely

this is what anorexia does to you. you have friends, a life, have laughs then suddenly it all gets taken away from you. your confined to sit alone, drinking diet coke and having a smoke- everyone is scared of you. noone understands. 3 years down the line and im 'better' now but im left with a hollow feeling of meaninglessness. i dont have a purpose anymore, im not the girl people stared at, im not recognised, im not famous for anything anymore. im the one everyone forgot about as they moved on with their lives. im trying to pick up the broken pieces.....

 
 
   
 

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