Anguish @ MindSay

                Nothing big to report kid-wise today.  D had a little issue in the caf again but NOTHING compared to the last 2 Fridays, and they BOTH apparently were rude to Jerry, but really, nothing big.  Even A had his tantrums, and I had to take 4 minutes from second recess for first coloring on the table (3 mins) and then for not following my direction to stop because E was trying to do his work (1 min), but overall, the kids all had good days.  Yayy!!!!

                Today’s big issue was the fact that I upset Parker.  And I certainly didn’t mean to; and I certainly felt like crying the whole rest of the day (and still kinda do).  It was at the start of recess, and John Maloney and I were talking about how much influence Parker has over the kids; and Parker was there.  And Parker and I tease each other constantly, so again I said something about ‘not doing things Ms. J (the gym teacher) tells us not to do, not throwing balls at the wall w/ E, not engaging kids in conversation until after they have their folder out/lunch choice made/bag away aka, morning routine started and done. 

I really WASN’T criticizing him; these are things I am working on all the time.  I know he doesn’t think that way, and that a lot of it is not having as much experience in a classroom/training, but apparently he took it at great offense and he actually walked out.  And I went out into the hallway after him, and we talked for half a second, but it was clear he wanted to keep going, and not have company with it, so he kept going and I went back in to talk with John, feeling like a complete ass.  John said, “You didn’t say anything that sounded that bad” and I DON’T think I really did either, and I was saying it in a teasing manner, but … awkward afternoon.  He was professional and we talked a bit and there were some smiles…but it still felt off.  I don’t know if it was just me being ‘Overly-Sensitive-Emily’ and perceiving that he was mad at me because I feel that way a lot and that’s one of my big life worries, but… it didn’t feel the same.  It didn’t feel like how we usually interact.  Claudia said he’s really easy going and that it’ll be fine tomorrow, but I was telling her about what had transpired and I teared up a bit.  I would definitely undo it if I could.

It was Thursday, April 30th at 11:20 PM.  As I sat at my desk listening to my police scanner in the background a call comes through that I had heard before but never quite thought about the same way.  A local man, just seconds before dispatch had put the call out, had placed a gun to his head and blew his brains out.  From every direction, police headed towards the scene.  The call was coded as "Critical".  The final call into dispatch (of any real substance) was to code the call out as a "66" for Suicide.  "But", the officer remarked, "It could be a 64 (homicide), we're not ruling anything out".  It turned out to be a suicide, had all of the earmarks of a suicide like no foul play, suidical ideation, and all of the various signs of a death being ruled a suicide, rather than a homicide.

 

Over the last few days, I have really been thinking about that guy - what was going through his mind at that very moment, what pushed him to the edge and then over?  Being the last day of the month, did he not have rent to cover the next month?  Had he lost his job? Did he not have food?  Why was his situation now "critical" when it should have been "critical" long before he made that decision?  What was his last thought?  How did he decide what his last thought would be?  *sigh*

 

The next morning, Deborah Jeane Palfrey took her life in the shed on her mother's property.  The DC Madam was facing prison time, but relatively speaking, not that much.  Most professionals speculate that it would have been less than 10 years and that at 52 years old, she would still have quite a few years to enjoy her life.  She wasn't to be sentenced until July.  At the very least, she had a few more months of freedom.  While reports state that she always said she would kill herself before going back to prison, what made her give up those last few months?  Why would she allow her mother to find her? 

 

Finality is just so difficult to deal with and it's always unfair to those of us who watch from afar.  What we wouldn't give to just tell Ms. Palfrey to enjoy those last few months.  What we wouldn't give to keep that guy from pulling the trigger.    The truth of the matter is - suicide is often the victims way of saying, "Everything else in my life has gone to shit, but I'll be good and god damned if I'm not going to be in control of this decision".  The unnamed male victim and Ms. Palfrey made the choice that they were going to write the terms to their death - that this wasn't one that fate was going to get over on them.

 

I've heard quite a few homicide, shootings, tragic accidents (including decapitation), violent carjackings, and far worse on the scanner in the past year - but nothing jarred me quite like this suicide.  In all of the aforementioned situations, the victim probably had no choice in the matter.  In the latter, the victim had all of the choice yet chose to give themselves "no other choice" at all. 

 

I am not one to judge.  I too have fought suicidal thoughts and I know how dark it can be inside one's head when they feel like nobody and nothing can help them.  I just wish that suicide victims would choose not to make the "only choice that they feel they can make"

 

 

I don't know the title of this image but I think it's from
Selected Works: Sandman, Violent Cases, Cages by Neil Gaiman
All images are by Dave McKean

Balance? On the edge? Push?  Over the edge? Where is the limit?



Another one by Dave McKean
This is from the CD Black Vanity for the Band Cemetery
(no I have not listened to the CD, I just like the art.)

Black Vanity is a fitting title
Despair? Self Worth?  Emptiness? Pain? Anguish? Desire?

Well this is just going to be for me.. I don't know whether it will be long or short, but with all the heinous acts that have been happening, things I've been doing to myself, is there such a thing as salvation? Redemption? Mercy? I don't know. I use to think so, but all this pain, all this hurt it tears at me and I cannot seem to unharness all this suffering. It's a battle in my head, in my heart. Do I want to close this chapter so I can move forth into the next? I don't know. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET GO. I drive down the roads watching what little light remains from a sunset in the sky be engulfed by the shadows of the night, the dark, the mysteries of my heart sink into it, and now I become one with the night, one with the dark, am I too lost to be saved? Where is this Salvation that I long for? How do you let go of someone, something, so close? How do you start over? Why do you forget me? Look past me? Judge me? Consider me worthless, not worth the effort, what kind of cruelty is that? Especially after all that I have done for you? I don't understand it. I don't know how people can be so hurtful and cruel. And hence the fact that they are, then why do I still allow them to hurt me so? How can you still hurt me? "Here I stand empty hands, wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from the beatings" Why do these thoughts rush into my mind yet again? I am not perfect, I never claimed to be, I'm not good enough.."I'm never gonna be good enough for you I can't pretend that I'm alright, and you can't change me, because we lost it all nothing last forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect Now it's just too late and We can't go back I'm sorry I can't be perfect" How do you deal with that? I mean seriously I shouldn't think these thoughts, I was the best part in everything, not conceited but true. I did everything you wanted. All these heinous thoughts, I can't remember why or how everything fogs into a blur.. I can't stand this pain and I can't make it go away. " How could this happen to me I made my mistakes, I've got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away, I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream" So many songs I relate to, I carry all this in me, noone hears me screaming on the inside, noone knows what its like to be like me. I carry on every day as just another day, nothing bad always cheerful. No one can see inside myself and know. I was doing so good for soo long, and then you came along and told me I wasnt worth the effort that you hate me!!! How the heck can you do that? What did I do to deserve such a harsh reality check. Dont worry your time is coming. All my friends thing Im happy, but will I be ok? I hope so.. To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kicked when your down, to feel like youve been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down, and noones there to save you. Welcome to my life. All these thoughts blur into my head, and I shed a few tears at night when I can think of nothing, when nothing makes sense, When I am hurt so much, that I sink into oblivion and no longer have a sense of time or reality, then I can cry over you, then I can cry for myself, and get whatever relief from that. I am thrown into a maze of nightmares, crawling, screaming, bleeding, lost, I have no idea where to turn, the memories haunt me there, so is that why I havent slept in almost 2 months? A real good sleep? A sleep where I am able to be rejuvenated at the end? What is happening to me? I had fixed me. I was getting better with my relationship with God. I called out for help. I sought his Redemption and now, my prayers are going unheard, like the song unanswered prayers, there is a plan I know that, but what is it? I wake up into the reality that you are no longer here, and its like Im living in a nightmare all over again. It never ends. I can take it into my own hands, but then why should I? Youre not worth going to Hell too. Im not even sure youre worth all this anymore, but I CANT LET GO. So be it. What is this letter for, is this making sense to anyone? Does anyone have these scars on their hearts? Does anyone know what its like? Does anyone understand me? Can anyone relate? The past is real, I know, and I can move on from that, to live in the present now, but even the present hurts. Im dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming I turn to all these, quite literally too, so again I ask where is my Salvation????? Can I be forgiven for everything I have done? Am I too lost to be saved? Am I just sinking faster into this oblivion? No help! No worries! I watch it all end only to begin again. I have fallen. I have descended to the ground. A fallen angel!Chels0401 

I lay in the impression your body once made in

our bed and wonder how long the pillow

will remain warm.

 

Silence only makes me hear you more, the

dark weight of the hours dragging behind me

as I pray to an altar built on the edge of my

despair.

 

Like a mad woman staring into her secrets, I

reach for you through the shadows wondering

how long I will remain a hope junkie.

 

The slam of the door doesn’t abate my hunger

for you, the veil on your lips now silent

follows my weariness, an infinite ache of alone.

 

Living becomes a stranger as I cling to remembering

what day it used to be. Your body a river, my addiction

that still yearns for a drink.

 

A desperate plea that falls on deaf ears makes it

clear to see when you left you administered the lash,

and I ended up eating the bitter bread of banishment.

 

paulygrl ©