Alzheimer's @ MindSay 
Goodbye, My Dear Friend
The Last Visit
I miss my friend! I've been missing her for several years. And now, I find that she is no more. For two decades, we were sisters ... the kind of siblings one might choose if family composition allowed for that.
The last time I saw her, not too many weeks past, the light of recognition and mirth danced across her face as I entered her room. She spoke my name and sighed her relief that a trusted friend had come to assuage her fears, to envelop her with the security she had sorely missed for quite some time. I was honored to serve this purpose, and only wish I could have done more to allay the terrifying darkness. I held her frail hand for the longest time. I brushed her hair with slow and wisping strokes. Tears welled to burgeoning pools I could barely contain.
My joy was to share time and space with her, a happening that would prove to be my one last time. Our time together was calming for her and heartrending for me. I brought forth my most assured and facile persona, trying my best to hide my disconsolateness. I managed to hold tight that emotional purse-string in order to savor every moment we were given, and now so very glad that those precious moments were spent in joy and peace.
After several hours, she was tiring. I straightened her bedding, snuggling her in...just the way she liked it. I dimmed her lighting to a warm nightlight glow. Not wanting to leave her awake and at the mercy of recurring fears, I adjusted my chair by her bed in order that I might lay my head beside her and cup her shoulder with my hand. I whispered, "Goodnight" and then softly told her, "I love you." Her breathing was soft and rhythmic, so I did not know if she heard my words. Then she spoke the last words I would hear from my friend. In a sleepy, soft breath, she said, "I love you, Katherine," and then returned to somnolence.
I did not want our time to end, so I stayed close for another hour while she slept. When she had reached deep sleep, I took my leave. I walked through the quiet, wee-hour hospital corridors, bearing the weight of my pursed emotions as I found the way to my car. In my car and preparing to start my trip home, the floodgates opened and I rested my head on the steering wheel as the sobs came with a vengeance.
It is difficult to understand the antithetical nature of this visit with my friend. It was the most joyful sadness and the most mournful felicity, and thankfully each in its proper place. That she is no longer in terror and torment helps me to let go of my friend. But, I will always miss my friend.
Goodnight, Jan. I love you.
WHEN ALZHEIMER'S KNOCKS
In 2001 Dave went to work building fish screens ... now I know you are going to ask .... what is a fish screen ..... well, it's actually a whole other post ..... but the bottom line is this ..... they are another waste of taxpayer dollars. And not what this post is about.
He met what ended up being a very close friend and a legend in the valley we live in .... John Q. John was a big man ..... 6' - 6'1" ...... 250lbs ...... mostly muscle. He is ten years older than Dave which makes him 71.
Four months ago John and Dave were cutting cedar trees for posts and hauling them up steep banks ..... hiking in steep mountain country ..... John always said he'd live forever. He ate well, exercised and took vitamins ..... and other supplements and maintained an amazing healthy body for his age.
John was always stopping by. Of Dave's buddies .... he was my favorite. Having been born in Sawyers Bar .... when Sawyers was an actual thriving community ...... he was raised in this area and his family members are everywhere around here. Once family knew we were friends with John ..... we were instantly part of the family ..... and treated as such. The stories were many ..... he'd mined and logged in this area all his life ..... made big money doing both. He was a big man in so many ways ..... heart ...... he'd do anything for you.
Even though John never smoked pot .... he did three years in the State Pen for growing some mass amounts of the stuff ..... he had a mine in the side of a mountain that held table after table of bud ..... he'd harvest every 58 days ...... he had killer smoke so I've been told. He made a shit load of money growing and selling. And he did his time. He said he thought they were some pretty plants .... he's right.
About two months ago John's son phoned to let us know they were taking John to the hospital. The next phone call was that they were medi-flighting him to Redding. He was in the hospital for about two weeks. We were told and are still being told (denial) that he had pneumonia. Maybe he did ...... but there is so much more .....
I had not seen John in at least two months .... Dave has gone to visit several times a week and comes home distraught ....... and even crying ....... and he knows what it is ..... we've lived it before with his father. And his aunt. And after he brought John to the house yesterday to walk in the garden ..... I realized he's right ...... Alzheimer's.
If this man weighs 150lbs. I'd be surprised ..... he can't speak except in grunts and mumbles. He shuffles when he walks and is bent over. His trademark hat is not worn. I walked outside to say hello .... Dave had put a colander full of grape and cherry tomatoes in front of him. He liked those. I said a happy hearty hello ...... and no response. Just ate tomatoes. The only time he looked at me was when I grabbed my tray and started to roll a joint. He pointed .... smiled .... and said "marijuana". It was the only coherent word I got all day. When they left I said goodbye and was again ignored ..... and I honestly don't really think he knew me or where he was. I wanted to hug him so badly ..... but was afraid he'd react in a bad way. So I didn't.
I cried when they left ..... my mind wanting to remember John as he was .... not as this frail man ..... I have to give Dave credit ..... and a lot of it ..... for hanging in there ..... watching his father die (and his aunt, and his grandfather, and his great grandfather) with this horrible disease was hard enough .... now to lose your best friend to it .... and knowing your genes more than likely carry it ...... has to be really hard for him. We both woke up around 4 a.m. this morning .... with John on our minds. I held Dave's hand. Told him I was proud of him. He's back there now ..... sitting and visiting with him. John's ex-wife phoned this morning to thank Dave for being there ..... always cheerful ..... long story but they live in the same house.
When Alzheimer's knocks .....
Peace. J.
He met what ended up being a very close friend and a legend in the valley we live in .... John Q. John was a big man ..... 6' - 6'1" ...... 250lbs ...... mostly muscle. He is ten years older than Dave which makes him 71.
Four months ago John and Dave were cutting cedar trees for posts and hauling them up steep banks ..... hiking in steep mountain country ..... John always said he'd live forever. He ate well, exercised and took vitamins ..... and other supplements and maintained an amazing healthy body for his age.
John was always stopping by. Of Dave's buddies .... he was my favorite. Having been born in Sawyers Bar .... when Sawyers was an actual thriving community ...... he was raised in this area and his family members are everywhere around here. Once family knew we were friends with John ..... we were instantly part of the family ..... and treated as such. The stories were many ..... he'd mined and logged in this area all his life ..... made big money doing both. He was a big man in so many ways ..... heart ...... he'd do anything for you.
Even though John never smoked pot .... he did three years in the State Pen for growing some mass amounts of the stuff ..... he had a mine in the side of a mountain that held table after table of bud ..... he'd harvest every 58 days ...... he had killer smoke so I've been told. He made a shit load of money growing and selling. And he did his time. He said he thought they were some pretty plants .... he's right.
About two months ago John's son phoned to let us know they were taking John to the hospital. The next phone call was that they were medi-flighting him to Redding. He was in the hospital for about two weeks. We were told and are still being told (denial) that he had pneumonia. Maybe he did ...... but there is so much more .....
I had not seen John in at least two months .... Dave has gone to visit several times a week and comes home distraught ....... and even crying ....... and he knows what it is ..... we've lived it before with his father. And his aunt. And after he brought John to the house yesterday to walk in the garden ..... I realized he's right ...... Alzheimer's.
If this man weighs 150lbs. I'd be surprised ..... he can't speak except in grunts and mumbles. He shuffles when he walks and is bent over. His trademark hat is not worn. I walked outside to say hello .... Dave had put a colander full of grape and cherry tomatoes in front of him. He liked those. I said a happy hearty hello ...... and no response. Just ate tomatoes. The only time he looked at me was when I grabbed my tray and started to roll a joint. He pointed .... smiled .... and said "marijuana". It was the only coherent word I got all day. When they left I said goodbye and was again ignored ..... and I honestly don't really think he knew me or where he was. I wanted to hug him so badly ..... but was afraid he'd react in a bad way. So I didn't.
I cried when they left ..... my mind wanting to remember John as he was .... not as this frail man ..... I have to give Dave credit ..... and a lot of it ..... for hanging in there ..... watching his father die (and his aunt, and his grandfather, and his great grandfather) with this horrible disease was hard enough .... now to lose your best friend to it .... and knowing your genes more than likely carry it ...... has to be really hard for him. We both woke up around 4 a.m. this morning .... with John on our minds. I held Dave's hand. Told him I was proud of him. He's back there now ..... sitting and visiting with him. John's ex-wife phoned this morning to thank Dave for being there ..... always cheerful ..... long story but they live in the same house.
When Alzheimer's knocks .....
Peace. J.
Rat Dies In Man's Mouth
According to a lawsuit filed on Thursday, a rat crawled into an Alzheimer's patient's mouth and died there before the staff noticed. Um, ew! The nursing home has to be really understaffed if no one comes in to check on a person and notice a vermin in his mouth. That is so disgusting.
Discovery Could Change How Alzheimer’s Is Diagnosed
Scientists appear to have found a fingerprint of Alzheimer’s disease lurking in patients’ spinal fluid, a step toward a long-awaited test for the memory-robbing disease that today can be diagnosed definitively only at autopsy.
Researchers at New York’s Weill Cornell Medical College discovered a pattern of 23 proteins floating in spinal fluid that, in very preliminary testing, seems to identify Alzheimer’s — not perfectly, but with pretty good accuracy.
Far more research is needed before doctors could try spinal-tap tests in people worried they have Alzheimer’s, specialists caution.
But the scientists already are preparing for larger studies to see if this potential “biomarker” of Alzheimer’s, reported Tuesday in the journal Annals of Neurology, holds up.
“We’re looking to an era in which the kinds of uncertainties that many patients and their families face about the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease will no longer be a problem,” predicts Dr. Norman Relkin, a neurologist and the study’s senior researcher.
About 4.5 million Americans have Alzheimer’s, a toll expected to more than triple by 2050 as the population grays. The creeping brain disease gradually robs sufferers of their memories and ability to care for themselves, eventually killing them. There is no known cure; today’s drugs only temporarily alleviate symptoms.
Currently, doctors diagnose Alzheimer’s mainly by symptoms. That makes early diagnosis particularly difficult, and even more advanced disease can be confused with other forms of dementia. Nor is there a good way to track the disease’s progression, important both for decisions about patient care as well as in testing the effectiveness of new drugs.
Major research is under way to try to change that, including a $60 million study now under way to give brain scans to 800 older Americans and try to pin down the earliest brain changes associated with Alzheimer’s.
Researchers at New York’s Weill Cornell Medical College discovered a pattern of 23 proteins floating in spinal fluid that, in very preliminary testing, seems to identify Alzheimer’s — not perfectly, but with pretty good accuracy.
Far more research is needed before doctors could try spinal-tap tests in people worried they have Alzheimer’s, specialists caution.
But the scientists already are preparing for larger studies to see if this potential “biomarker” of Alzheimer’s, reported Tuesday in the journal Annals of Neurology, holds up.
“We’re looking to an era in which the kinds of uncertainties that many patients and their families face about the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease will no longer be a problem,” predicts Dr. Norman Relkin, a neurologist and the study’s senior researcher.
About 4.5 million Americans have Alzheimer’s, a toll expected to more than triple by 2050 as the population grays. The creeping brain disease gradually robs sufferers of their memories and ability to care for themselves, eventually killing them. There is no known cure; today’s drugs only temporarily alleviate symptoms.
Currently, doctors diagnose Alzheimer’s mainly by symptoms. That makes early diagnosis particularly difficult, and even more advanced disease can be confused with other forms of dementia. Nor is there a good way to track the disease’s progression, important both for decisions about patient care as well as in testing the effectiveness of new drugs.
Major research is under way to try to change that, including a $60 million study now under way to give brain scans to 800 older Americans and try to pin down the earliest brain changes associated with Alzheimer’s.
THE FINAL HOLIDAY
“The first day I was without you, I thought would be the hardest. Here I was, missing you, still smelling your cologne, and still sensing your strong presence. I wanted to die, right then and there. I didn’t though. Now I am here to talk to you. Will you even listen to me? I wish I knew for sure. I am still going to tell you some things I never got a chance to say to you before. I hope you hear me.
“The first time I saw you, I was smitten. Yes. I never told you that before, did I? I can tell you must be surprised. Even though you will not speak to me now, I can still tell. I know you thought I hated you at first, because I seemed to be so unreachable. But, please understand. I had been hurt so much before, I was scared of being too easy to catch.
“Here I am, once again, heartbroken. I know it wasn’t your fault that you left me, really. But you did, nonetheless. Why? Did I do something so bad in my life that I have to be punished over and over? I really thought you loved me, I really did! I know I was hard to live with, but please believe me. I loved you with every fiber of my being. I wanted us to grow old together. I wanted us to both see our children grow into adults together, not apart like this! This seems so final, so irreversible. Is it? Can the last few years be turned back, even for just a moment? I wish it could, then I could pour out my heart to you and you would understand, instead of sitting there, not listening to me at all.
“We have two grandchildren now, in case you want to know. I would show you the pictures, but I don’t believe you even care now. Why? Why did you leave me this way?
“We went through so many rough times together and survived them, why did this one thing have to come between us? Why couldn’t this be the year we celebrate our Christmas Eve anniversary together, drinking eggnog by the fire, while the children sleep, and privately exchanging our special anniversary gifts to one another?
“Now, you will not even acknowledge I am here to see you. Once a few months ago, when I pleaded for you to talk to me, I thought I saw a spark of the old you in your eyes, but then, it faded.
“Am I destined to keep trying fruitlessly to win you back over from the dark lover who has stolen you? I remember when you first fought the urge to give in; she was slow, seductive, and overpowering. She finally won you over, didn’t she, My Love? Now, your heart is buried there somewhere in her dark embrace. Will you ever be able to get free of her, My Darling?”
As I sat there with you, talking to you, wishing you, once again, Happy Holidays, a miracle happened! You spoke to me in the very special way you had before on our anniversary!
I will never forget the words you spoke right then. “Happy Holidays, my Darling! The best gift God ever gave me for Christmas was you!”
Then, you told me you loved me in your special way. Not long after that, she took you again. This time, it was for good. She never let you go afterwards. I never got to hear those words again.
Now, I lie here, resting my head on the place where I would have been cradled on your chest, drinking eggnog, and singing our favorite Christmas carol.
“I lift my cup to you, Joe. “Did I ever tell you that you were the best gift I ever got from God?
“I know I did once a long time ago. I feel like it was in another life, another time and place.
“I wanted to tell you, I’ve met someone since you’ve been gone. He is not like you much, but for those qualities you once held. He is tenderhearted, kind and gentle like you used to be. I think maybe he and I will have a life together.
“Joe? He has asked me to marry him. I am in love with him, but I will always love you, too. Even in spite of everything we went through; your bouts of intense anger, the anger I felt at times, wishing I could bring you back to me.
“We both know that was to never happen.
"Joe, I met him at a support group for families of Alzheimer’s patients. His wife also died of the dark lover.
I feel a strong sense of approval from you.
I place the special wreath we bought for our first Christmas upon your grave and say for the final time, “Happy Holidays, my Darling.” And I walk away.
Aurora Collins © 2002
“The first time I saw you, I was smitten. Yes. I never told you that before, did I? I can tell you must be surprised. Even though you will not speak to me now, I can still tell. I know you thought I hated you at first, because I seemed to be so unreachable. But, please understand. I had been hurt so much before, I was scared of being too easy to catch.
“Here I am, once again, heartbroken. I know it wasn’t your fault that you left me, really. But you did, nonetheless. Why? Did I do something so bad in my life that I have to be punished over and over? I really thought you loved me, I really did! I know I was hard to live with, but please believe me. I loved you with every fiber of my being. I wanted us to grow old together. I wanted us to both see our children grow into adults together, not apart like this! This seems so final, so irreversible. Is it? Can the last few years be turned back, even for just a moment? I wish it could, then I could pour out my heart to you and you would understand, instead of sitting there, not listening to me at all.
“We have two grandchildren now, in case you want to know. I would show you the pictures, but I don’t believe you even care now. Why? Why did you leave me this way?
“We went through so many rough times together and survived them, why did this one thing have to come between us? Why couldn’t this be the year we celebrate our Christmas Eve anniversary together, drinking eggnog by the fire, while the children sleep, and privately exchanging our special anniversary gifts to one another?
“Now, you will not even acknowledge I am here to see you. Once a few months ago, when I pleaded for you to talk to me, I thought I saw a spark of the old you in your eyes, but then, it faded.
“Am I destined to keep trying fruitlessly to win you back over from the dark lover who has stolen you? I remember when you first fought the urge to give in; she was slow, seductive, and overpowering. She finally won you over, didn’t she, My Love? Now, your heart is buried there somewhere in her dark embrace. Will you ever be able to get free of her, My Darling?”
***
As I sat there with you, talking to you, wishing you, once again, Happy Holidays, a miracle happened! You spoke to me in the very special way you had before on our anniversary!
I will never forget the words you spoke right then. “Happy Holidays, my Darling! The best gift God ever gave me for Christmas was you!”
Then, you told me you loved me in your special way. Not long after that, she took you again. This time, it was for good. She never let you go afterwards. I never got to hear those words again.
***
Now, I lie here, resting my head on the place where I would have been cradled on your chest, drinking eggnog, and singing our favorite Christmas carol.
“I lift my cup to you, Joe. “Did I ever tell you that you were the best gift I ever got from God?
“I know I did once a long time ago. I feel like it was in another life, another time and place.
“I wanted to tell you, I’ve met someone since you’ve been gone. He is not like you much, but for those qualities you once held. He is tenderhearted, kind and gentle like you used to be. I think maybe he and I will have a life together.
“Joe? He has asked me to marry him. I am in love with him, but I will always love you, too. Even in spite of everything we went through; your bouts of intense anger, the anger I felt at times, wishing I could bring you back to me.
“We both know that was to never happen.
"Joe, I met him at a support group for families of Alzheimer’s patients. His wife also died of the dark lover.
I feel a strong sense of approval from you.
I place the special wreath we bought for our first Christmas upon your grave and say for the final time, “Happy Holidays, my Darling.” And I walk away.
Aurora Collins © 2002
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