Alone @ MindSay

Maybe I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer other people. Nothing to bring to the world. I just wish something, someone, somewhere would contact me. Without me asking, without me making the first reach. What is so wrong with me that makes no one want me around? I ask them but they say there isn't anything. There has to be. They just don't want to hurt me. Well you know it hurts more when you lie. I'm sick of people. I'm tired of myself. I mess things up and I can't do anything right.

No one cares that I'm alone. No one calls me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm happy being myself, not conforming just to make friends. But I just wish someone would appreciate it. I want someone to appreciate me. Someone to want me around. Someone to call me just to talk. Without me asking. Without me begging. without me saying a thing. I've asked enough. I've pretty much begged my "friends" to call me sometimes. They don't. They don't want to. If they wanted to, if they cared enough, they would. But they don't.

I feel unimportant. Useless. Incompetent. Unwanted. Un-cared about. Expendable. Like I could just be cut out and no one would notice. All would remain as it was, untouched.

I love him so much. I don't want to let him go. At the same time I do want to, so I can move on. But every time I start to let go, I get scared and I hold on tight again. I have nothing to move on to. I know he's not there for me any more but I don't want to be completely alone. I just want him to be what he was for me before. A good listener, someone who cared, called randomly, always cheered me up and never failed to make me laugh. He's everything I could ask for. Except, he was. I don't want to let go of that. I keep thinking under all of his ignoring me and the phonecalls where he passes me over to his girlfriend... that he somehow still cares. I give up and I try again and over and over again. He made me feel wanted and understood. I need to feel wanted and understood. No one else has made me feel the way he does.I just don't want to believe that he doesn't care anymore.

How can someone just stop caring, with nothing triggering it? Maybe he never did. But he must have, and I still feel he does. I'm prbably just being stupid and should have moved on long ago. I just can't. I don't want to. I need to know for sure that he doesn't care. I don't know if I can ever know that.


I almost wish he could read this and know how I'm feeling and how much he hurts me. To see if he cares the slightest bit.

Finally, I am home. I was going to be home on Thursday night, but my mom hadn’t packed up any of her stuff so we had to spend an extra night at her school. Yesterday I felt like I slept walked through the entire day, so I slept in this morning (which was, of course, excellent).

 

Now, sitting in front of my computer I feel kind of lost. Nothing here at my “home” fits right. I’m use to the structure of my aunt’s family: eating at the same times everyday, doing things as a family, having your own personal space and quiet time, and having someone to snuggle down next to in the evening. Here I am alone, completely self-reliant for structure in my life. I’m just beginning to realize how much I truly dislike this forced solitude.

I need connection. There's been this thing that's been a major reason to why I'm upset. Now I know what it is. I haven't had a real meaningful conversation with anyone in a very long time. I don't relate and can't connect to anyone. I am alone. I knew I felt alone and lonely, but there's more to it than that. I am completely disconnected. 

Rain falls,

wind flies,

and trees sway.

Yet, I sit upon this sand,

and think,

and feel,

love and hate.

Alone.