Albert @ MindSay 
You have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer. People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it. :)
When you look at this picture close up, you see Albert Einstein, but if you stand about fifteen feet away, the picture will become Marilyn Monroe.
some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.
that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."
later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.
but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.
n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...
just to warn u, this entry may get a little too graphic for some readers at some points. don't continue n then complain about how this that or the other blog has explicit sexual content on it. you've been warned right here.
i woke up at about 9:20 today, layed in bed making myself cum for a few minutes, tried to clean puma off some more, (he was really well behaved when i did last night, but i didn't get all of the crap out of his fur), n then i took a shower. i got out at like 10:10 n i've been hanging out nude ever since. (for u east coast ppl, its 12:30 here right now) i don't kno why, but i've always liked being naked. i kno that a lot of ppl who have self esteem issues like i do usually try to stay clothed as much as possible, but i don't. i started getting hungry a little while ago, but i still don't feel like putting clothing on so i haven't eaten yet. besides that, i was working on printing out all of the articles i need for this stupid human sexuality project...blah, with everything that's been going on i'm seriously starting to not care, which is a serious problem because i really need to bring up my major and overall GPA, and seeing as how human sexuality is a class in my major, i really need to do well in it!
anyway, between 11:10 n 11:30 three ppl called me. that never happens. n since it was hard enough for me to get myself working on this, after every call i'd just lay down on my bed n sprawl out a little bit. i don't kno why, but for some reason when i do that when i'm nude, it makes me feel beautiful. i think its because i think about when i used to do that with albert n how he'd make me feel about my body. no one has ever looked at me the way he did, not even nam. i can lay back with my arms out perpendicular to my body, my legs crossed at the ankles, feet against the wall n look up at the ceiling n remember when it was his eyes i was looking up into instead. i can remember the way it felt to lay next to him n feel his skin against mine, i remember what it was like to feel his hands run over my stomach n then over the tops of my hips n then up my back or down my butt to my thighs as we were spooning with him behind me or as i turned to face him or as we stood n held n caressed each other. i remember the way it felt to open my legs for him so he could get between them n how he kissed me n how he touched me as he began to penetrate me, n then of course i remember that smile, the way he'd smile at me and look at me as we were making love.
when you have sex with someone, they look at you differently. i don't even mean afterwards, i mean while you're doing it, and i don't just mean sex in terms of vaginal intercourse. i mean all of it- manual, oral, anal, or even just dry humping. there's certain looks they give u, if they even look at u at all. i'll never forget about three or four days after we started having sex n albert looked at me n smiled, not that horny, in the moment sex-crazed smile that i've seen with every boy i've ever been sexually intimate with, including nam. it was the same smile n the same look he'd give me just when we were hanging out, the same smile n the same look i'd gotten every time i'd made him laugh or given him butterflies for even the months n months n months before cyn had even told me she liked me, all the months n months n months that he had a crush on me, whenever i'd do that something that made him happy n made him fall for me even more. that was the smile i saw n the look in his eyes, and in that moment, i knew that the two of us really were making love n that he really wasn't just using me for sex. even all throughout my relationship with nam i had that thought in the back of my head that one reason why he was still with me was because he was the first girl he'd ever done n e thing with, n he didn't want to stop getting head n anal. i had a similar thought to this with albert when we first started having sex, that i knew it meant something to both of us but he hadn't gotten sex like this in a while so that must have been a reason that he wanted to be with me, that part of him was using me. in that moment, tho, when i looked into his eyes n i saw that smile of love n adoration cross his face, i knew it wasn't true. he cared.
damn, even writing this now, i keep pausing to get lost in these thoughts n memories. i told albert on thursday that our good memories have become bad ones now, which was something i did not want to happen. the things is, sometimes, times like now, the good memories still very much are good memories. i can look along the light n sometimes even pale skin of my body, see the places where its so thin or lacks so much pigment that u can see some of the more superficial veins thro, see the little random freckles n the cellulite n the random scratches from puma or me bumping into things or scratching an itch too hard or too much or something. i can look along my short legs as they go to the wall, watch my toes wiggle on the end of my feet as they touch the wall. albert thought all of it was beautiful. i can look at my nipples n see that one has a bit of dead skin on it while the other looks fine, n yet he would have put them both in his mouth without a second's thought n sucked them n ran his tongue over them n ran his hands down the sides of my body as he did it before stopping to kiss my stomach as he worked his way down to my vulva. he loved it all, every little pimple, every little part that giggled. i remember having sex in the bathroom in the hotel room in san fransisco, having all those mirrors around us so we could watch each other as we made love. i could see parts of my body ripple in a very unattractive manor as he'd thrust into me, but i didn't care because he didn't care. i watched him n he watched me n it was amazing. i remember how the night before when we were in that hotel room, something about the way he looked at me n the way he touched me...he'd told me many times that i was a goddess, but that was the first time i really felt it. when i told him, it kinda hurt that he hadn't experienced what i had, but that was ok.
i wonder if these things ring so clearly to me because i see pieces of it everyday. albert helped me move rooms n then organize my room a little in this apartment, albert made love to me on that bed the last couple times that we did it, i look at that heart in our blood above my bed everyday, i walk to the bus stop thro the parking lot n see that our condom, the one he just dropped out of the window of his car after the one n only time we had sex in there, isn't there. maybe its just because he's still got cyn to think n worry about, too, maybe its because his brain isn't wired to think about n focus on past events as a defense mechanism the way mine is. on thursday he told me that he thought i was further along in moving on than he is because i see him with cyn all the time n he's never seen me with another guy. i disagree with him, but at the very least it definitely makes the situation more real. yesterday before i took the greyhound back here, i was at my grandpa's n i got a text from sean asking if i wanted to get fucked last night n i said yes, if he didn't mind that i'm on my period. his response? "you're always on ur period." hey dip-shit, did u forget about last week how i was trying to get u to come over n fuck me? did u forget about spring break in between when we were both out of town n how the week before that i wanted to get laid but u said u didn't have a ride? ok, the week before that, i was on my period, but that was FOUR WEEKS AGO. that's how often women menstrate. did u take sex ed? what a girl'll do for sex...
i try not to think about how sex with someone else, i don't mean a fuck buddy, i mean like a boyfriend, is never going to be the same as it was with albert, because it hurts a lot. a whole fucking lot. i really felt like i could be myself sexually with albert. i never asked raver jimmy to lick his cum off of me after he'd jizz on my stomach or my tits because i was scared it would weird him out so much that he wouldn't want to see me again. i haven't told a lot of guys that for that same reason. for some reason, tho, i wasn't scared to ask albert that, or at least tell him that it was a big turn on for me. i think that of all the times he did cum on me he only did it once or twice, but i still wasn't worried he'd be repulsed by me if i told him that. that might also be because the only other two guys i remember doing that for me were daniel n nam before him, who were also boyfriends, but i think it was more than that. shit, i loved having albert talk dirty to me. not all the time, but when i was in the mood for it, n i told him things i never thought i'd say to anybody other than the fantasy boys i see in my head while i'm masturbating sometimes. he even told me that i asked him to say things sometimes that he thought girls only said in porn. i wonder, tho, if its because i knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of those things n that it was just playing into some fantasy for him as much as it was for me. it wasn't real, we really did love each other, i really did mean something to him, n our sexual activity was an expression of this love and an extension of our intimacy.
i still remember when we had sex on my birthday, or at least the next morning when i was telling him things to call me while we were having sex. one of them was to call me an object n tell me i was just a sex toy, n he wouldn't. i didn't really care, just hearing me say that to him got me off as it was, but afterwards when we were talking about what we felt n the crap matt had said the night before n so on n so on, the fact that i had told him to call me those things as we made love came up. we'd been talking about how much i meant to him n how he loved me n what he thought of me, n he said he just couldn't call me those things. He said that while there were some things he could say, he just couldn't tell me i was only an object to him because it wasn't true. it just wasn't true. he said, "I don't see you that way and I never have," n i think that i always knew that n that's why i felt comfortable doing that with him. i trusted him, because i knew afterwards he'd still smile at me that same way, n he'd still kiss me that same way n he'd still caress me the same way and hold me against him the same way, and we'd still lay in bed n talk about random crap afterwards the same way we always did, n as he wrapped his arms around me n rubbed my shoulders n i wrapped mine around him n ran my fingertips down his back, he'd still tell me that he loved me the same way.
a few times now when i've woken up in the middle of the night horny i've refrained from masturbating simply because it hurt me so much to think about when he used to be laying in bed next to me, n i'd wake up to him playing with the opening of my vagina with his fingertips or he'd wake up to me running my hands along his cock to get him hard or just before i got on top n penetrated myself with his boner that i'd spent the past few minutes working to get up. last night i did masturbate when i woke up in the middle of the night horny, but i still thought about all that n how the bare skin of his body felt all along my own.
well i need to get going now, i've been writing for an hour n need to get dressed as much as i don't want to, eat, n get some homework done before i meet w/ my group because i am NOT prepared right now. i haven't checked to see if i got another message from cyn, but i'm feeling so good right now that i don't want to. i'll wait.
when i was waiting for the shuttle, i got a call from someone at student affairs saying randy, the judicial officer, wanted to meet with me that afternoon, n honestly, i was thinking, "thank god!" i'd been considering talking to her about this whole situation because i didn't know who else to talk to so i could clear all this crazy shit up.
i went n tabled n i didn't see albert just like i'd figured. maybe he exited out the door on the other side of the building that i couldn't see, maybe he just didn't go to class, but i didn't see him at all. n amazingly, i didn't freak out, either. no huge anxiety attack or anything. maybe its because i'm so aggitated with the whole situation that its helping me keep my distance from him, or maybe its because spending last week in ohio with anna really did help me let go of a lot of the things i was feeling. still, i figured his absense meant he knows whats been going on.
i was nervous before meeting randy n figured it would be a circus. here's part of a message i just sent to anna:
i thought it would be hella worse than it actually was, altho while i was waiting for her to get back from a meeting i saw a cop n as soon as i did i knew he was there for me. when she got there we went in her office n apparently a guy who goes by "greg latimor" or "greg sanders" and this chik named "jessica dorsi" e-mailed the school/called the counseling center n said that i'd written on my mindsay about shooting up the school n myself. how fucking rediculous is that? they read me this e-mail n i was just like, "i have no idea who these fucking ppl are" n i really don't. the cop also said that both of the phone numbers that called in talking about me started with some area code in florida. i told them that the only ppl i could possibly think would do this would be cyn/albert, or that random person that comes on my blog n leaves messages about how i'm a fat ugly whore that should just kill myself n shit. (i'm leaning more towards that because the e-mail also said shit about me cutting myself n showing it off to ppl on the web n in real life. how many cuts did u see when i was out there?) they'd even e-mailed the link to my mindsay to them n i said, "if u wanna check it, you have the link," n they were like, "we did, n ur right, there's nothing there." it was weird tho cuz then they started asking me about cyn n albert n what albert is like. i dunno if they talked to them after i left or what, but they did make a point in saying, "we don't know who these people are, either. we don't know that its is them and we don't know that its not them." n the only time i really started crying was when i mentioned that the 15th was when my grandma died. i was thinking, "great, now they're gonna tell me this is suspicious," but they didn't. u'd have been so proud of me :)that's the abreviated version of what happened, n that's pretty much it. it reminded me a lot of when i had to do basically that same shit in middle school, but this time it wasn't quite as bad. i was really scared that they'd try to make me disarm a gun or something crazy like that like albert had to do in hs cuz i could seriously accidentally hurt myself or someone else doing that cuz i really have no fucking clue how. i'm sure its not that hard to learn, but i've never been taught that. n it sux that now the school has the link to this site so they can scope it out if they ever feel like it, but if that's the only way to show i'm not a gun-toting looney then i guess that's all there is to it.
today has been full of ups n downs n i'm sure that there will be more. my test this morning wasn't too bad n neither was the rest of class, really. before my stats lab, tho, jackie told me that there's this guy who's a friend of hers n he wants her to hook him up with someone...n she told him about me n she was wondering if i'd be interested, hehe. i didn't have the chance to ask her about him before i had to go to class, but i was really excited. as much as i still want to be with albert, who still hasn't been on here, i really need to move on n i know that. i also really WANT to move on. i know that lingering on him does me no good n besides that, after all the pain he's caused me i'm still asking myself why part of me still loves him. i know i said i didn't want another boyfriend again, but i guess i'm starting to get desperate. i'm tired of hurting over someone i'm not important to.
then i found out that a class that i really wanted to take next semester overlaps w/ sexual diversity, a class i not only want to take but is required for my minor n only offered in the fall so i need to take it next semester if i want to graduate next year. n i was getting so excited for next semester, nothing overlapped or anything...grr, school!
then i went to go prosect n accidentally cut off part of a muscle n some viens i probably wasn't supposed to. it was deffinately not my day for prosecting, n tomorrow i was gonna tell my professor about the scalpel...haha...
in other news, apparently sean is walking over here now, which means I'M GETTING LAID! fuck yea! i know sean's a douche, but i'm glad to be getting sex. i started thinking about albert n really missing him again today. i hope he's ok, he still hasn't been by n apparently cyn's got some crazy rash n she's been semi-quarentined. (ha!)
2. Don't worry, it's not schizophrenia; you just have a rampant case of The Cliks. - Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong today; like a living example of Murphy's Law, your left shoelace broke and your right one caught on fire; your washing machine broke so it was either wet pants or dirty pants; you missed the bus and forgot your stuff at home; you just had a horrible breakup with your partner of six-and-a-half years and you're coming to terms with the fact that you're transgendered. What are you going to do? For Lucas Silveira, it meant gritting his teeth and remembering that what doesn't kill you makes amazing song lyrics. I'm not going to get into where these guys come from because all you need to know is that they exist purely to fill your world with poignant, personal lyrics the likes of which your 'pop music' mind will explode from coming into contact with. They currently have only released one album, "Snakehouse", but they come out of the gates LGBT fists and guitars swinging fast and hard. They are probably best known for their cover of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" but let me tell you, Silveira could kick Timberlake's ass without even taking his stylish white suit coat off. This is not your average cover: there are no strained voices trying to replicate a sound that isn't their's; there is no pretentious thought process that they can do better; this cover is simply a matter of taking a hollow pop song and pouring a whole lot of emotional kerosene into it and lighting it with a voice so passionate and sincere that by the time the guitars fade away you just might be the one in tears. "Complicated" is another song that I just can't get enough of on those days when everything seems to go wrong and feel a little bit dead on the inside, and I need something to scream at in order to feel better. Silveira's voice is almost haunting at the beginning, as if you can see him with furrowed brow and hooded eyes, looking across the bar at you, shoulders defeated and hunched over his drink; until the song progresses and you realize that's not defeat on his shoulders -- it's nobility and passion and maybe even a little bit of anger and resentment. "Oh Yeah" is another one that I just can't resist pointing out to you because that opening line gets stuck in my head all the damn time. Also, we all know what it feels like to be betrayed and a little bit pissed off, and if you want a song thats worth singing along to with one of my favorite guitar solos to RAWK OUT to, you could do far far worse. Singing at the top of your lungs on the way home from a bad day to The Cliks? $13.99. Getting caught mid-lyric, red-faced and veiny-necked by your boss at the stoplight? Priceless.
3. Stop acting so surprised, this is - after all - The Age of Rockets. - With so many bands taking advantage of the easy accessibility of music editing programs like Fruity Loops, its no wonder the electronica / pop music genre has become flooded with garbage wrapped in poorly made music maps. The Age of Rockets is here to show you how its done, and you'd better sit down and listen, or they'll use their adorable indie charms on you until you come around to their thinking. Gotta watch out for those indie rockers, cause they'll getchya! A New York based band, these guys just have too much talent to keep to one band, their members dabbling in nearly half a dozen other projects that I could find. With a title like "Dumbledore's Army" and songs like "Avada Kedavra", you know you're putting your musical tastes in the hands of people who are human with a sense of humor just like your's, and that's always comforting. "Pétales Aiment La Saleté" is one of those songs that's sweet and tender and all around adorable. Really, it makes me want to cuddle with a giant teddy bear because they say it best when they say, 'Just because it hurts, don't mean that it's love.' "Once We Were Monsters" echoes an almost Muse-esque feel of the conspiracy theories and space travel, without the anger and the paranoia. Instead it's sang with an almost resigned sort of feeling, as if they've already accepted it and now it's just time to reminisce and take it as it is. If you're looking for a band to cuddle with that special high school someone with, you really can't go wrong with these guys.
4. Looks like you're in quite the Bond there buddy. - With contemporaries like Britney Spears and Kelly Clarkson, it's a wonder that you've probably never heard of these lovely ladies. Or perhaps you have, and have just never known who they actually were. It's hard to look up a song that has no lyrics! Yes, this is Bond, the classical string quartet that sounds like Tchaikovsky on speed and Santana with an orchestra. Two violins, a viola, and a cello only accent the sexy slick sound of what these London goddesses are offering. "The 1812" is a take on the classical exploding overture, and I've never felt my heart pound harder. With the climactic build up of electronic beats and powerful, passionate violin bows, this really is the epitome of our generation's nouveau classical music. And when the finale begins, the familiar sounds of cannons and brass echoing all around you, you'll be shocked to find yourself head banging to this reworked staple of the genre. There are so many good songs to be highlighted, but I only have so much time, so unfortunately, sacrifices will have to be made. "Victory" when it's mixed by Mike Batt, never was so sweet to shake your butt to. With a toe tapping beat and a deep bass that your speakers are going to love to blast, this is one of those songs you play when you WANT to be caught at that stop light with the windows down by that cute girl you pass everyday on your way to work, rocking out to some badass string quartet. The last song I'll mention is "Bond on Bond", and if you haven't been dead this past century, then yes, you're thinking correctly. Bond, the elegant London quartet with those sultry strings that I just can't get enough of, does a cover of the James Bond theme. I don't think I have to say anything more than, "EPIC". Any of their albums are beyond worth picking up, but the remixes tend to be more popular than the others. Pop one of these ladies into your CD player and you'll be sure to surprise and impress anyone else who's in the car.
5. Nope, you're pronouncing it wrong; it's Puscifer. - There is no way to prepare you for the sounds that about to assault your ears. Even telling you that Industrial Metal god Maynard James Keenan is the ringleader to this project couldn't possibly prepare you for the incredible journey the album "V is for Vagina" will take you on. Now, as a warning, there is no 'explicit' version and 'clean' version. Maynard is one of the original bad asses; one of the first guys to stand up, walk away from the rest of the group and say, "Hey, I do what I want." And right now, what he wants to do is fuck censorship, so there's only one album; one amazing, explicit, illicit and sexual album that you won't want to miss. A lot of the people I've talked to about this album seem to always overlook the track "Sour Grapes", and personally, I don't understand why. I think it's one of the best on the entire album, from the attention grabbing bass line, to the scraggly-bearded, wild-eyed and jowl-shaking preaching voice, to the mind blowing chants that reaffirm the whispering voices that no, you aren't imagining. And I don't know if Maynard wrote this song as a mocking taunt at organized religion, or if it is meant to be a stab at spirituality, but no matter what it was intended as, it's one of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm justifying why I don't go to church. It's a good thing I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to hell already, or this review would be incredibly difficult to write. "Rev 22:20" is beyond description, but I'm sure as hell going to try. Revelations 22:20 actually states, "He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus." and this song takes that scripture to a whole new level; speaking about a woman that you literally would sell your soul to sleep with just one more time, and how even Christ himself would succumb to this woman's sexuality. Now I don't know about all that, but I DO know that the original, (the one that I'm talking about here) is one of the crowning accomplishments of the industrial metal world. With a beat that makes you want to march and a background track of female vocals so sensual you'll want to put headphones on so they're not whispering to anyone but you, Maynard makes you go weak in the knees with his pleading, husky voice and by the end of the song you feel yourself begging with him. Now, controversy aside, the song "Indigo Children" is just way too cool to pass up. With the vocal effects warped and robotic, it sends delicious chills up my spine every time. So whether you're looking for something completely inappropriate, or a good album to be pissed off to, Puscifer is one of those unique bands that can hit that sweet spot that no one else can even come close to.
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