Alanis @ MindSay

Ok, so I just found out that Matchbox 20 is having a concert on Feb. 4th in the Xcel Center with guest artists Alanis Morissette and Mute Math!!!! (No idea who MuteMath is....) WOOOO!! I'm soooo excited and am totally going to that concert if it kills me!

I can be a nightmare of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone who's
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone who's
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything
To which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's
As closed-down as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to
Which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known
I am the dullest woman you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone who's
As everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything
To which you can't relate
And you're still here

You're still here
You're still here

And you're still here


-Alanis Morissette

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You know all this about me. You know more of me than anyone else. You're still here.

There's one guy who's seen me broken, seen me angry, seen me beautiful, seen me everything, and never left me, never stopped loving me. The first time I heard this, it was badname  who came to mind. For knowing me in my weakest and worst moments, and still thinking the best of me. For loving me both in spite of everything, and because of everything. For you.

Call me crazy, but Alanis covering 'my humps' is fantastic.

Doing a bit of shopping after work. I finally found a critical piece of my outfit for this concert - must try all sizes to see what looks either tackiest or cutest. Really, the desired characteristic changes with my mood. Oooh, jacket on sale I like...yay.

Chris is gamely sitting through me trying everything on that I like. I suppose this would make him the only guy who's ever had the patience to sit through clothes shopping with me. In actuality, he just decided he'd rather catch a ride with me than the bus. I've no idea why - waiting forty minutes for the bus would be faster.

Goofiness while checking out. Deliberately chose a friend's lane so that I might banter with her about her evening plans. She's the one 'the news' involves, and I can hardly wait to see her tomorrow so that I can find out how tonight went. Chris and I both answer, "me," at the same time when she questions about who a particular pair of garments is going to.

Head out, chattering in the rain. Chris is the friend who brings out more of my identity - I don't know how it works. I forget to be 'myself' around him, and instead I just be. It's as though it doesn't matter anymore that I'm not sparkly, charming, sardonic, laid-back, punk, flirty, or any single characteristic that defines me. We just talk about whatever comes up, and it's good.

Head over to one other store. I've done more clothes shopping in the past two days than I've done in the two months prior...however, my take on shopping is still the same. Get in, get what I need, get out. Last night, I'd found the right shirt here, but I'd deliberately left my checkbook home because I tend to be a little bit impulsive in my shopping.

Head in, chat with the delightful cashier who'd found almost exactly what I needed when I said, "overly Christmasy tacky." She'd been a lot of fun to shop with. Chris joked about heading over to Gamestop instead, true to guy form, but he stayed with me.

Munch a bagel, heading back towards Chris's apartment. Discussing some of the insane road design around Mayotown - he mentions a bridge up ahead, I point out that thanks to two different jobs I've had (actually, in hindsight, three), I used to drive over it four or five days a week, so it's not impressive. I mention the other goofy one in Mayotown, he replies that he hasn't been over it, so on a random whim (since I have to be at the library anyways) we take a detour.

Driving in the rain, a lot of nutsiness about this street at night. People wanting to make impossible left turns. I refuse to pass them - instead, I sit behind them, amused, sending "mental mocky thoughts" into the back of their vehicle. Chris is trying to identify the singer we're listening to, and I'm refusing to tell him.

Drop off books, with some commentary from Chris again. Back on the main road, heading towards his place. Almost miss the turn, distracted by the lights at Java Detour. I have words for someone who has taken my usual parking place, "Confound you!"...until I realize that I'm one house early.

Sit and talk for awhile. I finally switch to one of her better-known songs, but he still doesn't get it. I give him a look, laughing. "Thank U?" "Nope." I flip on the light, we dig through my backseat to find the case. "Oh!" Brief argument about whether or not she's done another song that he knows. We talk for awhile. He offers a compliment I know he believes, but I don't feel I deserve. I can't form any real argument to it, though, besides what we already both know. More talking, then he's heading out. He says he wants to kiss my cheek. I offer a hug as consolation. Chris is the one who always smells good.

Head back along the main street. Miss my turn, take it to my advantage, since I'm still shopping, to land briefly at Kmart. Drop some change with the Salvation Army bucket. I feel bad when it's a penny that doesn't quite fall in, but stays on top where he can see it. I don't think I'd feel bad if it were a dime.

No luck with Kmart, though I do run into a friend I haven't seen in years. Either the day or the years have run hard on him - he's not looking nearly as spunky and vivacious as I remember. Those were the days when I was the shy one, and he was mischief.

Get back over to the gym. One of the parking lots is being deconstructed, so everything's a little crowded right now. I've managed to come up with all manner of excuses for getting out of a workout, but having no parking is just ridiculous. Disgusted with myself, I grab a chocolate bite out of my snack stash, and head homeward.

The combination of a long day at work and the constant background of Alanis has slow-churned my emotional state into a morose apathy. I brake early for a traffic light, but the pads slip. I just watch the red approach until they finally grab. I remember to blink seconds later.

Approaching another red light, I realize the distinction I've been looking for between boredom and apathy. Boredom still has some measure of desire. It's a state of wanting something that you're too lazy to get. Apathy, you don't want anything, and you can't be bothered to interact with anything enough to feel something about it. You're simply on automatic.

It's possible to be at your most productive in this state, so long as you're not creating, just making something.

Or so I conclude as the light turns green.

Driving on past the Italian place where we meet on Thursdays, I realize that this is a piece of why I have an issue with sex without love. It's possible to give all of yourself physically, and give none of the real you. You can give another person complete pleasure, and remain at a distance, to take no enjoyment in it yourself. And that bothers me.

The best part of life is not having the best, it's giving the best to someone else. Making someone else's day will nearly always make mine. I believe that. And that matters to me.

But I'm still remaining at a distance from the world. My brakes aren't particularly wet anymore, so I don't have the slip-grab to play with. My thoughts are sorting themselves out, but it's as though I'm just watching them, I'm not directing them at all. Apathy, or scientific observation?

Scientist can't afford to care about the test subjects.

A tremor goes through me as I pass through one intersection. It always does at this one. I drive through it as often as I can - north-south is what does it, east-west doesn't matter. Syn sees Death now and again in the operating room. I catch a glimpse of him standing on the corner in the rain.

He's watching the traffic impassively. This is the only time I can really see him - raining, at night. The rest of the time, I just know he's there. Sometimes he has a sad smile as he watches the steel choreography. It's not a triumphant grin he carries. Most of the time, it's just an unreadable expression. I wish I could loop back and compare it to scientific observation, but it's more than that. I think he's looking for someone, waiting for someone he recognizes. He has to catch them when they come.

My mom's car is newer than mine and my dad's. A few years ago, her previous one, same model, was totaled in this intersection. He missed her by about a tenth of a second. It did more than frighten me then. I couldn't really say it, even in my head, until about this year. I was a tenth of a second from losing my mom.

So I drive through it as often as I can. Same reason I run to the edge of the cliff when I'm terrified of heights. Same reason I'll never say no on the lake when a challenge scares me.

I can't surrender. I'll endure until I can't take it any longer, and then I'll fight, and try to force it back. I'll fight until it gives in, or I break. But I don't surrender easily.

Turning onto the highway, reflecting. That's the issue with Christianity. It requires you to say that there's something you can't do, but something you need. We can't do that. We don't need. We want. We refuse to admit need. Because that gives something else power. We want to be the first power in our lives. It's my life, no one else has any right to be more powerful in it than I am. Right?

We don't surrender. We're Americans! We're the best nation in the world! Why should we surrender to anyone?

Driving home. Playing the same song over and over. I couldn't tell you now what the lyrics are, just that I need the rhythms carving into my brain. Rain lashing, wipers whipping, head held by three fingers of my left hand. Not really listening. Only sort of watching. Not really thinking. Forgetting that I'm feeling. Barely even being.

It's moods like this that worry the guys. I haven't precisely nailed down why, but I've got a general idea of it. I'm just tired, and maybe ignoring that I'm worried. I've got something of a test tomorrow, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm coming down to crunch time with what I need to be getting taken care of. I don't know how it's going to affect me and Tony that I won't be around very much next semester. I need sleep. I need to take care of a big project. But I'm soul-tired.

There've been moments all week where I could say I'm feeling my years, but that seems ridiculous coming from someone who still can't legally drink. I just feel tired, deep down in.

Sigh, flip off the cruise as I approach the first traffic lights of my town. I always do this - coast and gradually lose momentum, and see if I've timed it right to run out before I get there. I never do - if I actually did, it would take so long that the lights would have changed again by the time I arrive. But that's okay.

Minivan hauls out of DQ in front of me. I brake abruptly, but my mind envisions plowing into the back of it. Just tired, that's all. So, so tired. Soul-tired, maybe. Brain-tired, definitely. Heart's on a shelf right now, I've got no ability for emotions.

Down into my driveway. Kind of hungry. Rain's only pattering now. What else do I need to bring in. That's right, band tomorrow. Maybe. Project. Do I have time to shower.

I'm home.