Aggression @ MindSay

Today was rather uncool.

As far as I can tell, this came out of NOwhere. Had a full shift at work, and before it was half-done, I just got hit with this whong! of aggression. Anger. Everyone was a cause for irritation. People who came into my lane too slow. People

People who know how to do my job better than I do are always welcome, oh, yes. Also, people who feel that their lives are too out-of-control for their standards, so they respond by trying to control anyone in a 'lower' position.

Anyone either under twenty or over forty-five who wears too much makeup. (For some reason, adult women don't seem to have this issue - but once you're stooping for attention, your maturity is called into question.) Honestly, you're beautiful. You don't need that, and you look ridiculous. What is wrong with you??

People who say things like, "Excuse me," and "Could you please," when they sound like they're saying, "What is wrong with you?!" Parents being mean to their kids. Kids being rude to their parents. Me not being able to be me. Things for not working the way they're supposed to. The guy acting like nothing's changed and we're still pals.

Yep. Today probably should have been a Midol day.

Which is a shame, because it was a lovely day. It's as though we've finally been released. Yeah, we still have piles of snow everywhere, it's Minnesota, but the wind is blowing warm and free, the sun is out, the sky is cloudless and blue once more (perhaps if you're from somewhere else, you are unaware that, through winter, the sky is actually gray the whole time).

I went out to my car for all my breaks, munched in there with the windows open. It was slightly too chilly to sit on the trunk and munch (that, and my car is filthy, and I probably won't wash it until April anyway), but enjoying the sunlight once more...oh, yes. Life is good.

On that note: Knuter spent five hours skiing yesterday. Knuter did not wear sunblock, but he did wear his ski helmet (which makes us all very happy, as it's saved his life in the past). Knuter is now quite red, except for a wide swath along his chin, which remains untouched. Ariane is amused.

Must remember this for the future. Driving home listening to Kutless helps SO much. Reese and I both have quarrels with our aggression, but mine is a very rare thing. His, not so much. When I do have issues with it coming up irrationally, I just want to get away from everybody and run it out. Literally - most of my more passionate emotions are slackers and can't keep up, so after about a half-mile or something they let go and drop out of the race. And then I can keep going however I want - there won't be any more damage wrought by these. Reese's approach is to try to stamp it down, or drown it out and lose himself in his music.

Kutless is ideal because the instrumentation appeals to the aggression, but the words are going back to what's important. You can focus on it instead of it annoying you like everything else is, and somewhere in there the real you, and your normal perspective, emerge from the monster that's gotten 'hold of you.

I'm afraid, in some ways, because I don't know where this aggression comes from. I can find all sorts of excuses for it once it arrives - my teacher, not having enough time to practice, the guy (not Knuter), feeling unfulfilled at my job - but none of those are what started it. My theory is that it's something pre-period related, coupled with the changing seasons that have a hey-day with my hormones, but I don't have any conclusive evidence, just suggestive.

I want to figure out where this comes from, and fix it, but it's rather rare. Occurs more during the winter, but that means maybe three times in five months, instead of one in four. Difficult to keep track of. And since I'm usually more focused on getting past it and getting it out of me, I don't take the time to analyze it.

Difficult to say.

.I am of the opinion that, in today's world, Freud is largely underappreciated. Although many of his ideas may seem extreme, he most likely wrote them with the intentions of seeming more far-gone than he actually was. Going farther than you intend often best gets the point across.

.The truth is, so many people look at Freud and say, "What an old pervert! He just wanted to have as much sex as he could!" The fact of the matter is, Freud was an old, married doctor who enjoyed working in his garden. True, he was young at some point, but that's a different story. The point I'm trying to make is that Freud was not making these theories because he wanted them to be true. He made them because some of them really were... and some of them he simply believed were.

.Freud saw discontent arising from a person's sexual problems. And, really, most discontent could be traced back to sex related issues. Most divorces are sex-related. Many splits in unmarried relationships are sex related. Much of the homosexual population struggles with religious affiliation because of their sexual orientation. Many parent-teen conflicts arise from sexual issues. Even the terrorist attacks in recent years can be traced back to sex (They viewed America and other similar nations as immoral--mostly in the sexual sense).

.Really, people can't help but make sex a big deal without even realizing it. We immerse ourselves in it. We can't get enough of it. Sex controls advertising, television, films, the fashion industry, and the multi-million-dollar porn industry. Yet we can never stop talking about how bad it is. High Schools can force teens to watch films of mutilated corpses for the purpose of scaring them away from drunk driving (even though the corpses often have little to do with the subject). Yet, a high school would be sued out the wazoo if they tried to show the nude form or an artistic expression of a sexual act in school. And what is sex to be such a big deal? Fifteen minutes to an hour-and-a-half of moving about in a sweaty, awkward postition, uncomfortably close to another human being, working your way toward the common goal of a short, fleeting bliss. Not that sex is a bad thing, but... I'm just saying...

.Aggression, Freud said, was biological. Everyone has aggression. Aggression and discontent go hand in hand. When the level of discontent gets too high, our aggressive tendencies can become violent. Husbands kill their wives lovers over sex. Wives will kill their cheating husbands. In some cultures, adulterers and homosexuals are still executed for their actions. Speaking of homosexuals, the level of violent hate crime against them is very high. I think we've all heard of Mathew Shepard. And, once again, there are still those terrorist attacks.

.Ultimately, I'm of the opinion that Freud is not exactly wrong on these issues. The way he sees them is very much plausible. So, excuse me if I don't make fun of him with you.

.Basically.

Rachel's sick. Very sick. I can't drive her right now.

I am not describing this for anyone to diagnose. So please don't. But, suffice it to say that she's not really running as she should be, mostly the way she's idling. And she's got a funny thing about not wanting to come down from highway speed RPMs that's going to get me killed if I drive her while she's got it.

Were she a living organism, I'd decide on fever and slipping in and out of delirium. One sergeant in a book trilogy I enjoy views certain members of her platoon as being particularly efficient siege engines. They're very good in battle, and if one of them gets broken, you leave it alone and out of the way of the action for a few weeks and it's fixed again. Her callous attitude earns her a few marks of disfavor, but I had another thought on that. No, regular mechanicals can't repair themselves if left alone for a few days, but at least you can store a broken one in a shed with a lot of others and not worry about the disrepair spreading.

Not related to Rachel, just a thought that crossed my mind. Dorm life. Ergh. How I am not looking forward to it. The small space I find comforting and welcoming. The lack of solitude, I do not. I like having the world outside my space quiet - it makes it all the easier to forget that it's there when I'm focused on something. When you're surrounded by people all the time, it's hard to keep it to yourself when something's plaguing your mind. And once certain people know that there's something bothering you, it's going to bother them until they bother you to tell them what it is so that they can go bother somebody else about it.

Were I male, I'd say I have a tendency to be an antisocial prick from time to time. However, I don't refer to females as being 'pricks'. Because prick is often a sideways reference to a kind of singlemindedness and not really caring. Females, when they're being singleminded, care way, WAY too much. It's that whole thing with having more connections between the two sides of the brain. We have to travel at world-speed, but our minds jump from point A to point D in the time it takes the thought to travel through. So, we tend to recycle a bit - send things through more times than necessary, just to keep pace with the rest of the world. I entertain myself with the image of a few girls who figured out that this isn't necessary, who abandon the recycling, think at normal speed, and disappear from our world, simply because they're going too fast to interact with us at all.

Actually, I have no evidence that this is not in fact the case.

Anyway, so, you get bored recycling the same thought six times, waiting for everybody else to catch up, so you take the time to go through it and see if you missed anything. And that's where overanalyzing happens. Our egos create a natural paranoia, so we look for potential threats, or any clues that could lead to one. And when you watch the same scene six times, you stop looking at the main action and start looking for things around the edges, and there are 'clues' liberally scattered through human interactions. Holmes once said something about how the majority of 'clues' out there really don't lead to anything, they're just information that means nothing. Most of us missed this memo. So you will be thinking your relationship with your sweetheart is going fine and dandy, and she will be trying desperately to figure out WHY you don't love her as much as this other girl that you barely talk to.

Tony's right. Girls are insane.

So, tonight, I got a little clue that it isn't just my imagination, I really AM a pansy compared to my sisters.

Little background bit first. The kid's in a play. The kid has CC camp which will take up a few crucial rehearsals that they need her for. I said, sure, I'll step in, I don't have work those nights. As long as they're not trying to put me in her costume - she's about eight inches shorter than I am, and built like a pygmy goddess.

Munchkin's character is someone who takes theater very seriously. And she's incredibly annoyed with someone who doesn't. Incredibly annoyed is putting it mildly. She would like very much to kill her with her bare hands. I am delightedly amused by this.

My dad's also in this. I am planning on dragging Tony along to it some night, if he doesn't succeed in coming up with a reasonable excuse. He was very nice about going to Sandra first and explaining why Shorty's absent, and I'm filling in. Sandra is our high school theater director, as well. And she is a piece of work. She takes theater VERY seriously. Having outside priorities is a no-no. Forget work. Sports - well, actually, all the theater geeks will cast you out anyways for missing drama for sports. We're thespians - they're just jocks. She's generous - you get a choice as to whether you'll be doing homework or sleeping during this semester. But she's a good director. Hardest taskmaster I've had yet, impossible to deal with, and has amazing talents for unpleasantness. But a good director.

So, Sandra's worked with all three of us in theater. Or rather, HAD all three of us in theater. Numerous times. And she looked at me and said, "Amanda? I've never seen Amanda be mean. I didn't know Amanda COULD be angry." She then went on about our middle sister for a bit, about how she could certainly be angry. I don't doubt it. My sister's rebellion, anarchy, fierce tongue, and attitude are near-legendary. Ee was our stage manager - SHE was legendary. There are still people who shiver when Ee's name is mentioned - mostly male people. She's good with a heavy pump heel to rather delicate tissues. The kid has a bright fire in her where anger is concerned - quick to come up, holds for awhile, disappears again. I wouldn't deliberately tangle with her, but it's not as nasty as my sister can be.

And then there's me. And Thom and Ryan, who were standing around listening to Sandra, agreed wholeheartedly. I'm just...not angry. Not aggressive. I'm a pansy!

Speaking of Thom, there's a face I've missed. Thom and I first started hanging out during Mame. We've got a bunch of running jokes, we had a few classes together. He's a year my junior, and his senior year's been a particularly rough one. It was great to see him again. I like flirting with him - he either laughs at me, or gets very nervous. Such fun! :D

But, I'll be doing dress rehearsal and preview night. Maybe the bunny can find some inner nastiness.

"It's just an ordinary rabbit, isn't it?"

I think i just need to take a really big stick and hit some one. That always makes me feel better. Now, who to hit...hmmm, there's really no one here who lets me take out my aggression like Chris did back in high school.