Afraid @ MindSay

there are many problems with the town that i live in

it is small for one

everyone is the same

and unless you are just like everyone else

you get singled out and ridiculed

i am one person that refuses o be like everyone

i have my own style

and i do what i want

apparently ppl here dont like it

i have ignored it for three years now

it has bottled up

and biult pressure i feel like exploding

i know if i do that it will cause more trouble and drama than i want or need

nothing here is secret and nothing can be private

if you dont want everyone knowing

then you cant tell anyone

you cant trust anyone and eventually ppl begin to hate you

for no reason just because

that is when you learn about the rumors

it gets the best of everyone

and everyone spreds them

parents

teachers

authority figures

EVERYONE!!!!!!

and ppl like me "EMO" kids

well not ppl but the person which is me

i am the only one in this town that is not like everybody else

get made fun of and pushed to the curb alot

mostly in my opinion because i am different

ppl here dont like that

A part of me wonders why I am doing this...I think there is solace in knowing you are reaching out to someone..a faceless existence..one of many.
I am afraid ...afraid I would die lonely...just forgotten ..a small unimportant minuscule person.I am in tears and yet from so many people in my life there is no one I can call.
Sometimes I wish God talked back.. someone to tell me everything would be ok..I find I need reassurance  for all  the mistakes ..a multitude of them
lonely people do stupid things , trust in stupid guys and end up feeling used, be grateful for small favors and all in all end up being vulnerable for all and sundry
I need to learn how not to look back... Today,I called a stupid guy I once cared about...big mistake
now am trying to write something so i do not hate myself. I cant afford to hate myself because then there is no hope for a better tomorrow.
But I wish I could stop feeling so lonely.

I'm writing here because I have a fight tomorrow and I need to clear my head. I'd rather be talking to someone, but I've burned all those bridges now. It's okay, I mean, as much as I'd rather that they were in my life, I can't NEED them. It's still just a little hard, you know, not having anybody around.

 

Emily could see that I was having a rough day, and she offered to listen, but it was just a little too close to to the truth, and I couldn't tell her. I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. I wasn't going to mention anything about the causes of it all, but I desperately wanted her to know how alone I felt. Feel. She's felt able to rely on me for emotional support when days get rough, and probably wanted to reciprocate. But I couldn't. Part of it is how much she reminds me of Hannah, part of it is how much the whole situation reminds me too much of Hannah. I fell in Love with her through an alternating series of one of us opening up to the other, and the same thing is wrenching us apart. I can't open up to people with that deapth anymore. I'm scared of the pain. I'm terrified. Nightmares cause me to sweat, but this kind of terror causes me to shiver. I'm paralyzed by it. It's strangling me right along with the guilt of all the things I've done, and most immediately the guilt of the things I have to do.

 

What is the right thing? Is Roslin right? Is the right thing a luxary? What's it all worth? Will I still have a soul when it's over? Can I get through it without hurting the people I love any more? Can I continue to live if I can't?

Can Hannah and I ever rebuild our friendship if I continue to insist that I can't turn to her in times of trial? Would it matter? What if it was the only way? Could I do it?

 

Her friendship is worth everythng to me. I would do anything to preserve it. But what if it's no longer in my power to allow her to BE a friend? Can I fix it? What if I'm just not strong enough to hold on? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I live to find out? These questions bind me like a noose, strangling me, breaking me under the weight of their absent answers, and beneath the fear of their revelation.

 

I'm tired. I'm desperately tired. I'm tired of hanging onto the cords that tie me to half-forgotten memories and the friendship at their core, when those memories are so far out of my view that I'm not even sure if they're at the other end anymore. I love Hannah, but if she untied one end of the line and walked away from it, I don't think she'd ever tell me. Hell, she might not be able to recognize it. I guess it's likely that she's on the other end, afraid to let go just like me. Is it too much to hope for that she is as sure as I am that it's worth it to hang on, no matter how much it hurts?

 

Or the worst question: What if I'm the one that's let go? God forgive me if that's true.

 

I can't do this anymore. This brought a lot more to the surface than I was expecting. My speed-dial now accesses a blank address book entry that her number used to occupy. Yes, I remember the number, but it's one I won't call for help anymore. I can't. I could once, and now she hates me for it. No, I can't do this anymore, but I can't turn to her either. I think I might just go bury my face in a quilt and see if I can't drop a tear or too, then either try this again or go over to Taylor's when I feel I can handle my emotions without informing him.

 

I just...there's not enough comfort here right now. This is all a lot harder than I wanted it to be. To be continued.

.My surgery is in an 1 1/2 hours. I was asked to take a sleep aid at this point so I'll be kind of out of it by the time I get there.

.Surgery freaks me out. I know I have to do this... but I'm really scared.

.The idea of a skin graft freaks me out. Especially an oral skin graft.

.I wasn't allowed to eat anything today before the surgery. I quickly walked/jogged a mile on my empty stomach knowing I was going to be on my ass for a few days. That probably wasn't a good idea. My mother showed me the array of soft foods she purchased for me to eat in the next few days. These include jello, jello, some more jello, two kinds of pudding, clam chowder, V8, and a couple kinds of juice. I'm excited. Maybe I'll lose weight on the post-op diet. Heh... sigh.

.Hopefully there's nothing else I have to do before the surgery that requires thinking... I think the pill is kicking in... Oh, damn... I have to find something to wear...

I’ve been starting every time I heard the phone ringing since yesterday… My dad called me yesterday afternoon to tell me my grandfather is in the hospital and that he had to undergo a heavy surgery… so now, every time I hear the phone, I’m scared that someone will announce a terrible news.

 

I know, my grand-father is old, and it is the normal way of life to see your grandparents die, but he is the only of my grandparents still alive, he is the father of my Mum, who has been dead for seven years now… He is so important to me that I am really scared to see him go… I really fear that moment.

 

The news from my Dad were optimistic enough, but I cannot help being scared.