Acceptance @ MindSay

a long day at work was spent praying and debating and wondering.

things i do quite often these days... i pondered gaige and his intent,

i dreaded monday's approach (even though it was just early saturday

afternoon...), i even interacted with an ever confusing logan. now

THERE is a back story i don't wish to dive into at this moment, or

ever for that matter. 

 

i placed it all in God's hands. well, all except the logan thing. i don't

know why i didn't, i just kind of wrote him off. wrong, i know, but i

don't mean it in a mean way, just in a, "whatever, you're just... you

and that's ok. just as long as you don't toy with me."

 

i cranked up family force 5 on the way home. and by cranked up, i

mean the windows were rattlin'. it was "the first time." oh how i heart

that song. i entered the house with a jog on my mind. i didn't get to

take it in the morning because it was storming and such. as much as

i would love to run in the rain, i only have one pair of good running

tennies these days and i'm mostly broke seeing as how i have college

to pay for in a few months.

 

mom stopped me in my tracks with six words that will be embedded

in my mind forever, "you got a letter... from OBU." i dropped my bag

and ran to the hall. there it sat, right next to the bath and body works

coupon. i opened it hurriedly, but ever so gingerly.

 

they were excited to congratulate me on being accepted into the OBU

student family.

 

i am a bison now.

i have life after ICC. (thank God!)

i'm going to OBU in 356 days.

 

i'm leavin'.

As most of you who visit my know I had my last session with my therapist Julie.  It really wasn't a closure session, at least it didn't seem to be.

I told her I was upset with her when she did nothing in regards to my suicide attempt.  She told me that I needed to take self-responsibility and when she saw me Wednesday I seemed fine.  Just because I looked fine doesn't mean I was.  And she has an obligation to report to the crisis unit if I am suicidal.  This very well may not have happened had she stepped up and said something.  I am not putting all the blame on her but she has some.  I am the one to choose to overdose and it was my fault I was on a ventilator.

We also talked about how I felt I needed a switch a long time ago.  She told me I just did it ass backwards.  It is my fault I have a new therapist.  She diagnosed me with facticious disorder.  I know what is true and what isn't at this point.  I know my abuse is but other than that I am still confused as hell.

I still see her in DBT but once I am done with it, I will no longer have her in group.  I did really well in DBT on Wednesday.  I had no hard feelings towards her and a big part of me has accepted the need for change.

I did leave her office very upset and so Jen and I had planned on me going to the crisis unit and I would stay there until she got there.  We soon left and I was doing ok.  I still am, at least I think I am.

I did injure last night.  Now I still have consequences so I need to call Karen to see if I have to forfeit on Monday.

  A few years ago, I began a journey of self discovery being prompted by this thought...'how can the true measure of ones virtue be known unless it's tested against a wall of vileness'...so far, this is what I've discovered, "I'm not full of virtue or noble qualities", (as I imagined myself to be) and that there are junctures on this 'road', when met, stir within me a sometimes violent, emotional confrontation, resulting in a submissive willingness to go far beyond the parameters of the person I've wanted people to believe I am...there's wildness and sweet abandonment in me...and I've fallen and am falling, stumbled and am stumbling, and perhaps rushed yet am rushing headlong into the internal/external ecstasies of substantive love...which has revealed itself to be the inescapable foundation (and hence, the beginning) of authentic and meaningful relationship...I'm just beginning to breach my dimensions..this character study is proving to be the one upon which all others will hinge...(I think)

Cross-Posted, with permission - from EOPC:

Once you find out what the cyberpath is they may do a combination of any of the following:

• Disappear and/or block you and/or change their nicknames, identity & emails
• Lash out at you
• Smear you
• Belittle you
• Tell everyone that you both know you are "crazy" or "stalking them" or (the oldest one there is) you're a "scorned man/woman."
• many other nasty, malicious things

This is betrayal. This is what pathological people do when their 'mask' is pulled out. You reel from it because you can't understand. You can't imagine what happened to the attentive loving guy you met who seemed understanding. Nothing happened. That wasn't the REAL PERSON. This monster who is out for your virtual heart is the real person.

Everything else? was a lie.

All you will get now is narcissistic rage. Anger that you busted them. And threats of harm to you, your family and so on.  Attempts to embarass you into silence (such as posting slander and other garbage around the net on you).

Just read through the stories of exposed predators and see how they treated their victims. Take a look at Ed Hicks, Doug Beckstead, J/ Gridney/ Yidwithlid, Brad Dorsky, Dan Jacoby or Keith Clive. Look at how they were to their targets once they got bored or angry with them. Watch their rage, their blame-shifting, their guilting and their disappearing acts from the lives of people who people who genuinely loved and cared about them.

The one thing we can tell you is that 95% of the time, the threats are a form of "control by temper tantrum."

Like a 6 year old they are mad that you won't play their game or said "NO" to them. Or they got bored and don't want to play with you anymore, then your emails and attention are suddenly ANNOYING. So they kick, scream, stomp away hoping you will be so upset you will let them start up their game again. Either with you or someone else. Or, that you are so scared of them you dare won't expose them or tell others.

DON'T FALL FOR IT! And don't for a second think they haven't told their online friends, offline friends, partner/ spouse, job... that you are "obsessed with" them or a "scorned" partner who's one step from being a 'bunny boiler.' 

When you send just one more email or make one more call hoping for explanation, closure, something... they will say "see!! see how she is!! she's nuts and won't leave me alone! she's trying to manipulate me!  She's stalking me!"

If you really want to help them? Expose them. Make them accountable. Don't let them scare you into silence. Help others stay away!

Maybe they will get their relationship/ marriage right. Maybe they will go into LONG TERM counseling. The odds are 98% of them don't. But don't let them scare you.

Take back what they took from you. Your power, your dignity and your peace of mind. - Fighter
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Betrayal, when realized, is a phenomenal existential feeling. Suddenly, your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question reality, but most of all you question yourself. How, you wonder, could I have been so naive, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing? It may be difficult to believe, but these questions are good. YOU are the normal person, the one who aligns reality (he was so nice to me, he was my friend) with a cognitive belief: he ACTS as if he likes me, he TELLS me he likes me, I see no reason not to believe him because in my past, people who act and speak this way, CAN be trusted. There is congruency. But not now.

Suddenly, you learn that someone trusted - a spouse, lover, family member, close friend - has been putting you down, lying, manipulating others against you, and yet maintaining a stance of intimacy with you.

The world is not clear, the ground you stand on is wobbly. You will never feel good about this. You will not "Get Over" it.

But you CAN move forward. You can do so by realizing that no matter how awful the betrayal, YOU are the normal person and this betrayal comes from rage. This person envies you in some way, is enraged about it, and MUST put you down behind your back. They MUST harm you. They have no choice. But you do. In the world of normals, after we get over the shock, we can use this experience to become stronger, to help others, to learn to avoid this particular toxin, and to calm ourselves that the higher moral ground is ours. It's too bad this person acted as he did, we wish he did not, but we are NOT diminished by their pathology. Wiser, sadder, but never diminished.

The Exposer believes that cyberpathy is a form of pathology. Either narcissistic or sociopathic/ anti-social. Because its exploitative and the cyberpath has no remorse or guilt. Therefore we publish this article for the victims of cyberpaths.

Don't believe they aren't hurting you on purpose. They are. But you are not the 'object' they treated you like. Stand up and tell them. They will probably disappear from your life while painting themselves as the victim - OF YOU!

Stop giving them the opportunity - stop trying to "get through" to them, stand up for yourself and starting healing you! Hurting You Isn't Something Narcissists Do by Accident
by Kathy Krajco

In all the jabber about narcissism, the worst noise is this idea that hurting you is something narcissists do by accident.

If you get nothing else out of "What Makes Narcissists Tick," get the message that frees you of that ridiculous belief. Which is nothing but a baseless assumption. I don't ask you to take my word for this. Test what I say when I say that narcissists hurt you on purpose. Anyone can test any narcissist. Here's how:

The next time the narcissist is hurting your feelings or making you feel low, let your feelings show and tell him or her how they are making you feel asking them to stop it.

Be prepared for a shock. Any normal human being would soften and let up, but a narcissist will do exactly the opposite.

What does that mean? Is revving up their engines, kicking in the afterburners, and running you right over an "accident" after you show your soft underbelly and beg them to let up on you?

It's no "accident," that's for sure.

Want to see a narcissistic rage? That's no "accident" either. The test:

Just fall to your knees in tears begging them to have a heart and stop kicking you around like dirt.

The narcissist's response? He or she blows up into a rage. Is that rage an "accident" when nothing but how deeply they are hurting you provokes it? No, it's a willful and wanton outrage.

Now hear this: THEY DON'T DO IT BY ACCIDENT. They aren't just inconsiderate and touchy. Test their "touchiness" (if you can do so safely, or have somebody not at the N's mercy test it - someone who can defend themselves).

Rage right back in their face. Act just as wild right back in their face. Threaten right back. Speak abusively right back. Now any normal person would be provoked to rage by your doing this in their face. But narcissists are so UNtouchy that they do the opposite.

Watch how instantaneously the raging narcissist becomes meek and mild and switches to his "I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly-mask." Don't take my word for it. Test it.

You CANNOT insult a narcissist who isn't in a position to bully you! It's impossible.

Try it, you'll see. Your lack of vulnerability gives them skin a foot thick! (Not to mention a rubber spine.) "Touchy" my you-know-what. They aren't touchy at all. So perceived slights aren't what set them off. The VULNERABILITY of a TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY is what sets them off - IF there are no witnesses.

Narcissists aren't inconsiderate of your feelings. To the contrary, they are extremely considerate of your feelings. Your feelings are exactly what they are trying to affect. They closely observe how you react every time they do something to hurt you. And they are like sharks, able to smell a drop of blood a mile away.

Why? Because your hurt feelings are their pain killing drug. They are addicted to it. Ever since childhood. That's what their mental illness is, an addiction. (In fact, all addictions are classed as mental illness.)

So where do people get the stupid idea that narcissists aren't to blame for what they do? It's asinine to think that narcissists can't control themselves when we see them controlling themselves perfectly whenever witnesses are present. So, what? being behind closed doors makes them suddenly out of control of themselves? Baloney.

Their problem isn't lack of self control; it's lack of conscience. Conscience is what makes people behave the same in the dark as in the light of day. Okay, they have an addiction to trampling people. They are hooked on the childish high they get from throwing somebody down, stepping on the victim's back, and thumping their chest with a Tarzan yell.

But since when does an addiction amount to a carte blanche? An addiction is just a TEMPTATION. It doesn't remove the addict's responsibility to resist that temptation. If a heroin addict sees you with heroin, he will attack and may kill you for it - IF there are no witnesses present. But do we absolve him of his responsibility for the crime just because he's addicted to heroin? Of course not.

Same with the narcissist. Since childhood he has done this mind-altering drug of abusing people and is addicted to it. He addicted himself.

Yet addicted as he is, he demonstrates the ability to control himself by behaving whenever witnesses are present, misbehaving only when he thinks he can get away with it.

He does what he does because nothing but getting his drug matters to him. So he has no conscience. He lives to get it, whenever he can get away with it. So, hurting others isn't something narcissists do by accident. It's how they live.

The victims of narcissists must understand this. They must quit falling for the masks predation conceals itself behind. I don't care how much the poor, little, ole narcissist whines that he didn't mean to, and claims that he has an excuse because HIS feelings were somehow hurt, and weeps about what a miserable childhood he had and how sad and forlorn he'll be if you go away, and all that crap. It's a joke.

Painful as this is to admit, the victims of narcissists MUST understand it. It's the bottom line. It predicates your choices.

Don't take my word for it: test and see. 2 + 2 = 4. Always.

Even on Thursdays.

SOURCE

ORIGINAL POST HERE

While we are NOT diagnosing anyone - many of these predators have sociopathic (or at the least highly malignant narcissistic) qualities to their personalities.

Profile of a Sociopath

A number of mind-controlling cult leaders may exhibit many of the behavioral characteristics of a sociopath--an outstanding ability to charm and seduce followers.

Since they appear apparently normal, they are not easily recognizable as deviant or disturbed. Although only a trained professional can make a diagnosis of whether or not someone is a sociopath, it is important to be able to recognize the personality type in order to avoid further abuse. These traits also apply to a one-on-one cultic relationship. (such as an online relationship)

Glibness/Superficial Charm
Language can be used without effort by them to confuse and convince their audience. Captivating storytellers that exude self-confidence, they can spin a web that intrigues others. Since they are persuasive, they have the capacity to destroy their critics verbally or emotionally.

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." Craves adulation and attendance. Must be the center of attention with their own fantasies as the "spokesman for God," "enlightened," "leader of humankind," "pundit extraordinairre," "righteous person," "religious & observant," etc. Creates an us-versus-them mentality

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis.

Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love
While they talk about "God's love" they are unable to give or receive it. Since they do not believe in the genuineness of their followers' love, they are very harsh in testing it from their devotees and expect them to feel guilt for their failings. Expects unconditional surrender.

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge, yet testing the beliefs of their followers with bizarre rules, punishments and behaviors. Verbal outbursts, bullying attacks and physical punishments are normal. (this includes withdrawal of affection).  Drugs, prostitutes, gambling, etc.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Their skills are used to exploit, abuse and exert power. Since the follower cannot believe their leader would callously hurt them, they rationalize the behavior as necessary for their (or the group's) own "good" and deny the abuse. When devotees become aware of the exploitation it feels like a "spiritual rape" to them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, drug taking, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause.

Does not accept blame themselves, but blame their followers or others outside their group. Blame reinforces passivity and obedience and produces guilt, shame, terror and conformity in the followers.  Will "protect" their partners/ family by lying and coercion and blame all others after using them.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Totalist leaders frequently practice promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. This is usually kept hidden from all but the inner circle. Stringent sexual control of their followers, such as forced breakups and divorces, removal of children from parents, rules for dating, etc.  Anger at anyone who catches them cheating or exposes their exploitative lifestyle.  Inability to stay faithful.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future. Many groups claim as their goal world-domination or other utopian promises. Great contrast between the leader's opulent lifestyle and the followers' impoverishment. Support by gifts and donations from the followers who are pressured to give through fear and guilt. Highly sensitive to their own pain and health.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image and that of the group as needed to avoid prosecution and to increase income and to recruit a range of members. Is able to adapt or relocate as needed to preserve the group. Can resurface later with a new name, a new front group and a new twist on the scam.

Other Related Qualities:

• Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
• Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
• Authoritarian
• Secretive
• Paranoid
• Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
• Conventional appearance
• Goal of enslavement (mental, emotional) of their victim(s)
• Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
• Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
• Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
• Incapable of real human attachment to another
• Unable to feel remorse or guilt
• Extreme narcissism and grandiose

The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare. In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic or sociopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder."

Without Conscience: The disturbing world of the psychopaths among us by Robert D. Hare.