Acceptance @ MindSay

  A few years ago, I began a journey of self discovery being prompted by this thought...'how can the true measure of ones virtue be known unless it's tested against a wall of vileness'?  So far, this is what I've discovered, "I'm not full of virtue or noble qualities", (as I imagined myself to be) and, there are junctures on this 'road' that, when met, stir within a sometimes violent, emotional confrontation, resulting in a submissive willingness to go far beyond the parameters of the person I've wanted people to believe I am.  There's wildness and sweet abandonment in me...and I've fallen and am falling, stumbled and am stumbling, rushed yet am rushing headlong into the internal/external ecstasies of substantive love...which has revealed itself to be the inescapable foundation (and hence, the beginning) of authentic and meaningful relationship. 

I'm just beginning to breach my dimensions.  This character study is proving to be the one upon which all others will hinge...(I think!)

I'm having so much fun with this boy. He treats me so well and appreciates that I treat him well. So...accepting of who I am. Most non-smokers have this...vendetta against smokers and a cynicism for smokers who are trying to quit and struggling to do so, but there's none of it. He loves that I'm trying, applauds the success I'm having, but doesn't begrudge me slip-ups or regression. And he knows the crap I went through and doesn't judge me for it. I just...love the acceptance. I love his whole demeanor. So...in tune with my own. And well...as you can see, he's pretty easy on the eyes, too.

Here's my only hesitation: He lives in Sacramento. I mean, it's Sac, not Spain. But he's been gone for a little over 12 hours, and I already want to go down and see him. It worries me that he's a) already talking about me needing to move to Sac and b) that I'm looking for loopholes and ways to make that work without feeling like I'm jumping into it. Mostly just a matter of finding a way to feel comfortable with the intensity of my feelings.

So Cynthia, Jade, Sue, Danielle and I were having coffee over the weekend while Danielle regaled us with her amazing apology story.  We laughed, we cried, we oohed and aahed.  We reminisced about that awesome dog.  He had been a great dog.  Truly one of a kind.  Danielle had always been an animal lover.  A wide variety of animals have come across her doorway through the years.  Some by invitation, some by stubborn refusal to leave.  Danielle’s mother had found that awesome dog.  Her mom had worked at a Home for Wayward Boys which was located out of town.  This dog was lurking around the facility and the boys were throwing snowballs at him.  He looked thin.  He was a German Sheppard mix.  Danielle got her love of animals from her mother.  Her mother brought him home.  Danielle immediately fell in love.  He was cute.  Albeit dirty.  He was a little quirky; he rode in the car backwards.  Without another thought, that stray dog was brought into their lives and there he would live out his life.  No questions asked.  No fear.  No reservations.  Just openness.  Danielle was still in high school when she got that dog.   Still trusting and open.    

That dog was with Danielle through all her ups and downs in her marriage.  He didn’t make it to meet that baby boy but he lived a wonderfully long life.  After he left this world Danielle was lost.  So she did what many of us do in the face of loss, whatever kind of loss that may be, she replaced him.  She went to the shelter; she found a puppy that looked exactly like that dog.  But a female.  A healthy choice.  She didn’t consciously know she was replacing.   She tried her very best to love the new puppy.  Danielle had her since she was a puppy so she didn’t really have any bad habits.  She didn’t get into trouble.  She was loving.   She was a cute dog.  But she just didn’t have “it” according to Danielle.  It just wasn’t the same.  Well tragically, or maybe not so tragically, this dog didn’t live a long wonderful life.  She ended up having some health issues that required her to be put down.  Sad.  Danielle was sad, but not devastated.   She had a lot going on her own life so she survived this loss. 

It’s been my experience that if you are a dog lover, you’re a dog lover.  You can’t live without a dog.  It just doesn’t feel right.  So Danielle got Alex.  Again from the pound.  This time a totally different dog.  A small dog.  She’d never had a small dog before.  She brought him home.  That dog was a menace.  He was a runner.  There is nothing worse than a dog who is a runner.  He thought it was a game.  Every time Danielle called for him, he may come back.  Or he may not.  It depended on his mood.  Danielle spent much of her time being mad at that dog.  But then again, she was mad a lot anyway.  She had a lot going on in her life.   She was with the creep at that time.   Alex “tragically” got hit by a car.  During one of his “games” when Danielle was calling for him and he was running the other way.  Everyone knew it was bound to happen.  Not a shock.  Danielle survived.  She hadn’t really liked that dog much anyway. 

So after Alex Danielle was ready to wait.  She needed a break.  She was with the wonderful man now.  She had worked on herself and knew better than to jump into anything.  But as I stated, once a dog lover, you can’t live without a dog.  So after a respectful amount of time, that wonderful man and Danielle got a new dog.  A puppy.  A purebred this time.  Not that that matters.  Just a small detail.  Well, this puppy was something else.  He was the easiest puppy to train.  No problems.  Really.  He wasn’t a runner.  He sought Danielle’s approval.   He was at her side 24/7.  He still is.  He’s the apple of Danielle’s eye.  Her constant companion.  She of course loves her kids, but that dog.   He’s special.  He’s the one.  He has “it”. 

So I got to thinking.  Were these stories about dogs, or were these stories about Danielle?  Had Danielle put her internal baggage onto these dogs or were these dogs really “not the one”?  And is there a correlation between choosing our dogs and choosing our “dawgs”.  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.  Danielle took that awesome dog in without any second thoughts.  She didn’t question where he came from.  She didn’t wonder about any bad habits.  She liked him.  She took him in.   Just like she had Mike.  She was young.  Not jaded yet.  She was a mess when she got that puppy.  She had no business having a puppy.  Haven’t we all had that boyfriend who was perfectly nice, perfectly compatible but somehow still not “the one”?  Is it the boyfriend or you?   Well, Alex, she got that dog on a whim.  She hadn’t thought it through.  He came from a shelter.  He was an adult dog.  He had issues.  She chose to ignore or blind herself to them.  And then was surprised that he was a problem.  And I am referring to the dog, not the creep she was with. Though they are interchangeable.     Was it that dog with issues, that dawg with issues, or Danielle with issues?  Or more likely, a combination of the 3.    Isn’t it interesting that when Danielle was in a happy place, happy with the man in her life and happy with her life in general, she found the “one”.   And he’s not a perfect dog.  He gets in trouble on occasion.  After all he is a dog.  But he’s her dawg.  And she loves him.  Both of them.    

Know yourself, know your limitations, don’t put your stuff on someone else, human or otherwise.  Be open.   And perhaps more importantly; have you hugged your dog/dawg today?

All my life I've been the one that people shunned, criticized, abused and rejected.  


This took the shape of racial abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and in a few instances...physical abuse.  
I became involved with somebody at a time when I really didn't love myself.   My ex and his family, as well as his friends, behaved in ways that deeply hurt me.   My psyche had already been scarred by years of cruelty from my stepfather, my aunt, and numerous others.  


I love and adore my fiance dearly.   He loves me...despite the fact that I'm not blonde, blue-eyed, or white.   I grew up believing that that was (and is) the only way to be beautiful.   I still suffer with that on a daily basis.   I do have white skin, but I'm considered "non-white" by racists of all colors.  
Lately, I've decided to relinquish the power that other people have had over my ability to love myself.  


My sense of self-worth should NOT be determined by others anymore.   How I live my life is entirely up to me.   I do care about my mother and my fiance, but not even they have the right to run my life or control me.   I want to be able to smile at the woman in the mirror and be cool with her.  
I pity people who ruin the lives of others by making them feel like shit.   It really is funny how people think it is perfectly OK to tell me to my face that I'm "ugly", "stupid", whatever insult they can come up with.    But if I express my personal feelings or opinions in a kind way, they don't like it.  



I've spent most of my life looking for love and acceptance outside of myself.   It never occurred to me that I really am a wonderful person.   Not perfect, but then who is?    I don't need the approval or acceptance of others anymore because I'm starting to look within.   I've been surrounded by people who filled my life and my mind with hurtful actions and hateful words.   Now is the time to look out for #1.  


It will be difficult convincing myself that I am NOT ugly, worthless, inferior, and bad.   But I know I can do it.   It simply hurts to know that there are people out there just like me who are being made to feel this way.    This world is literally overflowing with pain.  
To any young girl in an abusive relationship of any kind, as I once was...end it.   Remember, abuse isn't always physical.   Sometimes it starts when he tells you that you're stupid.  Makes you feel unworthy and unlovable.   Laughs at your expense.   Never treats you with the respect you deserve.   Defiles your body.   You need to realize that YOU have the power and the ability to make decisions that will benefit your life.   You are beautiful, special, and worthwhile.   Sex should never be a tool to catch or keep love.   If conflict within your home is driving you to seek acceptance outside, then you need to look within yourself.   Hindsight is 20/20.   If  I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have become involved with my ex.   


I still have to live with my stepfather despite being engaged.  He has made a conscious effort to be a better person, but his abusive behavior still haunts me.   I don't understand people who mistreat the children of their spouse.  Looking back, there was no justification for the way I was treated.   I wasn't a perfect kid but I was lovable.   Apparently, most people didn't think so and it showed in the way they treated me.   My stepfather constantly belittled me.   I was lazy, rude, dumb, fat, ugly.   He made sexual comments about parts of my body.  He objectifies all women and back then he would have all this pornographic material in the house.    No one cared about my feelings.   No one listened.   If I ever tried to open up and share how I felt, people dismissed me.  I was called a liar and a whore after being raped at 12.   An older guy, about 19 or 20, forced himself on me in the bathroom of  a hotel in the summer of 1996 while my cousin and her friends were in the next room.   No one tried to stop him.   My cousin told me never to tell.   I've lived a life of secrets, denial, and sadness.   


I've always been the "weird" girl.   No one ever looked at me and saw potential.  School was terrible.   Over the years, I came to identify with people like myself...those who were marginalized, ridiculed, and otherwise on the sidelines.    I eventually did become a compulsive liar out of my need to create a better life for myself.   I was ashamed of having a learning disability.    I was ashamed of being multiracial and being ridiculed for the few "ethnic" features that I had.   I was ashamed of being unemployed, not by choice but by circumstances beyond my control.   I was ashamed of my sexuality.    I was ashamed of my body.   I hated being my mother's only child.   I was lonely.   I hated not having anyone to relate to.   
I lied to my fiance when I first met him about what I did for a living.   I wasn't trying to impress him or anything.   I think I lied because deep down, I was ashamed of myself.   And I never knew that he would ever be with somebody like me anyway.   Well, I think that over time he realized that I had been dishonest about that...but I believe that in some small way, he sees that I am a good person.   There are times when I feel misunderstood by him, but he is a pretty wonderful guy.   He will never be able to relate to my struggles, unfortunately...but that is the only real problem between us.  He never had to hide anything or recover from horrendous damage to his self-worth.   Sometimes when people lie, it is to create the illusion that their lives aren't so bad after all.   They're really lying to themselves and this is what I did.    


I don't want my issues to drive him away or turn him off.    I want to be able to love myself and care for myself.   No matter what anyone says or does, I want to be fine with me.   My sense of self-worth has been eroded for years.   Now I want to reclaim my dignity.   I want to affirm who I am and reject external influences that only stunt my growth as an individual.   I think I'll rebuild myself  starting here and now.   I need to know that even if my relationship with him fails or he decides not to marry me, I'll still be OK.    I want to be comfortable in my own skin.   I want to be able to love my hair despite all the racist comments and hostility.   I want to love myself inside out.