Abuse @ MindSay



 

   
Women REALLY?

Hello World I wish I could have meet you on a better day of terms but today is not that day.

I guess I will start at the beggining because that is a good place to start. This has been a horrible horrible week and it is only Monday. FML. Anyways I will get out with this and say it. I was abused by a stepfather long ago mostly emotional and neglect but also some physical. I have trying to bulid up the courage to tell my mother I have hinted at it but I haven't had the nerve to tell her. When I finally did all she said was " oh Whatever" and that was the end of that. Great my own mother doesn't believe that I was abused to the point where I have never been able to have a close realationship with another male. I am a male btw. and I am not meaning anything more than friends. But my mother believes that I am making this stuff up or else I would have told her earlier. Also trying to talk to my older brother about the subject I get the same responce that I am just making it all up. So feeling 100% alone in my own house with the only 2 people in the world I feel comfromtable with talking about anything. I am just a liar to them now. Anyways I will go in more detail later but that is just the bulid up to the story.

I have been trying to date a woman who I will give the name Eva for now it will change later. I met Eva when her friends have set us up on a blind date. Things have gone very very well for the short time good things last with me. Until today. I was talking to her over the phone and she asked if it was ok if she went with her friends boyfriends friend to the halloween dance just as a purly pultonic dance. I told her that I was ok with this and I tell her to have fun. I can't make said dance because of a night class I have that goes till late that night. And thinking that I am being an awesome guy for not controling her life like a puppet master. That everything she does needs my approval. I am the type of guy that believes that it is all the womans choice. If she wants to leave me for a better guy then I say go ahead and have fun. Because he has to be better if she wants to be with him and leave me. well this is not the reaction I got from her. no I get the whole are you trying to push me away question. and if I am trying to whore her out? and This wasn't even close to my idea. I just think that if she is going to a dance it doens't matter who she goes with she should be able to just have fun. I shouldn't have to hold her hand with every question and explain what to do. And she asked me to go with someone else if she didn't want to go with said person she wouldn't have asked me right? so now I am dealing with a girl who hasn't had anyone try to do nice things for her. so then my confidence comes into question and she asks why I don't have any. I tell her when you get used as much as I have you get used to things falling apart and the girl leaving as soon as your gettting comfromtable. So now I am a bad guy for saying she could go with another guy and that she should have fun while doing it. So I tell her that I guess I can't do anything right this week and I will try to explain myslef tomorrow. I think I am truly going crazy. I don't understand why women want a man who will just control them like that. I care very much for this woman and I wouldn't want to lose her. But becasue I am "pushing her away"I think I will all because I was trying to be nice. To anyone reading this I apoligze for the spelling errors and gramar errors I am quite flustered while writing this. and I have been quiet angry with the world and myslef. I guess I rellay just needed to write this out. Well wish me luck.

 
 
   
 

Mile High Drama Club
Despite the flight getting in early, and my initial hope that I would be back home and able to rest up a lot, I now sit in Denver International Airport waiting for my new flight. Getting in early would have helped getting to my connection back to Chicago, but unfortunately, mechanical problems scrubbed the flight. As soon as I got to that gate, they cancelled the flight and asked everyone to go to the service counter. Which is never a good thing.

Compound that with at least 2 other flights having been cancelled, and the United service counter was hopping. A snippet of what took place:

Ever meet a guy with a really loud, obnoxious voice? He was behind me, exaggerating to his friends how he only moved 10 people in an hour (more like 10 people in 20 minutes) and there was 100 people in front of us (more like 50) and all of this other stuff that he 'swore on the Bible' was true. I edged away from him, waiting for a ceiling light to magically become unhinged and fall on his head.

A younger guy 2-4 people in front of me calls out once he hears that flights to Chicago are getting full or overbooked, 'Is that going to O'Hare?!?' and suddenly he becomes agitated that he won't be able to get home. Well, there's a lot of us in that position right now. I didn't know what his story was, but he felt it was important enough to call out the service desk people.

But the thing that struck me like a thunderbolt from the blue was a slight woman who was talking on her cell phone from outlet to outlet in line. She was charging as she was winding her way through to the service desk. When she finally did turn to face me briefly, I was stunned. Not at her beauty, which was plain, with a gaunt look to her face, but at the red right eye, the heavy bruise alongside her face, down her neck, around her throat, and extending partially to the left side of her face.

I have never personally seen domestic violence before at this level. I've been witness to my parents' threats on occasion, but it never got to this point. She had been beaten. And my heart instantly went out to her, even though that she was about 10 people in front of me. Turns out she was also put on standby to Chicago. And as it turns out, she and I also did not make the standby, but that's where we've been seperated. I don't know where she is, only that I hope wherever she's running to, wherever she is running from, she never returns. She was getting sympathy from those who weren't afraid to approach her bruised, saddened face. I was going to do the same, to see if there was something I might be able to do, but the situation currently isn't allowing me to do so. Any sort of physical violence towards women makes my stomach churn. It is never warranted.

United's cancellations are having a ripple effect; at the next gate where I was trying to get on standby, there was a young businesswoman, trying to get on a flight that was overbooked by 11 people, and then had the standby list from the flight I was trying to get on. There was no way I was getting on that flight. She was visibly upset as she spoke with someone on the phone, trying to explain the situation. I approached to see if she was ok. She said she was, sniffed, then walked away.

Even the flight that I now have a seat on, is delayed from its scheduled departure by about an hour. Looks like I'll be camping out here in DIA, luckily not MIA yet.

[Update 9:30 pm Sunday Oct 4, O'Hare Int'l Airport]

She happened to be on the same flight as I was coming home. So I hung around, because I felt that I had to do or attempt to do something. I didn't know what, but I couldn't sleep if I didn't. After we all got off the plane, I made my introduction, which was easy enough based on our mutual nasty flight experience at DIA. She immediately apologized for her apperarance, which I dismissed as not important enough to not continue to talk to her. As we're walking and talking about finally making it to Chicago, and heading to baggage claim for rides and presumably bags, I ask her if she's ok. She says 'Yes, I'm fine, I was just in a horrible accident'.

Ok, this is ... better? At least it's not what I was thinking. So I was wrong. Whew. The conversation continues, as she asks me about the BreatheRight nasal strip I have on my nose, asking me if I'm ok. I'm just stuffed up. I picked up a sinus infection and chest congestion while I was out in California. Turns out she's a doctor, and Chicago is her home. She was out in Denver visiting her sister and her twin nieces. She says that she was frustrated that she couldn't get home sooner with the obvious bruising and problems that she has with her eye. They put her on a priority waitlist, but ended up on a flight that was 5+ hours from the original. I got put on the same waitlist, so noone was special. =P We start talking about baggage, and how we're both lucky that we didn't check any bags on any previous flights, or even for the original flight, because the bags would somewhere in North America right now. Probably taking a vacation, she jokes. And then we'd have to go get them. Someplace nice, like Jamaica. She smiles. We laugh. Curiosity gets the better of me.

"So... what kind of accident were you in?" I'm thinking automobile, 4-wheeler, something...
"I fell down the stairs."
"Oh! Well at least that's better than what I was originally thinking when I saw you."
"What were you originally thinking?"
*pause* "That you... have been abused."

At this point she looks away as we're walking and she seems to lose a little bit of her composure when she says, "Actually, that's exactly what happened. My husband beat me. I tell people I fell down the stairs so they don't think otherwise."

O__O Holy crap!

"And Chicago is your home? Is there anything I can do to help you? I don't know, anything?"

She's going back to this guy! No! No no nononononono!!


"That's sweet of you, but no, there's nothing you can do. Thank you though."


O___O What??? Rrgh!


At this point we were outside of baggage claim. She was going to get a taxi. I was waiting for my mom to get me. But she was going back!!! And she's telling me that there's nothing I can do.


There is nothing like being so powerless to stop something that you know is wrong. And there's nothing like being told that there is nothing you can do when you know there is something you can do, no matter how insignificant it may be. To just let it walk away. But if she wouldn't let me help, I can't force it, especially on a stranger.


God damn it. It's not right.

 
 
 

   
Unclear on the Concept

Those of you who know my history know that for the past 30 odd (and yes they have been that) years I've been married.  During this 30 years we've been separated and back twice.  2 of the final straws that broke this camel's back were:

 

1. He had a mistress for 10 years (which I paid for unknowingly).  This was a woman I had in my home, a friend whom I couseled, who's son played with my nephews and at one point lived under my own roof for 8 months (and yes he paid rent).  While we had an 'open marriage' I was always portrayed as the slut and the untrustworthy one...while he was the one having the affair. 

 

2. I supported his happy little ass for years.  Yes he is disabled and born that way.  Yes I know it hurts to get up and walk.  Yes I know life isnt fair and doctors don't have all the answers and can't wave that magic wand to make you whole.  This is what I mean when I say we play lfe with the jersey we are issued and it is the experiences we have which defines and shapes our character.  And in Thomas's defence, his parents didn't raise him as 'my crippled baby you don't have to do a thing let me do it for you'. Rather his father said..'I expect more from you because you have to try twice as hard to be normal and I will accept nothing less.'

 

But somewhere between that and his first 2 wives that all changed.  By the time he got to me, he was looking for a safe place, where he could find out who and what he was, and I damned did my best to give him that, and he agrees that I did.

 

The really tough part is during the last 10 years or so he became even more jealous, possesive and verbally and emotionally abusive.  I took a look at my life and made the decsion that I didn't want to live the next 30 years of my life that way, taking care of an invalid who was an  emotional, mental, and physical drain.  If he had met me at the door saying, "how was your day sweetheart? Take off your shoes and here's a glass of wine."  Goddess I would have thot twice.  Instead I got "what the fuck is for dinner and why are you so damned late?  Who were you screwing this time?"

I've been in Texas for almost 5 years now.  Every single day he calls me.  Sometimes up to 22 times with various voice mails...ranging from 'I love you", "I've changed let me show you", "I realize I was an insenitive ass and give me a chance to prove to you I've changed." 

 

If I don't answer those calls they escallate to, "you don't love me any more and never did.", "II'm going to kill myself and it will be all your fault", "I am having a heart episode and in the hospital" (he's had several, open heart surgery and a stint put in), "Who are you fucking now bitch?' and "I',m going to call all of our friends and family and tell them exactly what kind of daughter/niece/piece of shit you really are" (his version of course).  The fact that I am at  work (2 jobs and cannot answer my phone does not compute in his little mind and never has.  I am supposed to drop everything for him even now).

 

My fault I guess that few people really know the hell he put me thru.  I truly tried to leave the man his ego intact and haven't told the half of it.  He refuses to let me go.  He threatened me more than once (and I believe that he will and has every intention) that if I do file for divorce, that he will sue for spousal support (since he is disabled) until his death as part of the divorce decree.  And given all that, due to he amounts of money I used to make, there is a very real possibilty that he will win.  Goddess knows I've systematically liquidated all of my assets so he couldn't claim them and thats one of the major reasons I work at low paying jobs so he can't claim support.

 

So I take his abuse long distance now when feel up to it.  I read his emails, several days later true and answer them when I feel like it much to his disgust.  So new plan of his is that he buys me things and sends them to me.  Trys to buy me with presents.  Things I don't want and don't need.  Expensive gifts, such as a laptop and a printer...they are incompatable with each other.  A deumidifier...which I've never used....I've no room for it.  The things I could use he won't send.  Save your money I tell him, put it on the phone bill.  He signs us both up for a phoneplan without consulting me;..for 2 damn years...I was on month to month.  Over 200 a month...I can't afford that.  So its now my fault that I can't send him money for the phone bill....stupid twit. 

 

I've tried to be nice.  No contact and I'm at work isn't seeping into Thomas' conciousness.  Does he know about "The Man"?  No.  I've not told him for several reasons, the main one being that it is none of his business what I do or whom I am keeping company with.  He lost that privilege when he cheated on me and lied to me about it.  He lost any respect I had when he verbally and emotionally battered me for years.  I refuse to take the ride on the guilt train he keeps trying to get me to board. 5 years and nothing has changed substantially to convince me that he has. 

 

Yes I could probably cut this all short and tell him...fuck off I've found someone else. True or a lie it wouldn't matter.  The short version is...part of me still cares about the man I met and married tho its been many years since he's been that man and he will never be that man again, just as I'm not that woman he met and married.  Blame me for that...ok but I refuse to go backwards.  Part of me would feel guilty if I told him this and he had a heart attack because of it.  Part of me just doesn't want the grief and hassell....it's like almost 5 years...what do you not get about 'I'm not coming home?"  He doesn't love me..he just wants his nurse and cash cow back.  Nothing he could say, do or buy would make that happen....and yes, I let him hold on to the slim hope that one day things might change.  Chalk that up to me being a bad person, I truly don't care.  I find it hard to deprive anyone of hope if I can't give them another hope in its place.  So I take his calls, I accept the presents such as they are, I deal with this shit and I think to myself....am I stupid for putting up with this and putting myself thru this, or is it somehow worse to face the alternitives?

 

Tonight I just don't know...I'm just so fucking tired of it all and life is just too damned short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
   
 

the pain and long term damage of childhood abuse

A cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken


Why do people fight alone

trying but still can't hold their own


Spartans knew their fiends were key

they won their fights, why can't we?


Down she goes she's hurting to bad

nothing I can do and it makes me mad


Standing here my hand is out

“I'm here for you, grab hold” I shout


but she won't take my hand she falls alone

to afraid to have her fight known


but still I see and it tears my heart

that she fears me because I know this part


the part of her thats locked away

never to see the light of day


buried so deep that no one could tell

that it's even there and it's causing her hell


but still I'm here my hand is still out

“take it please, it's safe” I shout


but it's still no use she crawls on her way

unable to walk but refusing to stay


if only she would just give up the fight

let me help and let God shed his light


yes tears would flow and pain would arise

but healing would start, she'll see through the lies


that kept her bound and captive for life

freedom and joy, not sorrow and strife


but it's all up to her, my hand's always out

“trust me, I LOVE YOU” God does shout.


(Ecclesiastes 4:12)

 
 
 

   
A Diety is Only as Good as Those Who Follow Them

Catholic Church shamed by Irish abuse report

By SHAWN POGATCHNIK, Associated Press Writer Shawn Pogatchnik, Associated Press Writer – 8 mins ago

DUBLIN – After a nine-year investigation, a commission published a damning report Wednesday on decades of rapes, humiliation and beatings at Catholic Church-run reform schools for Ireland's castaway children.

 

The 2,600-page report painted the most detailed and damning portrait yet of church-administered abuse in a country grown weary of revelations about child molestation by priests.

The investigation of the tax-supported schools uncovered previously secret Vatican records that demonstrated church knowledge of pedophiles in their ranks all the way back to the 1930s.

Wednesday's five-volume report on the probe — which was resisted by Catholic religious orders — concluded that church officials shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest amid a culture of self-serving secrecy.

 

"A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from," Ireland's Commission to Inquire Into Child Abuse concluded.

Victims of the abuse, who are now in their 50s to 80s, lobbied long and hard for an official investigation. They say that for all its incredible detail, the report doesn't nail down what really matters — the names of their abusers.

 

"I do genuinely believe that it would have been a further step towards our healing if our abusers had been named and shamed," said Christine Buckley, 62, who spent the first 18 years of her life in a Dublin orphanage where children were forced to manufacture rosaries — and were humiliated, beaten and raped whether they achieved their quota or not.

 

The Catholic religious orders that ran more than 50 workhouse-style reform schools from the late 19th century until the mid-1990s offered public words of apology, shame and regret Wednesday. But when questioned, their leaders indicated they would continue to protect the identities of clergy accused of abuse — men and women who were never reported to police, and were instead permitted to change jobs and keep harming children.

 

The Christian Brothers, which ran several boys' institutions deemed to have harbored serial child molesters and sadists on their staff, insisted it had cooperated fully with the probe. The order successfully sued the commission in 2004 to keep the identities of all of its members, dead or alive, unnamed in the report. No real names, whether of victims or perpetrators, appear in the final document.

 

The Christian Brothers' leader in Ireland, Brother Kevin Mullan, said the organization had been right to keep names secret because "perhaps we had doubts about some of the allegations."

"But on the other hand, I'd have to say that at this stage, we have no interest in protecting people who were perpetrators of abuse," Mullan said, vowing to "cooperate fully with any investigation or any civil authority seeking to explore those matters."

 

Buckley, who said she was abused at an orphanage run by the Sisters of Mercy, which ran several refuges for girls where the report documented chronic brutality, said the religious orders for years branded the victims as money-seeking liars — and were incapable of admitting their guilt today.

 

She criticized Mullan for suggesting that "today, having read the report, he doesn't mind if the abusers are named and shamed. Isn't that a little bit late for us?"

 

The report found that molestation and rape were "endemic" in boys' facilities, chiefly run by the Christian Brothers order, and supervisors pursued policies that increased the danger. Girls supervised by orders of nuns, chiefly the Sisters of Mercy, suffered much less sexual abuse but frequent assaults and humiliation designed to make them feel worthless.

 

"In some schools a high level of ritualized beating was routine. ... Girls were struck with implements designed to maximize pain and were struck on all parts of the body," the report said. "Personal and family denigration was widespread."

 

Ireland's myriad religious orders, much like their mother church, have been devastated by 15 years of scandals involving past cover-ups of abusers in their ranks.

 

The Christian Brothers have withdrawn from running several schools that still bear their name and the order has had few recruits in Ireland in the past two decades. Other orders are down to a handful of members, and their bases are closer to nursing homes than active missions.

"Most of these orders will literally die out in Ireland within the next generation or so," said Michael Kelly, editor of the Irish Catholic newspaper in Dublin. "Many of them are already in wind-up mode. They lack the confidence even to seek new vocations (recruits), due to the stigma associated with their members' shocking, scandalous behavior."

 

The Irish government, which in 1999 apologized for its role in permitting decades of abuse and established the commission to nail down the full truth of the matter, has tried to use money to bring closure to the victims.

 

A government-appointed panel has paid 12,000 survivors of the schools, orphanages and other church-run residences an average of $90,000 each — on condition they surrender their right to sue either the church or state. About 2,000 more claims are pending. Irish Catholic leaders cut a controversial deal with the government in 2001 that capped the church's contribution at $175 million — a fraction of the final cost.

 

Some victims emphasized, even as they began thumbing through the report, that nothing — not even criminal convictions of their long-ago tormentors — will ever put right their psychological wounds and make their nightmares go away.

 

Tom Sweeney, who spent five years in two Christian Brothers-run institutions where he was placed for truancy, says he suffered sexual abuse and beatings. He also has bitter memories about more everyday humiliations — such as being forced to wrap his urine-stained sheets around his neck and parade in front of other children when he'd wet his bed.

"It's something you'll never forget, the way you lived in these industrial schools," he said.

 
 
   
 

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