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i was feeling like swill until

I talked my way into a job at a new local business today. I am now their PR and social media manager part time. I do the day shift!!! I cannot believe it. I have a ton of ideas on how to expand the business and maximize revenue. So stoked. I haven’t worked from home for so long. I was feeling all kinds of depressed and rejected. I applied for many things, but they didn’t pan out. I tried to revive my own online business to no avail. This is perfect for me in every way. I love the internet, love social media marketing. I am going to have to start writing down the ideas I have to make this thing great because they are just pouring through my head right now. EXCITEDDDDD.


Lost my job and potentially my boyfriend, considering stripping.
I lost my job. No reason except the end of 3 months. They mentioned in a conversation about the time I tried to have two jobs at once. Seems like a stupid reason to terminate such a good employee, but whatever. It was stressful working there and the job required way too much work for one person, but it was still less stressful than not having a job.

My credit card bill is almost 2000. I just keep spending to... cope, I guess. With my boyfriend acting weird, with losing my job, with being in a new city with not a single friend and the one person who's supposed to support you being ultimately critical....

I'm here til Oct 31. Halloween. Then.... I don't know.

I'm considering working as an entertainer, so I can pay my bills... student loans coming up, to avoid moving back home. I can't even get a job at fucking tim hortons. Overqualified, am I, or what??!

I do not want to go home. Home means failure. And I don't want to live with my mom again.

I also miss my favourite cousin who died several years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about how I'll never see him again...

Oh and my boyfriend and I are on a "break". Is he still called my boyfriend if we're on a break? I don't know. Whatever. "Time to think". Well he should do some thinking, for sure. I wish he'd listen to me. I feel like I can see him from the outside and he can't see himself from the inside... You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This article made a lot of sense to me : 

I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to hear...whatever 2.0

There's always something....


Burn it all away.
You ever get that feeling you just want to burn all the bridges you have and walk away from everything, just live a life of sink or swim? Well I've been feeling really burned myself lately.. I do everything I can for others, and sometimes more, and I get walked over like the things I did for them don't matter. Like the sacrifices I made mean nothing.. And I'm getting that burning feeling again, to just unravel the worlds of those around me and leave them broken and confused.. but I won't, because though my nature used to be one of slash and burn, I've tried keeping myself more understanding and forgiving, though it seem the people in my life don't understand how cutthroat I can be to people I care about. I grow tired of the triviality of the people in my life, not all of them mind you, but many..

Anyway, since Monday, work has gone alright, Savanah later cut me off another way we used to talk, so all I have is Facebook between us now. Tuesday was uneventful, though one of my former coworkers at L-3 started that day, Tony, so it was better having someone I at least recognized, you know, besides my ex Jordan's cousin Robby.

Wednesday I stabbed a screw driver, flat head, into the palm of my hand, roughly fifteen minutes into my shift. It was like watching a horror movie.. I stabbed myself, then said, ah shit, I just stabbed myself, pulled it out and the second I moved my finger, my hand just started pouring blood. It was so much, so quickly, that I actually got light headed and my hands started shaking and I almost passed out. Haha, I've never passed out before either, so I was pretty impressed with that... but seeing as how it was only my third day at work, I was not going to pass out in front of everyone, so I walked to the restroom, calmly, and sat against the counter and then went and drank some soda haha. 

Today was just another day, though around noon my boss at the tattoo shop asked me to remove my possessions from the shop, I hadn't been there for a while because I didn't have any gas to spare to get there. I now have all my tattoo equipment with me, so I might just do tattooing from home for a minute.. I haven't decided.

Aside from that, I just have been incredibly annoyed with things, Savanah isn't talking to me, still. Chelsea isn't talking to me either, and talking to Dustin more than anything, I guess, I don't know. Layna, the ex roommate that owes me a lot of money, my laptop she stole and a massage table. Barrett, whom I used to work with at the tattoo shop before he moved shops, owes me about $50 right now, as well as Emily, also $50. 

People are just bugging me in life, I'm about ready to stop helping people.. I'm beginning to think I'd be much happier traveling on the road on my own than being around these people in my life.. On a side note, the lady with the Datsun I'm hoping to pick up called me, she said make her an offer on the car, but I can't think of an offer.. I also ran into two interesting guys that were wandering from Tennessee and Texas, one told me to be on the look out for some big hippy festival that's going to be coming up in a few months, he said I could probably trade tattoo work for supplies for my backpacking trip.

Anyway, I think I'm done writing today, I'm mostly annoyed with things.. Chelsea and Savanah mostly.. Chelsea and I agreed to complete honesty and trust when we first met, because it was something we lacked in other parts of our lives, but now she's not even talking to me and hasn't given me a reason why... Savanah has broken my heart a few times and yet I always forgave her, and the one time I say something selfish and rude, she cuts me off... Blah. Oh well, tomorrow is Friday.

Later days,


The taste of Adventure.
So today was pretty mediocre... until my parents called to inform me that there were two Roy City officers at their house looking for me, all they said was they wanted to ask me a few questions, though I honestly can't imagine why... My parents informed them I moved, quite some time ago, and currently I'm in Clearfield, but didn't know the address, which is true, they've only been here once. Riverdale has an unpaid ticket, but they're the only ones, and they're different cities, no reason Roy would come bother about that.. Something fishy is going on.

In other news, it's almost Monday, I finally get to start my new job and start saving money to repair the Datsun and get ready for my Adventure! Tonight my roommate Dustin helped me go over what would be beneficial to have in my backpack, as well as optional things and stuff to keep in mind. The more I do these little things to prepare, the more excited I get. Though to be honest, I was fairly depressed the past two days.. All I can think about is this Adventure, and just walking away from everything for a while, but really, I don't have much to walk away from anymore. Chris is really excited for me to do this trip, Ria is worried but supports me, my parents are starting to warm up to it, but don't like the idea of me walking away from a good job. Chelsea and Savanah aren't talking to me, still.. And even though I was leaning more towards Chelsea then Savanah, I really wish Savanah would talk to me, she was important in my life and it's been 2 weeks since we talked.. Oh well, there's just somethings that can't be resolved like this, I'll have to make it up to her and then leave it up to her if she wants to try again.

As far as Chelsea goes, I don't think we'll ever really date again, she gets scared off too easy.. And she went from talking to me all the time, to barely saying a word every few days. Maybe this is just the universe's way of clearing my way of distractions for this trip? Dustin thinks Chelsea should go on this trip, so I might bring it up if we do our Sunday tradition like we normally do.

Ah, these things just make me depressed, and I'm so tired of being depressed.. If I don't get things worked out in my head, Ria and my mom won't want me going on this trip, mostly because of the internal fight I've had with myself since 9th grade. Sure, you can call it genetics, but I do well for awhile if I just keep focused on something and don't let that crushing cold into my chest. And you know what, it's easier to keep that cold away if I'm alone, then I can't feel bad nobody is around, you know? Jeez, anyway, enough rambling, I'm just going to focus on this Adventure, my job, tattooing and my Datsun.. for now.

Later days,


The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 4.
Alright, I feel it's finally time to delve into this adventure...

I plan on backpacking and hitchhiking around the US, because why the hell not? As I said in my earlier post, I'm turning twenty-five in less than a month, and I don't want to grow old and have regrets.. Lately I've been taking stock of my life, my decisions, my problems and issues and strengths. I've also been cataloging skills and supplies I'll need, as I don't plan on returning for at least a year.

I'm planning on taking a DLSR, at the very least the one my grandfather left me, but I'd hope to have a different one by this point, I'm going to take a journal, my cellphone, a handheld camcorder and a backpack filled with the supplies I need to survive. My roommate Dustin may also be going on this trip, but to ensure I can survive on my own, I'm planning according to the expectation that it's just me. I'm hoping to take survival lessons and such before I leave to better equate myself to life on the road and in the wild, hoping to spend 30% in cities and civilization and 70% in the wilderness of the US, so we'll see how it goes.

With luck, I'll be leaving in August, when the lease is up on this house I'm currently at, and I'll be on my way to having one hell of an adventure. I hope to continue writing on here during this journey, and I'm thinking of starting a Youtube channel and a vlog, but we'll see how that goes. I've spoken with a few close friends about the trip, as well as my parents, which surprises me since I didn't really want to tell anyone. My parents would feel better if I took a car, my friend Ria would feel better if I had a clean bill of health, both physically and psychologically, before I went. I had told Savanah, back when she picked me up from Vegas and she begged me not to do it, but since we're not talking, I decided to move forward. Chelsea knows about it somewhat, we haven't really spoken in about two weeks, but she thinks its a pretty exciting idea. Fredy hasn't said anything since I told him yesterday, but that's expected when you have two kids, a wife and a full time job. Needless to say, I'm planning on doing this trip.. if I have to take a car, I'm taking my beat up looking 1983 Datsun 280zx.

In other news, Lindsay, my ex from some time ago I mentioned probably a post or two ago, accepted a friend request I sent her, which surprised me, but pleasantly. We've been talking and catching up, she had another kid, a daughter, it's crazy to think I was her first and we were together so long ago, about 6 years ago when we first met, and I loved her dearly. Talking with her rekindles those old flames, though she is married and I'd not soon forgive myself if I broke up a marriage. She seems very happy though, so it makes me happy, and she had a daughter, seems to have her personality too. She lives in Colorado now, so her place will probably be a stop during the trip.

And as of Monday, one of the pieces of this puzzle called my Adventure will fall into place, the job I'd been waiting to hear back from has given me a starting date. Now I'll have money so I can buy supplies for the trip, as well as pay off whatever I can and buy supplies for tattooing, that way I can develop that skill further as a back up if I need money and I'm wandering. I will be working as an Electromechanical Technician, building and testing various sensors and connections on drilling equipment. It pays a little more than L-3 paid me, and I can't really complain about that, the company seems pretty chill too. 

As the old adage goes, everything happens for a reason.

Later days,


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