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The Impression That I Get
Is that it is AMAZING how much music motivates me to do things!

Not counting my iPod while I beasted through my workout this morning, here is what I've been regaled with today, either on the radio, or on Pandora (Less Than Jake channel; hardly ever go anywhere else :) ).

Radio (in no order):
-- Blondie - One Way or Another
-- Aretha Franklin - Son of a Preacherman
-- Wilco - Box Full of Letters
-- Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?
-- Foo Fighters - Big Me
-- Little Feat - Dixie Chicken
-- Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
-- David Bowie - Suffragette City
-- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals - Stars
-- Bob Marley - Wait in Vain
-- Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls of Fire
-- Regina Spektor - Don't Leave Me (Ne Me Quitte Pas)
-- Indigo Girls - Galileo
-- Radiohead - High & Dry

Pandora (in order):
-- Less Than Jake - Great American Sharpshooter
-- Operation Ivy - Unity
-- Reel Big Fish - Snoop Dog, Baby
--  Streetlight Manifesto - What a Wicked Gang Are We?
-- Me First & the Gimme Gimmes - Sunday Morning Coming Down (cover)
-- MxPx - My Life Story
-- Rancid - Avenues and Alleyways
-- Goldfinger - Just Like Heaven (cover)
-- LTJ - Scott Farcas Takes it on the Chin
-- Rx Bandits - Status
-- Blink182 - Dammit
-- RBF - Somebody Hates Me
-- Streetlight - Everything Went Numb
-- Mighty Mighty Bosstones - (the title of this entry!)
-- Blink-182 - What's My Age Again?
-- Goldfinger - Anxiety
-- RBF - Trendy
-- Big D & the Kids Table - Little Bitch
-- Mustard Plug - What You Say
-- Catch 22 - What Goes Around Comes Around
-- NOFX - Linoleum
-- Streetlight - We Will Fall Together (same as Catch's What Goes Around)
-- SUBLIME - DATERAPE (aka, that song I've been BEGGING the radio to play for a week!!!!)

Baby Weight

This year has been a hell of a year.  I had a baby.  I had the joy and highlight of my life.  My little Hailey has turned me into a completely different person.  My dreams and prayers have all been answered.  Now having a baby, I sacraficed my body, hopefully temporarily.  I stopped doing everything when I got pregnant.  Smoking, drugs, drinking ... I didn't even take as much as a tylenol or drink a cup of coffee the whole time I was pregnant.  What I did do was eat and eat and eat.  lol ... Now, guess what?  I'm way over weight.  I feel like a total recluse.  So many people want to hang out now that I've had my Hailey, but I just can't.  I won't.  I won't be seen like this.  I'm dieting and dieting trying to lose weight.  I keep telling people all these bullshit reasons why I won't hang out, only to avoid that look of, what happened?  You're fat, looks.  The only way I know how to put it is, before I had my Hailey my life was a mess.  I was all over the place doing a million things I would never even think about doing now that I have a kid.  I've always said, it's party time until you have a baby ... and I plan on living up to that.  I don't want to be looked down upon for gaining weight right now.  I'm so happy, and I don't want anyone to ruin it for me by making me be insecure.  My baby doesn't care how fat I am.  I will lose the weight, but it will take time.  I can't help feeling sometimes like I could cheat to lose it.  I could do drugs, be anorexic, take a shitload of diet pills ... but no.  That's not cool.  I don't want to punish myself.  Doing drugs makes time go by way too fast and I want this special time with my baby girl to go by slow.  Besides, I have a moral dilemma with that.  As for starving myself, I couldn't do that if I wanted to.  It is very frustrating though.  I hate being over-weight.  It's a new thing.  I plan on maybe running when it's not hotter than hell outside.  In the mean-time I'm losing my friends due to an insecurity.  Maybe it's about time I ditch all that exists from my previous life anyways.  Maybe I need to see this like, if I feel so insecure about someone seeing me, feeling that they will judge me for not being sexually attractive like I was a year ago then maybe our friendship was based on all of the wrong things.


I stayed at school tonight to continue my epic fun of writing pages and pages about my little babushkas.  Fun = running around between 8 people at 3 different schools just to ensure that each of a kid's goals are being written about (why answer the email I sent?  Make me chase you! MUCH more fun for us both!).

At about 6:30 I said, "F this S in the B" when I realized I was no longer writing in English (and these papers are written in English) and that I was spending more time picking out the next song I was going to listen to 'in the background' than I was adding to one of the Word documents, so I said, "11+ hours is enough, just try again tomorrow/work at home later" (yeah, I guess I talk to myself a lot).

As I make my exit with my gym bag that I didn't take to the gym (l'sigh, heaven forbid I get there 2x in a row), I saw DK, my student my first year, in his lawn's back corner.  I was NOT really in the mood to stop and spend 20 minutes talking with him and whatever friend he has over today (he does that a lot) so I kept going towards my car, mentally building up my 'what is on tomorrow's agenda' plan, when I heard the footsteps pounding behind me; instantly, I knew, meeting him and his friend was inevitable.

IT WAS E.O.. Another of my boys from my first  year as a teacher. THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER.  I mean, they haven't gone to the same school in two years (not even the same DISTRICT)... and they still hang out together.  I was almost crying on my ride home.  SO HAPPY.  SO beautiful.

I've seen 3 of my first year students (and if you can recall, I only HAD FOUR) today.  ZL was not having a good day for the most part, but .... I loved it.  I loved them, despite all the issues we worked through.

Today was a weird day in general; last day in Heath and Colrain, tons of work, Caroline deciding to make practice-round smoothies during my math period time, more attitude from AG (who is lucky corporal punishment is not a thing anymore)...but seeing the two of them together... today goes in the 'good day' column.

Is This What You Really Want?
Ok so I just sent him a message on facebook:

"Is this what you really want?"

I don't know if it was the best idea, but I can't come up with any others. He hasn't been talking to me. But he always does that. He tells me he wants space, and then he goes and assumes *I* am the one ignoring and avoiding him! He accuses ME of not caring! How can he possibly think either of those things? This man is ridiculous. I don't know why I've put up with so much. *I* should have been the one to officially break up with HIM, after the nonsense he's put me through. But I have tried to be understanding, and put together all his mismatched behaviors, and even talked to two counsellors about it, to try to figure out what his behavior meant. And they said, as I had finally put together, that he got too close, that he felt too strongly, and started running away and pushing me away.

He's so angry, and he wont even admit THAT. I've tried to get through to him and it hasn't worked. It seems to be something he has to work out for himself. But he refuses to even think about it. Which means nothing is being worked out, he's just suppressing it. Which again, I guess I can't force him to do. I've tried my best to show him I care, that I'm here for him, I'm on his side. I've been patient and understanding beyond belief. And he is just simply unbelievable.

It took a long time to just decide to send that, because I always get nervous whenever contacting him, because I want to say the right thing, I want to finally say THE thing that breaks down the wall he's put up.

If I get a no, well, he'll probably add to that, or I'll hear from him. If I get a yes, then I will send him a message somewhat perhaps like this, explaining all my frustrations and how I should have gotten angry at HIM instead of being so understanding and trying to keep thinking that the mean things he said were out of anger and set them aside and know that he didn't really mean it. That he's done nothing but hurt me and confuse me and mess me around for a whole year.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. And if I get no response. Well I'll wait a week, maybe two. Because he might want to think about it. Though you'd think he would know, but again, I'm trying to be understanding!

I just want to go back to being happy. We were so happy. We were so excited to finally be together officially. I know he loves me. I know he doesn't want this. It's just what feels more safe. I can understand that.

I talked to a friend who had a similar thing happen, and they said "he's going to regret it". That the person moved on, and then he was finally ready.

I'm willing to wait until he's ready if he'll just tell me to do so! If he would just COMMUNICATE with me. He admitted he has communication problems. If he would always say how he's feeling, and tell me if something is worrying or bothering him.

First he said he didn't know why he was ignoring and avoiding me, that he definitely wanted to be with me, and was sorry for hurting me. Then he went from feeling sorry, to saying he didn't care at all. He said he felt apathetic. He just...shut down, emotionally. And since then I haven't been able to get in. He's just cold and angry, with at times he was being silly and playful in between. It was utterly confusing. And he told me in the same conversation that he didn't care about my feelings, and that I should come by more often.

And then he said he wanted distance. So that's what I've been giving him. Though he said that before, and like I said, I gave him space, and then he thought I was ignoring and avoiding him! And he's probably thinking that again this time, somehow.

 I care so much for him, and it's like he just wont believe me.


Fuck You
Fuck happy people. Fuck you. Fuck all of you and your stupid happiness.

Oh you poor thing, you got your first C+ in 3 years of university. I JUST FAILED A COURSE AND GOT A D- in another. FUCK YOU. Oh, and you also have had a steady loving boyfriend for... 3 years? Who you just got a place with. Yeah I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place with the guy I love, being stressed for an entire year. DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT STRESS. Oh, and you also got the job of your dreams for the summer, relating to what you're studying. And you got a new Ipad. Yea, SO MUCH AWESOMENESS. For you. Fuck you.

And you, just got a new place with your boyfriend of a year, too. And you complain about being too stressed, not having enough time to spend with him. WELL AT LEAST YOU HAVE HIM. you said you almost had a breakdown when he left for the weekend, once. WELL WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HE LEFT? What would you do without him, if you had him, and he started pushing you away? No more loving support. No one to lean on. How would you deal with that, huh? Fuck you.

And to all my other friends who've been with the same person since high school, when I've been dropped twice, with no explanation. FUCK YOU.

Oh, and my two friends who just got married. Fuck you, too.


because clearly, I don't deserve to be happy.

I give up on trying to be happy. I put out all my effort and this is what I get. To watch you all be happy.

ALL I DO IS COPE. That's all my life ever is, is coping. Distracting myself from the terrible PAIN of living. Of trying. I want to live.

And I can't even cope. I've been sick since November and can;t exercise, can't eat without feeling sick. Can't sleep without being woken up multiple times. Can't sing without starting to gag.

Life disgusts me. I have never hated life as much as I do now. And you. you and your happiness! Do you care? No. You don't need to talk to me, because you are happy. You have things to do. You have a significant other to take care of, you have to go be loved and spend time with them!

I hate you! I hate all of you! I hate life. Life is disgusting. If this is life, I don't want any part of it and I'm backing out.


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