4-20 @ MindSay

...You know, I don't know where I was going with that. I'm super horny, but other than that no one I want to have sex with would have sex with me while I'm stoned, I'm on my period, and usually a guy will only have sex with a girl when she's on her period if its his girlfriend, although there are some kinky guys who like it. But yeah, I just wanted to explain that cuz someone from mindsay asked me on AIM once why I can't have sex on my period, and it's not that. there's nothing wrong with having sex while you're on/with someone who's on their period, it's just messy and grosses a lot of guys out. It doesn't help that I saw J walk by outside my window today. He redyed part of his hair and I was going to say something to him about it online when I'd sobered up a bit, but he signed off. Yeah, I haven't done nearly as many stoned updates as drunk ones. Kind of pointless...

One thing about the way pot affects me is it doesn't "make" me say things I normally don't think, but it, "makes" me say things I normally want to say, and it "makes" me mean about things I normally try to be nice about. For example, on Sunday morning when I was still kinda drunk/stoned, I was talking to Stuart on an entry from like the day before or something about the whole drug problem thing, and I thought I pissed him off cuz I was a little meaner about it than I normally am. If I did, I'm sorry (like he'll read this anyway- see? there I go again), but that's an example. Another example is the one time my ex and I smoked pot together. It gave me the courage to finally stand up to him...and then he started hitting me...but if you haven't read about that on here yet, I can tell that story some other time. There's also someone else on here who, uh, well, she's a good kid, she just has some beliefs that I believe to be completely unethical and she probably won't even read this because she's mad at me. I tried my damnedest to not tell her that I don't know how she can live with herself or sleep at night, and just now I basically did, which is why I also don't usually respond to my inbox when I'm stoned. The thing is, I know once I'm sober a part of me will feel good that I was able to get these things off my chest. I've stated that these are all beliefs and opinions, and shit, we've all got them, and I'm not blocking anybody so you all have the right to come and deffend yourselves...though i wasn't really talking about anyone except for myself...but yeah. See damn it, this is why I usally don't come on here when I'm high, lol. stupidness.

from wanabesadated 

 

How many have you done?

1) smoked (cigs)
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) made out with someone of the same sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs
TOTAL: 8

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die
TOTAL: 9

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of icecream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) dyed your hair
27) recieved a ticket
28) been in a wreck
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar
TOTAL: 5

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band names
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent cd
TOTAL: 6

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been too drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: 10

51) snuck into some else's room
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush
TOTAL: 7

61) consider Ludacris your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age
TOTAL: 8

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harrassed
80) been verbally harrassed
TOTAL: 9

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test
TOTAL: 9


91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) wear eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
TOTAL: 9


10-20= goodie goodie
21-30= a little rebelious
31-40= getting hot baby
41-50= rebel
51-60= bad girl/boy
61-70= bitch
71-80= we cant believe u made it this far!!!!!
81-90= damn
91-100= fucking bad ass

You know how I've dealt with a lot of people with a lot of problems? You know how most of them tell me to fuck off? You know how a couple months ago I decided to say fuck it to some people because they're just going to be the next Courtney Love? You know how you've had some people like that in your life before?

 

Doesn't it feel so good in a sick and twisted way to find out that you were right? Cuz let me tell you, that's how I feel now. Stupid anorexic slut, sleeping around and getting drunk. I tried, but oh well. Papa Roach said it best:

 

"I can't help you fix yourself,

But at least I can say I tried,

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life."

 

I know this entry may seem really bitchy, but seriously, if you KNEW the history, you'd be able to understand where I'm coming from. Like most things in my life, it's bitter sweet to see that she's already closer to being the next Courtney Love than I thought she woudl by now, because she's a good person, but fuck her for and fuck everyone else that I broke my back and heart over trying to help just to be told that I'M the one who has a problem, that I'M the one who's immature, that I'M the one who was wrong. Well guess what? You have a drug problem, you're an attention craving whore, you should stand up to your mother and you should be in therapy. And all of you, ALL of you, know I'm fucking right and that's why you told me to piss off. Well I'm sorry for being a good friend and I'm sorry for caring and I'm sorry for letting you hurt me, but it's time for me to live and that's what I'm gonna do. At least I know I'm crazy and at least I am trying to get help. Fuck you.

 

NOTE: ha, now I actually am starting to feel really bad for her. But that's one more reason why I like Papa Roach's song "Scars" so much...I can say I tried, and god damn it I have enough problems that I need help with that drag me down and I've gotta move on with my own life. I am a strong, powerful woman. I know that I am.

So incase any of you have made assumptions, no, I am not high and do not plan on getting high tonight. As I told Stuart earlier, I celebrated yesterday...and maybe tomorrow night, lol. But no, I am not high on 4/20 and never have been. Why? Well, in the past I didn't have the means. Now? If I'm paranoid now, I'm gonna be going fucking crazy when I'm high. Simple common sense- this is Arcata, CA. If you are a pot conosure/expert, that's all you need to know. All the cops and all the LGAs are going to be on their highest alert for specific smells, giggles, cravings, and blood shot eyes. I just know that if I'm seen walking out of that forest covered in mud I'm going to get stopped, and I have nothing but water so as gross as it is, it would deffinately be on my breath. Grifin told me a while back that if I needed him to hook me up with more cookies I could ask, but I've spent some time today cleaning and coloring a sign for the "Million Marijuana March" on May 6th which is being advertised by NORML. I guess that's my way of participating in the "holiday." There's supposed to be some huge thing at Redwood Park tonight, and I guess they have it every year and somehow they're not all arrested. For such a liberal town, the cops are pretty conservative, or at least UPD is. Besides, I am feeling incredibly tired tonight, so after I work on the sign and maybe clean a little more I'll just go to sleep.