2006 @ MindSay 
new year
We'll see if I actually use it.
I had to keep one in a class Spring of 2006, and while it was slightly lame, it was also slightly cool. And since I don't know where THAT one went, I have purchased a new marble notebook that I can decorate to my liking and will hopefully write little tidbits and some good things in. Kind of like here, I guess ??
On an angry, lame sidenote, IN WHAT ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE DOES A COMPOSITION NOTEBOOK (one of those marble ones you used in elementary school) COST $3.59!?!?!?! I don't care if it has '3 subjects' (a whopping 20 pages more than a regular 1 subj. one does)... those things are like 59 cents usually. Argh. Minus 10, CVS. Minus 10.
Good Bye 2006
THIS YEAR:
[PEOPLE]
lost any friends: only people that i didn't want to spend time with anymore... adam, mostly
gained any friends: yup... esp a lot of CC people
[PLACES]
went out of the country: nope... but greece in a few months!
moved: haha, i don't think my parents would be alive if they had made me move this year, too.
new school: again, that was last year. i'm happy to say noooo
how many times on an airplane: twice (less than usual), but shoulda been 3 times (my dad's company plane over SB)
[YOU]
Have you changed? i'd like to think so, yes
New look: um... hair cut the other week?
Most depressed time this year: i'd say those were a rough few spring months when all of that junk went down. i had a wonderful friend to help get me through it, though.
Best time this year: last night! haha.. i'd say marching band season was a whole lot of fun, even though other people (Matt) like to complain about it.
[LOVE]
Did you get heartbroken: i was certainly upset last spring... i was disappointed, confused, and hurt, but i wouldn't go with heart broken because that wasn't really the way it all played out
Who was your summer love: ... ashamed grin... adam... we won't call it love though... i'm not that dumb
[SEASONS]
Favorite Season: winter, duh.
Least favorite season: 3rd quarter of 11th grade. i know that's not a season. but it stunk. and then april before APs was pretty awful, too.
Good birthday?: ask me in 8 days... i turn 18 on the 29th.
Any snow this year: hopefully in 8 days =D... i think it flurried a few times in january but that was a long time ago.
[FINAL QUESTIONS]
Got arrested: nope, never.
Kissed a boyyy: ;-D (that one's a winker with a big smile)
Had a crush: what lame person could answer no to this question is what i am wondering.
Got dumped: bahaha... yeah, over myspace and a text message.. but the same guy. then he wanted to date me again.. i'm hoping matt keeps me around through the end of the year at least =D
Lost a family member: no anyone in my immediate family, but a few distant relatives, yes.
Got bad grades: damn AP English... and US History from last year!! B's suck. but i'm planning on failing civics so i'll keep you updated
Got a myspace: i think that was 05
Kept a secret: of course
Told a secret: um... let me try to remember... not a serious one.
Done something you totally regret: if you know me, you know i don't live to regret (and i liked brittiany's answer)... i've done some stupid stuff, but i don't regret any of it because i like where i am right now.
In 2006 I... (I have to explain most of these... it keeps me from college apps longer)
[x] broke a promise (it was crucial... and i wouldn't be okay today if i hadn't... but i felt bad about it)
[x] made a new best friend (well, grown closer to WS people)
[ ] fallen out of love (i've had many emotional changes, but i believe we don't ever really stop loving anyone)
[x] lied
[x] went behind your parents back (ahem, consider my parents)
[ ] cried over a broken heart (cried over someone, yes... for months =( )
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[(x)] pretended to be happy (i don't hide my emotions that well)
[x] kissed in the rain (well, in a car while it was raining =D)
[ ] slept under the stars (#19... not yet... maybe never, i'm not sure)
[ ] kept your new years resolution (those are so dumb... i can be more resolved than most people who make them)
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[X] met someone who changed my life (well, not met, but got to know better, yes)
[X] met one of your idols (I saw TROY last sunday!!!)
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing (like all of summer when i wasn't at the gym coaching)
[x] pretended to be sick (3rd quarter sucked!!)
[ ] left the country
[x] almost died (taco bell... air soft guns... what can i say?)
[x] given up something important to you (i've nearly given up, but i'm trying to hold onto hope, but recently i've come to decide that i just don't know that i want it anymore)
[x] learned something new about yourself (loooottttsss)
[x] tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it (going to the movies, lol)
[XX] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were (i love them... and i'm still learning)
[x] met great people (all i want for christmas is a perfect 10, lol)
[x] stayed up til sunrise (up not out)
[ ] pigged out over the summer
[x]cried over the silliest thing (it felt that way sometimes)
[ ] was never home on weekends
[ ] got into a car accident (nearly, haha)
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you (but it might be a good thing... i just don't know)
[x] had someone close to me die (Lauren... God bless her)
[ ] had a high cell phone bill (if only adam could stop texting me)
[ ] wasted most of my money on food (that's what would happen if i was to go to Little Richards =D)
[x] had a fist fight (me and my brother do that all the time... and i win)
[x] went to the beach (got a semi-tan, too!)
[x] saw a celebrity (TROY POLAMALU!!)
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time (what!!????)
[x] became closer to a lot of people (that's been great)
It's been a good year! Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays to be politially correct)
well..eventhough i just started this blog up tonight, im just gonna dive right in, cuz thats how i roll
and oh yes..it will be VERY long..
its been a very interesting couple of months...hell its been an interesting year...shall we recap from this time last year? oh yes..this will be an adventure...
we start off with me still being in what i believe was the worst mistake of a relationship that i have ever been in. we dated for a total of 7 months. he cheated on me numerous times. he beat me. he would call me a whore, slut, bitch, etc. thru all of that i stayed with him....all until i met the concrete floor at the bottom of his basement steps, while i was carrying his child. needless to say that ended in me losing the child, but i consider this a good thing, for the simple fact that i want nothing to do with that horrid man and i most certainly dont want to carry his genes or let his gene pool live on. being in that relationship complete crushed me. it was so difficult to get over him, eventhough i dumped him..it was such a mind fuck in every sense of the phrase. i decided that it was time to just get away, so i went down to visit my best friend, christine, who was at the time in schaumburg illinois. i spent almost the entire summer down there, meeting a lot of new, amazing people who have become like family to me. i even met a guy, who i thought was wonderful at the time. i decided to not let my previous relationship get in the way of my feelings for this individual. i threw caution to the wind and became very close with him...that is until one day he called me telling me he was back with his ex..thats right..the girl who had cheated on him 5 times in 1 year... thats when i decided to break the news to him that because he had been an idiot and gotten shitty protection, i was carrying his parasite (aka baby). he then proceeded to call me a whore and a slut, etc. and said that he wanted a paternity test, blah blah blah..that however resolved itself and i havent really talked to him since, but it was still very difficult for me. in that time when i was still preggers and dealing with this guy's shit, i rushed into a relationship with someone i had been friends with for over a year and had met thru a friend. he is a great guy, but he had this ability to "go from zero to hulk in .25 seconds" as samm would say. he would just get angry so quickly, and while i knew that he would never hit me, it frightened me because i started to see my ex in him, but i tried to give him a chance.
nearing the end of the summer i got an upper respiratory infection, a virus, and a sinus infection. my lymph nodes were so swollen that my jaw looked square..and it is nowhere near square..i had like 3 chins, it was horrible. i was finally forced to go to the hospital when i laid down to take a nap and i had to call christine into the room to turn the fan off because the air blowing on me was actually HURTING me. see..this weird thing happens when i get very sick. my immune system is pretty much useless. for instance, if a normal immune system is like the greenbay packers (i dont like them really, but its just a metaphor, so stay with me here ppl), then my immune system is like the british silly ninnies...pointless. it goes all haywire and starts attacking my organs and causes exruciating pain. i was put on really strong antibiotics and vicodin. also, while they were running a cat-scan to see if there was an underlying problem, the doctor found that there is an absess in my left lung. they couldnt say if it was cancerous or not...lets hope its not..i still have to follow up with my dr about that..but anyway. through all of this i realized that i just needed to take some "me" time. so i called it off with my then bf and decided to start focusing on the school year ahead.
i started the school year with hope that i would do just as well as i had done second semester last year and prayed that i wouldnt bomb like i had done my first semester the previous year. things started out well, until my bipolar decided to go into overdrive. i was experiencing major highs and lows multiple times in ONE DAY and this would happen for weeks on end. i wasnt sleeping, i was barely eating. there were some days where i just couldnt drag myself out of bed, and others where i was so wired in the morning i couldnt sit in class for even an hour. i was also having health problems. my roommate was nice enough to give me her cold or virus or whatever it was..and all i can say is..i felt like i was gonna die for a period of about 10 days. then it was holiday season...first was halloween. this halloween was the best halloween i have ever had, it was also the first halloween that i ever carved pumpkins! thats right, im 20 and i just now carved my first pumpkin...explination..i had no childhood..weve gone over this. but the best part was christines halloween party. i had been introduced to her friend adam in late june at summerfest and we had all hung out before when he came down for our bday party, and i had thought that he was attractive, but seeing as i wasnt really looking for a boyfriend, i had put out some signals that i liked him, but i thought it wouldnt be a big deal if he didnt notice (which he didnt...at all). at the halloween party i decided to really let him know that i liked him. by the time he got there i was pretty much wasted. so being the sexy cop i handcuffed myself to him, for the rest of the night. there were of course drunken makeout sessions, but neither of us really took it seriously considering the alcohol intake. the following weekend he came down to illinois for RHPS with christine, tasha, karl, rob, and i. he and i had talked online before then, but that was the moment when we decided to start seeing each other.
i was very pleased with how my "love" life was going, however, my school work was suffering, i was battling illnesses every other week and my mental state was continuing to deteriorate. i have always been the perfectionist. i was determined to do well in school. all i ever wanted to do was make my parents proud of me. i was told many times as i was growing up that i was my parents "last hope" to prove to them that they werent horrible parents, and i just wanted to make them happy, so i continued to push myself, eventhough all i wantd to do was scream and pull all my hair out, then sit in my closet and cry until passing out. i tried to keep myself together, and to the outside world i was fine. i smiled and usually went to class. i would "gush" about the amazing man that i was falling for, but i was still very much afraid of the idea of letting myself get close to someone again. i had been hurt so much in the past, and while i didnt think that he would ever do anything that heinous to me, i just couldnt take my guard down until i trusted him more, and to gain my trust is one of the most difficult things in the world, just for the simple fact that i have been betrayed by almost every single person i have ever trusted.
then the shit hit the fan. i recieved a call at 12:19am on december 27th, i remember the time exactly because it was a call from someone that i dont hear from too often. he had called to tell me that one of my friends had gotten into an altercation with his parents and had shot himself. at that moment my outer shell that i had worked so hard to build up so that no one would worry too much about me melted. everything seemed to just keep piling up. this is the story of my life, when shit goes bad..it goes REALLY bad. adam was sooo supportive the entire time. i know that i asked too much of him, and i know that he wanted to be there for me whenever i needed him, but he was dealing with a lot of his own stuff like getting the end of the year assignments in, graduating, moving, and starting to get ready to find a job. looking back on it now, it was unreasonable of me to ask such things of him, but he was one of the very few people i knew cared.
after it finally set in that david was gone and i started to recover from the shock i started to try to save my grades. i was so stressed out that i just ignored the fact that i was late and chocked it up to being stressed out, because that tends to happen when massive amounts of stress get piled on. however, when i started throwing up, i knew there was a problem. i was trying to figure out how to tell adam when i started having contractions. i figured that it was just going to take care of itself. so i told adam, who reacted much better than i thought he would, but i know that he was just being strong for me (yeah..i do agree with him that he have now pinpointed the reason for his hairloss). the contractions stopped fairly quickly which seemed suspicious since i had had what is referred to a "threatened miscarriage" before. which is basically when the "parasite" (as i like to call it) basically says, "if you dont behave and stop stressin the hell out imma leave..but not yet...right now im just pissed so im going to cause you a lot of pain and make you think im leavin..but ill still be here". a couple days later my nausea started getting worse so i decided to take another pregnancy test. the result was what i basicaly expected but DID NOT want to see. i wanted to see that magical 3 letter word in front of the word "pregnant", but my prayers werent answered. so i got the pleasure of telling adam that the problem hadnt resolved itself and now im more nauseas than ever. it had gotten to the point where i couldnt even keep water down, not fun. eventually the parasite did leave. adam was extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal, eventhough i know he was scared shitless he still held it together just for me...that is real strength, i dont care what anyone else says.
because he has proven himself so many times to me throughout our short relationship, i trust him, and i feel comfortable with him, but most importantly, i feel safe with him. i have never once felt safe with a boyfriend, i felt scared, hurt, and in danger, but never safe. whenever im with him it seems like nothing can hurt me. he is amazing. there is just really no words to describe how i feel about him other than to say that he is amazing. i was afraid for a long time about saying the "L" word (and i dont mean lesbian), because in past relationships as soon as that word was said is when their true selves came out, and i ended up getting hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally. while i didnt think that he would ever hurt me, it was still just a lingering worry in my mind. i told him that i wanted to say it, but was scared. i told him that i would say it after he said it. so on january 13th 2007 he held my head in his hands, looked me straight in the eye, and simply said, "mishal, i love you". it was one of those moments that every girl dreams its going to be like. i was half expecting to hear that mushy gushy music in teh background like they play in the movies..then i realized..i need to say it back. i dug deep down into my heart, i didnt want to say it if i wasnt completely sure that i meant it. it took all of my courage to wisper in a cracked voice, "i love you too". i hugged him sooo tightly and i just started crying. not because i was afraid, because eventhough i was scared i was just so happy to be able to say it, and i was even more happy that he was able to say it to me.
hes the man that i have been searching my whole life for, the man that my mother always told me i deserved. the man that i had dreamed of but never expected to actually find. he is truely my dork in aluminum foil. and while i am scared shitless to move away from everything i have known, i am willing to follow him to the ends of the earth for one reason and one reason only. i love him. and i dont care if my family thinks its a bad idea, and i dont care if my friends think its a bad idea..hell..deep down im not sure its a good idea. all i know is that for the first time in my life, i feel...whole.
i know that was long..but didnt it have a nice ending??
http://markets.smh.com.au/apps/mkt/industrylisting.ac?code=20&next=VBA
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k well ive been really bored and on the computer so i decided to read some of the first blogs i wrote..wow lol.I interpreted things so differently..like even in the summer, just under a year ago ive learned so much. Like in some of my first blogs i was like "Listening to these songs will get you out of depression!!" wow lol...just..wow. I was an idiot for even saying that. But yea..high school has taught me SOO much about everything, and its just my first year..its hard to explain..well i guess the easiest way to describe it is like in the summer and the beginning of this school year I knew what I was going though, but i didn't understand it entirely. The first thing I blogged about was depression..I knew what it was, adn I went through it, but at that stage I didn't relize that just listening to music that can relate to you wont get you out of a depression. It might help, but it won't cure it. I also didn't realize that just by telling someone not to be sad or w/e won't immediatly work like that. When I read those blogs I now understand what I was trying to say; I was trying to just help people through it because I know what it's like, and i hated to see people go through it. But yea like i said back then..yea...I couldn't really say what I wanted to without sounding weird or braggin in the process. I remember in another blog i said i had like 100 friends:| WTF..yea..i was really fucked up in the head then obv. But what i meant was i had like 100 contacts on my msn and back then i actually talked to people on my msn..like everyone, so i considered them friends. I remember me sayinbg back then that i had 22 best friends...i really shouldn't of said that, because honestly..no. I guess i just classified people that i talked to the most my best friends..now i realize that just because you talk to someone alot doenst mean that your their best friend. But like ive said: highschool teaches you alot of stuff, acedemically, and socially.
I guess I find it intuiging how much better I am at communicating my opinions on things and such now..I think the greatest contibuter to that is my poetry, because in the last year and a half (in my opinion) it has improved SO much. At first they were just random words put into columns in 4,5, or 6 lines with no rhyming, and me trying to get metaphors out, but they came out very awkwardly. Lol. Some of my poems that i write these days i think still could improve a bit, but like i said, i belive theyve improved.
Isn't it amazing how someone could change so drastically in one year..mentally, emotionaly, and physically?
-:|Kristal:|
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