(no) Work Sucks @ MindSay 
Well, despite my best intentions (yeah, yeah; the road to hell and all of that), this blog has been anything but a repository for random accounts from my life. I'll make the defense that not much of consequence actually occurs that's worth documenting, but that can really only take me so far as I've definitely had enough to happen over the last few months to make at least an entry or two :-P. But ultimately, it come down to a sense of purpose, or more precisely, the lack thereof. I've never been the type to write a journal for my own devices, and putting something up of the interweb, it's hard to pretend I'm not doing it for other people to see. So while I don't really need or expect (or want) an audience, it does make updating thing seem rather pointless without one. That being said, I've felt a little guilty at various points for not making at least a cursory effort with the thing, and a combination of a few factors (a sudden nostalgic return to some old forum haunts; catching up with an old friend; a fight with my girlfriend) have put me in enough of a reflective mood to make a return, however brief, to this little corner of mine.
So what have I to say? Well, I'm not entirely sure. There's plenty of things I could say. Even a few things I kind of want to say. But thinking something and putting on display for the vast populace of the internet are two different things...and perhaps I'm stalling now. First, while I certainly have enjoyed the freedom obtained by cutting loose my ties to that horrid den of soul-sucking misery that was my job, and while I have no regrets or qualms with having done so, being jobless, for any significant amount of time blows. Especially when you're making an honest attempt to return to the working force, and that attempt fails, repeatedly. I know, I know. Each time I apply, the dice roll anew, and there's just as good a chance of hitting the jackpot as there was with roll number 1, but when you go a few dozen rounds, and still come up with snake eyes, it's hard to shake those dice with the same level of enthusiasm (and I wonder if there's something subconscious about using a gambling reference to relate to being broke O_-). I haven't given up, of course, but I am getting pretty sick of bringing in no income, and I don't think I'll hold out for much longer before trudging back toward the dark world of retail. It won't be longer than a year or two, at any rate, since we'll be moving to Seattle by then, so it helps make the idea of giving up my dignity again to know I'll get it back before too long. But either way, I'm getting damned near desperate to see my girlfriend, and that can't be done without money, so my priorities are pretty much lined out there.
Which brings me to issue number 2. It's been quite the ride returning to the relationship realm after so many years. I want to say it's all clouds and bubbles, and to be sure, there's been plenty of that, but there's been some rough spots, too. Rougher than perhaps I want to admit; either to myself, or her. To be fair, almost everything that has been of any consequence has been pretty much squarely on my side of things, and related to my neurotic tics. For her part, she seems as stable as the earth's orbit, and nothing I've done seems to have had the least bit negative impact on her, or her perception of us. She's fantastic, is what I mean to say, and in some ways that's made things all the harder for me. There's been too many little things, mostly silly and ridiculous, to really document them all here, but the most recent of them was also the most severe, and it was the first time I really, genuinely felt like there was a good chance we weren't cut out for each other. There's been a few times that I've had my doubts, sometimes strongly, and in those moments I've always managed to convince myself it would be for the better if we called it off. But when I stood on the edge looking into that dark eventuality last night, I didn't feel good about it. I felt devastated. Because it didn't seem like it was all in my head this time. Didn't seem like I'd just get over it like usual and go back to realizing how really kick ass things were with her. It seemed, in other words, like the end. And I didn't want it.
Two things came out of that pretty sickly moment of reflection. Two things that weren't entirely compatible, and one of which has since overridden the other. The first, was that I started to really feel like the incompatibilities between us might be too great to be overcome. The other, was that I knew I loved her, really loved her, and whether or not things worked out for us, that wasn't going to change. The good news, super wonderful news, really, is that I finally decided to seek out some perspective from someone other than me or her, and the way they reacted to my concerns pretty much made them all seem more or less inconsequential, in the end. Not trivial, mind you, because they understood entirely why I felt like I did. But they were issues that weren't in any way big enough to deteriorate everything else about the relationship that was so right. So, coming out of this, I kinda feel like I've stepped back from the light, and gotten a new lease on my love life. That's kinda sappy, so my apologies to any innocent bystander who walked unawares into that block of cheese, but the hell with it; this is my blog, and I'll post what I damn well feel like.
Now I've just gotta get myself a job and follow that up with a long sought after plane ticket.
...In entirely unrelated news, I have ascended into the Rock God pantheon. Granted, it's only as a low-level demigod, forced to do embarrasing tasks for the Gods themselves, like scraping puny mortals of their sandals, and cleaning the pegasus stables, but still. GHII on expert: mission-fucking-accomplished.
Rock, rock on.
