Holier Than Thou

It hurts to breathe in
so much that I don’t wanna breathe out
I don’t wanna see that self-loathing look in your eyes
I don’t wanna hear that bitter nonverbal shout
I don’t wanna see you pick at the scab till it bleeds
I don’t want you to let out the unheard sob
I don’t wanna smell the rancid bile and blood
I don’t wanna lose sight of you, lost in the mob
I don’t wanna give in to the blackness I see
I don’t wanna forget the light on your face
I don’t wanna believe that there’s no good in me
but it all seems to vanish without a trace
and I’m terrified the next thing that I say
will just blow all we have away

I’m trying to lay still
but this trembling comes from inside
I can’t bear the thought of you breaking down alone
cutting or purging, they’ll say that’s how you died
and I stare into that great fathomless abyss
and I feel myself leaning over the edge
and all my insanity urges me on
but my body grips vice-like to the slippery ledge
and I wonder if this will consume us all
a nothing that pierces your mind and decays
and I pound and I pound on the walls of your heart
but my human hands cannot cause stone to break
and I’m terrified that the next move that I make
will just shatter everything in it’s wake

and I wake up screaming
in the darkness of my room
when you grab onto my mind
like a dying fetus in the womb
and your supermassive black hole
will never let go of my soul
until every last part of me is consumed