I can't sleep. My body is addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, and Klonopin. My blood pressure right now is 102/62 and my pulse 112. I can't sleep even though I feel tired. I just read that in small doses, Klonopin causes insomnia. Hurry for fucking me! I've intentially gone without sleep for like a couple days, but never because of a fucking medication. If I hadn't gotten any sleep last night, I would've been pushing 48 hours without sleep.
I feel so alone. I have my parents, my boyfriend, and one friend who I hang out with when she's not working her ass off. They all are able to sleep. It gets so god damn lonely waiting for everyone to wake the fuck up. It frustrates me. I want to punch a hole throw a fucking wall.
I want to be off these medications. The damn doctor doesn't fucking understand shit. He may be able to sympathize, but only people who have gone through it can understand. This withdrawal from the Cymbalta, this addiction to Klonopin plus the reoccuring addiction to cigarettes and coffee, is Hell on earth - mentally and physically. I can't control anything which is making me want to cut myself just to be in control of SOMETHING, anything!
I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless, confused, lonely, miserable, depressed, stupid. I need support from the ones who love me, but feel like I'm not getting it in the way that I need to. My boyfriend lives in fucking Canada and I wish so bad that he would just come down here for a week. I would pay for everything even the missed pay, but he won't. He can't stand the idea of being with me only to leave me a week later. I need someone to hold me. I don't need people to tell me that it's alright or that everything will get better. I need silent love. I don't want to talk about how I feel or how miserable life is. I just want to be held. I want to be held by someone other than my parents. But who else is there? Not my boyfriend, not my friend who works constantly, no one. It seems all anyone can fucking do is be the damn broken record in my life and tell me that things will get better, that it's okay.
There is this person who makes videos on Youtube. I find him hilarious, but it's like no one else does. I mean, no one that I know. It's like having something funny to tell someone, but no one to tell. I don't watch this person's videos just because their funny, but because even though the person is just acting, he is able to express and do things that I can't do. He screams, he throws fits, he shows his true self to millions of people and I admire him for that even if it's just an act. I wish I could talk to him. I
I have an obsession with the band My Chemical Romance, but of course nobody I know is as enthralled with them as I am. I mean, they might like their music, but they don't know how side projects or watch videos about them or anything. That, along with the Youtube kid, makes me feel even more alone. More alien and outcast.
Right now if I could do anything I would go to this local, small cemetery. I don't know anyone who is buried there, but it's peaceful and calm. It has lots of trees and old tombstones. But of course, I don't have a driver's license and I know that no one is going to drive me there. But that is where I wish I could be right now. I can just imagine, sitting on one of the raised tombstones, a slight breeze against my skin, just thinking - not a care in the world. Just watching the world around me, asleep and at peace. /sigh
depression
