I simply don't know enough to comment - but I hope you feel OK and to some extent that he's able to move on - i don't even know anything about the guy but, because I don't have cause to be angry with him myself, i still hope he /eventually/ finds happiness again - because if he did change from several shocks like this over time, then he'd nolonger really be the same person inside who you were angry with - and at that point, if I see evidence of change I forgive, because there's no sense keep hating their memory after they've changed - but that is all dependant on whether he does - it won't be overnight and you should be able to see how genuine it really is.

If you are angry, he's still on your mind in a different way I s'pose, but at least you're not blaming yourself, and that's a healthy way to be. BTW he's visited my blog today, logged in, and I'd suspect he wouldn't be surprised if you'd notice that, seen as you visit mine. A couple of the visits to your blog by'google' I can account for myself when I'm only checking quickly + too lazy to log into mindsay, and don't have anything to write - that's not to say he's not lurking, but just that it's not necessarily him - I try to be accurate+honest if something might involve blame.

Actually correct that to most visits by google - i visit your blog everyday but, in addition to the reasons I gave, I also used google to make it seem like I wasn't too obsessed with it, but I never know when you're gonna say something, and whwnever I do make my first comment it's on the same day as the entry - you'll notice until today I hadn't visited while logged in for awhile - but I still knew what was going on.

I do have a slightly deceptive nature and, like in the above comment I try to make people think i'm more honest than I really am by admitting part of the truth. It plays on my concience though and I always come through honest in the end - hence why I'm telling you now - it's not in my own short-term interests to admit this or take any blame, let alone for your ex, so i'm not doing this selfishly...

But then I just lied to you again - part of me hopes to gain an advantage out of the increased trust you'd have if I appeared honest + trustworthy - that's just part of my nature, but y'know there's more to me than that, because otherwise I wouldn't try to be honest about that

I've had a day to think it all over and let the situation sink it and I don't feel as angry. I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with his decision. Although, I think his decision to "delete me from his life" was a bit harsh, I can understand why he would do it. The real reason is pissed me off so much is because I have abandonment issues. In the long run, in the greater spread of things, I do hope he finds happiness. I really do.

Don't worry about using google, it doesn't bother me if you check my Mindsay every 30 minutes or every other day. Just seeing someone read it, makes me feel better, makes me feel like someone is listening. I believe that everyone has a slightly deceptive nature (some are more deceptive than others.) I hope you don't think I'm mad at you or anything, because you "lied to me." I don't really see it as a lie. It's not a big deal and I hope you didn't dwell on it or anything. As always, I cherish your advice and I'm glad that I know you.

You're so sweet - i actually got a gooey feeling when you said that . I don't understand it but I think every so often I turn on myself - as if to purge myself of what I don't like of myself - it's like today I was attacking myself about cracks in my willpower - when I do this, I will totally damn myself as far as I can to get myself to improve - I think maybe a little of that showed, and I was thinking about whether I'm only doing things for myself because over the last few days I've been discussing with Redwoodpecker and Robot2 if people really do anything unselfishly if we only feel our own feelings - and that since the good feeling of helping is our own feeling, then an unselfish act can still be done in the selfish persuit of getting that good feeling of concience.

In short what you saw was the worst I could find of myself, viewed in the harshest way I could, and I figure if you still understand + stick with me after that, then nothing more of me that I can throw at you could dent that. You get über respect for understanding + finding a way through it! I agree he shouldn't have abandoned you, I wonder if he knew how to deal with any other way. I will be always here (providing I don't get hit by a car or anything - i have thought about that scenario about whether/how I could let you know - but I would never go without communication for a long period of time intentionally)
Thinking about it today, I've just realised that because I'm on your network, I don't have to visit your blog to see if you've made an entry/replied - it'll say when I log in - and I log in at some point each day anyway to keep track of it all - if I do just that, the visits will drop to when you just make an entry. I brought up the google thing because I thought perhaps it made you think your ex was lurking more than he might really be- I didn't want to create potential trouble for him over something I did! - my concience keeps me somewhat in check...

Hope to speek soon - m@

Holy crap, here I typed out this long ass reply and accidentally hit back button and lost it all.

 

Anyway, I am so sorry, but you have no idea how hard this is on me. The fact that nothing seems to both you makes it hurt worse, I mean a couple days after telling me you love me I have to see you hitting it off with another guy?

 

I really, truly want you to be happy. I know our relationship was falling apart. I have no regrets. I know this had to happen. That being said it does not make dealing with the end any easier for me. Personally, I thought trying to cut our connection was dealing with the problem head on.

 

I did go to bahamat’s site like a lot, not to lurk, because I wanted to click on your link so see if you where okay because I did delete all my links and everything that has to do with you, but I resisted, and I went again, and resisted, I made it, what? One day before I couldn’t take it anymore and had to click it. I am not lurking here either, I just wanted to see if you where okay.

 

See, yes, you are right, the problem is I, not you. I am the one that is having trouble dealing with the end; I am the one that still loves you, a lot. I am the kind of person that, when I say I love someone, it is because I mean it. It is not joke or a game. I will always love you, forever. If I want to be healthy mentally, myself, I have to move on, I have to let you go, etc. I need to get over you. Maybe then we can be friends again, if at that point you still wanted to. Right now, I just love talking with you too much, way too much and I can’t think of anything else but you. Is this my problem? Yes, is it my fault? I really don’t know, it is just who I am. Deal with it head on? How? If you have any ideas, I will gladly follow them, but I can’t just let it go in a couple days and say, hey, I am fine with the way things have turned out.

 

I just want the hurt to stop.

 

I will add this site to my favorites and leave bahamat alone, sorry dude, really I just didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I just care for her and letting go obviously isn’t an easy thing for me to do.

 

Hermie, if you do not want me here, just say the word and at that point I will delete the link and really, completely leave you alone, I mean if you are still mad at me, if it still doesn’t bother you, I will just use this to stay connected until at such point I feel I can be friends with you without feeling hurt and sad, etc. I can say though, cutting the tie, completely, if I have to do it will be the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. I just want to make sure you are okay, that’s all.

I had a feeling that you would show up again. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at your previous decision. I do understand how you feel, I do understand that it hurts. It doesn't bother me as much because I know that it's life. Maybe it's because I'm younger than you, I don't know. Do whatever you want. Do whatever you think will help you in life, even if that means never speaking to me again. I hope that that isn't the choice you make, but it's your decision and I will respect it.

As a suggestion, I think maybe therapy is in order. I think cutting off contact is not the right way to go. To me, that is not solving the problem, not facing the problem head on. If the problem is that you are uncomfortable still talking to me, then don't you think the solution should be to stop feeling so uncomfortable by talking to me anyway? I don't know. It makes sense in my head. Like I said, do whatever helps you. I'll understand your decision either way. If you do decide not to talk to me anymore, could you at least give me a heads up? I'd appreciate it.

By the way, Bahamat and I are friends, dude. We're not dating, you don't have to pass on the responsibility of "taking care of me" to him. Jeez. I'm not an object.

I never thought I was passing the "responsibility of "taking care of you" to him, I just knew you posted on his blog and that is the link I used to stay connected to you. I know you are not an abject and I don't think I have ever treated you as one.

 

I don't know if you understand, I am not at all uncomfortable talking to you, I am too comfortable, it feels to good and then all that I think of is you. I think when we started to drift apart maybe you had already started moving on, already started to deal with the end of the relationship. I knew it was coming but I didn't prepare myself for it. I just started trying to network with other people again, like yesterday and the day before. I need to meet other people and stuff to distract me from thinking of you all the time. The truth is I am not over thinking of you as someone special in my life, I still wish we could try to make it work. Yeah, this thinking doesn't make sence to me because I was unhappy in our relationship to. But that is the way I am thinking so I need and want to move on first before I can just shoot the shit with you without feeling like crying.

 

I do not think therapy can help, I think I just need some time and I need to make some new friends so my life is not totally engulfed by thoughts and feeling about and for you.

 

I do not wish to stop talking with you, just give me a couple weeks, or at least a week to sort threw my thoughts and feelings.

I just saw this, I know I shouldn't get involved, but I felt terrible to see it and want to redeem some of it, I've already complicated the situation, even if it was going to happen anyway, I am at minimum to blame for causing confusion, and there was no excuse for me overstepping my mark, I accept full responsibility for that, you're well within your rights to come back at me, honestly hold nothing back, getting it out of your system might help, I owe it to you, I will read and deal with, and answer every point you make without defending myself, but I can't change the past

When I joined mindsay I never intended for anything like this to happen - I wanted to help suicidal people, and I found some on mindsay, set up an account, and checked out whoever tagged certain things. Hermie made an entry that tagged suicide because there were things on her mind, not a suicide risk, but still she needed someone to talk to, and having been through it myself I thought I could provide perspectives and ways of coping that helped me, that is how I found her, If you go back to that you'll see what happened.

When I realised you added me to your network, I suspected who you were and why, and I accepted you in case it might help. The reason I removed you quickly after was that I realised you'd split, and I wondered if my blog was a route into Hermie's, so I thought at the time maybe the best thing to do would be to remove. You are welcome to visit my blog if Hermie wishes it, same goes for joining networks, and talking between ourselves on mindsay. I will do all that I can for you, as far as you wish.

I really do not think you have done anything wrong what-so-ever. I don't think you overstepped anything, you are just someone who is traveling though your life like the rest of us. Please do not feel bad. You did what I would do, try and help and give advice with the information you had.

 

I am the one who feels sorry because I did use your blog much as you suspected, I wanted to try and cut the ties about I was very unsure if I was going to be able to handle it, and that is when I thought about the fact she posted on your blog, so I guess I made that my way out. I really wanted to try not to check on her, but I just couldn't help it. I care for her a lot.

 

Again, this is my problem, you and hermie are grown people, and both have free will to do and say anything you want to one another, it is really no longer my business. I am sorry to both of you for interfering in your relationship, be it friends or whatever. I am having trouble letting her go, I really swear to god. just want her to be happy, that is what I want. I also want to be happy myself, as well, and right now, I am not. I miss her, I miss talking to her, everything reminds me of her.

 

I NEED to move on, it is that simple, and I know I can do it, I just need time and to make new friends, seeing as in the time with her, I lost connection with almost everyone I knew, and of course they feel like I abandoned them and people I use to talk with no longer really want to talk with me, and again, I take the blame, I didn't treat them right, and now I have to pay that price as well.

 

I started my own blog on this site, my first blog ever, and I started posting on the fourm here in an attempt to try and just meet some new people, I will try looking else where to. I am like you, you know? I like helping people to, I feel I have a big heart, I just need to take care of myself for a bit.

 

I can't deny that reading your posts and what not, that you are a good person and do have good advice for others. It wouldn't bother me to talk with you, or for you to give me advice, actually, I could really use some right now.

Everyone stop calling me hermie. You both know my name. 

Ok, I just didn't know if you wanted your real name used or not here. If you want to still talk, YIM me so I can add you again, I don't remember what your new YIM name is.

haha i know how to annoy you now
Yep, you're Elyse something, the reason I used hermie was pretty much the same as feeluninspired, but also mebbe it'd make it easier on him too if it seemed I didn't know that much about you. Also we all know what we meen so it didn't seem to matter. In life I only use names if refferring to people, to coverup the fact when I don't know someone's name, but kinda sticked due to force of habit

BTW out of curiousity, what's plural for Elyse? I don't know any others but it occurred to me that it might be interesting. I knew a guy called Lewis once, and we guessed plural for him'd be Lewii!

Thankyou for you understanding It's perfectly understandable how much you'd care given how long you'd been with her, the gravity of what you'd feel is hard to comprehend for me because I've burried my first major heartbreak in the past, about 5 years ago I thought I'd try to start dating, and I got way too connected to a girl called Catherine who was kind to me; I cared to the point where I depended on that connection, and I craved to see her, that was unhealthy. I really regret what happened next, I was unable to hold myself back, and that resulted in 2 months stalking because I didn't know any other way to get accross the message that I liked her, or to check on her welfare - I'd never intend to harm her, but she didn't understand why I was doing it or what to do, it made her a little frightened. The school found out and (rather than suspend me) tried to help me amass the willpower to stay put in the library, and I did - she came to me eventually on occasion, I even made facebook friends again with her bf of the time (who in that case I didn't know about before I got hooked) - you can ask him about that time if you wish - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=733771575
This is one of the things I really regret, I try to make up for it, you wouldn't do it since you have the willpower to hold yourself back, but through it I know what it's like to care too much for my own good, but for me the situation had to get quite dire before I won that fight with myself

Importantly your intentions were good when you did check, you just wanted to see if she was OK, and to put your own mind at ease, nobody was in any way hurt by that - I wouldn't want you or anyone left worrying +not know when it's not necessary. I'm fine with you using my blog that way, but I didn't know if Elyse wanted you to visit hers, that's all, but you've done nothing to hurt her just by checking, and although it's not healthy for yourself to rely on someone to cope (and the clingyness can hold them back), it could've developed into something far, far worse without your restraint, like in my case. Any restraint you do have in the face of craving deserves commendation; I think of it like going cold turkey from an addiction

In my past, I got really depressed because by 18 my cat just died, I was stuck at college on a course I realised was a mistake, and I had never had a gf because I lacked the guts to ask. At the point where I was right on the edge someone told me I could make my life worthwhile and meaningful even if it's sad, and that I could use my understanding and experiences to prevent other people from having to go through that, and at the same time redeem myself in my own eyes for that stalking incident and the attempted suicide of a close school friend, Nicola, that I could've easily prevented when I was 13, if I only knew (although, because I didn't know in that case, I don't blame myself as harshly for that as I do for the stalking).

Anyway - one way I find is to keep busy, you can interupt +break destructive thought chains by cramming so much work+things to do that you don't get time to dwell much, sleep also works if you can get it - sometimes the best thing you can do is just lay down and do nothing - i remember being so distressed at college that I couldn't get on with my work at any decent pace unless I rested first + got into the right frame of mind. Any distraction, like games, TV, etc will take your mind off too, and in my book it doesn't really matter if you never leave the house - I get enough social interaction just going to work for my needs - it's more important to get over this first before you worry over whether you'll become a hermit in the long run. If you do want friends though I can put you in touch with some good people, if you wish, and I will always be here for you if you wish - just say anything in any entry on my blog, even if totally unrelated.

I can see just how genuinely you care too and you're very reasonable + it's a rare ability to be able to keep an eye on yourself - a lot of people can't, you deserve credit for that. As I don't know the innards of your mind I can't really perscribe an idea to just fix it all, but if any issue ever comes up we'll deal with it, point by point, together, i'll do all that I can

Can you two take this discussion else where or talk on Yahoo or something? This whole discussion is irritating me. Thanks.

By the way, there is no plural for someone's name.

Yeah, no problem.

 

Just wondering, if you can message me, I can't see you in YIM because I deleted you as a contact. If you want to talk again, you have to message me. Its up to you.

Cool (I respect that), mine or his blog, either is fine. Dunno his yahoo but i'll give him mine if he wants.
Why does it irritate you? We're trying to deal with it, and I'm only doing what I would've done for you or anyone, and look at the progress too - we're already much more comfortable with each other + I can help him, he seems to need me more at the moment. I'm also just teasin' ya too since you're here . But, as you wish...

I think what hes doing is wrong if you guys were friends before you got together then why can you be friends now....he just needs to get over it and be a real man

I think so too, but I guess everyone is different. 

Then message me on YIM.

Also, the stuff you asked me to send you is in the mail, minus the love letter, of course.

Ok, ok! I've been busy, with no spare time to chat, thats why I haven't gotten around to messaging you. I added you back on YIM. Thanks for the stuff. I hope the mailing process went okay? Did you just ship it regular shipping? Like 7 day shipping?