relationshipsSitting here listening to Manowar and reflecting on the past fortnight. It has been a rough 2 weeks that's for sure... I havn't been the easiest person to talk to I would imagine since I came back from California. I suppose one could almost say I've been unaproachable on certain days. And on reflection I could agree with anyone that would say that.
I have been metaphorically biting my nails the past few days over a rocky patch in my life that turned out to be more... winding then rocky. Relationships and relationships, sometimes they are more trouble then they are worth, the one I am in however I've never considered it trouble at all, though past ones which occasionally I still think about have been hell. Which I think in a way it colors of expectations at times, not to say I go around beleiving everything will come crashing down like the proverbial gates of hell, but more so the fact that I get worried about the future. It is a long hard road before I get to be where I want with the person I want. And the road ahead much like sand dunes in a desert is shrouded in mirages, I think water! and there is nothing but sand if you get my drift.
Work... Now that really has been said proverbial gates of hell, so many times they came crashing down and trying with every effort to keep my demons at bay instead of running amok amongst my mind. And so I don't know if the way I've been treated at work occasionally is a 'lesson' or barrier against myself. Perhaps putting forth the question here will give me the answer, not to say that I expect anyone to reply, because I understand to have friends you have to be friendly which I am sorry to say I am not amongst mindsay community. Perhaps because I've had too many bad experiences with people or perhaps because the times I write entries I don't have much time to continue to search other peoples entries.
In any case!
If you would read up as I spoke of my rough patch in my relationship, it had spilled over the dam walls into work and a look of utter rage creased my features. And things were said by others that in my state of mind I could not... shake off. I had a confrontation several weeks ago over the very things that were brought up, things that I almost resigned over. Yet they were brought up again, admittedly by someone who wasn't aware of the confrontation... In any case, on with the story...
Tommorow is a half day, we start at 9am and work until 12pm because it is the last day before Christmas and freight companies pick up early. Everyone except myself was asked to go down and have drinks after work... Normally I would be asked first. Now I... sort of knew it was happening, and so I asked someone about it and my boss overheard and basically said "Oh yeah drinks tommorow after work"... Am I taking it out of context that perhaps I was purposely not asked?
And so I asked my boss "Any special reason why I wasn't asked?" and he said "Because your not talking to anyone" Which is crap, I told him "I was around the otherside talking for half an hour" and you could see him pause before he ammended his comment "I didn't see you so couldn't tell you"... Interesting no?
So my question is am I over reacting?
Normally I wouldn't get worked up over alcohol... I am however worried about the gossip that will ensue if I do not go and beleive me there will be ALOT of it if anyone brings me up and I'm not there... I however do not want those that know whats going on in my life to spill the beans about my life under the influence of alcohol and so everyone will know...
Should I just bite the bullet and go?
I keep asking myself that question... I think perhaps the answer to both questions is yes. Though I would appreciate anyone elses input. Oh! I forgot to mention it isn't a simple matter of going or not going for myself, where I live I would have to catch a train then a tram to work taking 4 times as long as driving... Would have to do that to and from work... So should I waste the effort? Or should I just put my balls on the line and go.
Onto other things! It is my Fiancee's birthday this Saturday, I had promised her a website for so long and never got around to doing it... I had hoped to finish it for her Birthday but I think I will be pushing it... I sincerely hope I can finish it...
I have been pushing myself so hard since I came back from California that I feel I have finally reached my limit in stress and hit the wall with enough force to shatter everyone bone in my body. I must learn control though control is one thing I do not manage to have. A problem I am sure of it is that I care to much about others when I shouldn't as they care no where near as much for me. I cannot help it, it seems to be a part of me which if I was feeling Astrological minded would say has alot to do with being a Gemini... One part says "Fuck them all!" the other part says "We love you all!" so they work at cross purposes so often.
I resent myself for caring about other people's feelings especially when it is not returned...
Bring down the gates, the demons are breaking loose.
Wyvern
I have been metaphorically biting my nails the past few days over a rocky patch in my life that turned out to be more... winding then rocky. Relationships and relationships, sometimes they are more trouble then they are worth, the one I am in however I've never considered it trouble at all, though past ones which occasionally I still think about have been hell. Which I think in a way it colors of expectations at times, not to say I go around beleiving everything will come crashing down like the proverbial gates of hell, but more so the fact that I get worried about the future. It is a long hard road before I get to be where I want with the person I want. And the road ahead much like sand dunes in a desert is shrouded in mirages, I think water! and there is nothing but sand if you get my drift.
Work... Now that really has been said proverbial gates of hell, so many times they came crashing down and trying with every effort to keep my demons at bay instead of running amok amongst my mind. And so I don't know if the way I've been treated at work occasionally is a 'lesson' or barrier against myself. Perhaps putting forth the question here will give me the answer, not to say that I expect anyone to reply, because I understand to have friends you have to be friendly which I am sorry to say I am not amongst mindsay community. Perhaps because I've had too many bad experiences with people or perhaps because the times I write entries I don't have much time to continue to search other peoples entries.
In any case!
If you would read up as I spoke of my rough patch in my relationship, it had spilled over the dam walls into work and a look of utter rage creased my features. And things were said by others that in my state of mind I could not... shake off. I had a confrontation several weeks ago over the very things that were brought up, things that I almost resigned over. Yet they were brought up again, admittedly by someone who wasn't aware of the confrontation... In any case, on with the story...
Tommorow is a half day, we start at 9am and work until 12pm because it is the last day before Christmas and freight companies pick up early. Everyone except myself was asked to go down and have drinks after work... Normally I would be asked first. Now I... sort of knew it was happening, and so I asked someone about it and my boss overheard and basically said "Oh yeah drinks tommorow after work"... Am I taking it out of context that perhaps I was purposely not asked?
And so I asked my boss "Any special reason why I wasn't asked?" and he said "Because your not talking to anyone" Which is crap, I told him "I was around the otherside talking for half an hour" and you could see him pause before he ammended his comment "I didn't see you so couldn't tell you"... Interesting no?
So my question is am I over reacting?
Normally I wouldn't get worked up over alcohol... I am however worried about the gossip that will ensue if I do not go and beleive me there will be ALOT of it if anyone brings me up and I'm not there... I however do not want those that know whats going on in my life to spill the beans about my life under the influence of alcohol and so everyone will know...
Should I just bite the bullet and go?
I keep asking myself that question... I think perhaps the answer to both questions is yes. Though I would appreciate anyone elses input. Oh! I forgot to mention it isn't a simple matter of going or not going for myself, where I live I would have to catch a train then a tram to work taking 4 times as long as driving... Would have to do that to and from work... So should I waste the effort? Or should I just put my balls on the line and go.
Onto other things! It is my Fiancee's birthday this Saturday, I had promised her a website for so long and never got around to doing it... I had hoped to finish it for her Birthday but I think I will be pushing it... I sincerely hope I can finish it...
I have been pushing myself so hard since I came back from California that I feel I have finally reached my limit in stress and hit the wall with enough force to shatter everyone bone in my body. I must learn control though control is one thing I do not manage to have. A problem I am sure of it is that I care to much about others when I shouldn't as they care no where near as much for me. I cannot help it, it seems to be a part of me which if I was feeling Astrological minded would say has alot to do with being a Gemini... One part says "Fuck them all!" the other part says "We love you all!" so they work at cross purposes so often.
I resent myself for caring about other people's feelings especially when it is not returned...
Bring down the gates, the demons are breaking loose.
Wyvern
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