Considering that I ceased birth control in July of 2003 it is no small thing that I haven't given up hope. I remain positive which is an integral part of who I am. For me this situation has already been outlined in my dreams; I dreamt of my daughter Lizzy years before I met her father and then one day she literally popped into my life. I have dreamt of a young girl with dark curls who I know is my daughter; I have no that this child of my dreams is also my own daughter and that she will appear in my life just as sure as sunshine sits pretty up in the sky!

Once my monthly visit with the Crimson Wave began I phoned WIFEM. No answer as this occurred on a Saturday.

So, just as our doctor instructed on our first visit I went into WIFEM on day three of my menstrual cycle, which was this past Monday. I had blood drawn to begin the 'Clomed Challenge'. My hormonal levels would be tested. On Wednesday (today) I would begin taking two pills a day for five days of the fertility drug Clomed.

But wait- no, not yet. My estrogen level was found to be extremely high- at 'pregnancy levels' (215). Once my blood work results were found Monica phoned from WIFEM and asked me this with what I must mention was a touch of excitement in her voice:

I let Monica know that this month was much like the previous three months- that my flow had been late and that when it arrived it was extremely heavy. I was thinking to myself as Monica pressed me for the chances of my being pregnant (again, if you are not a fan of graphic writing you may want to exit here) that with the amount of flow I'd had since my cycle began on Saturday that there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant. The high estrogen levels might explain my nausea yet my breasts were not tender...

Monica told me that she needed to review my blood work with Dr. G and until I heard from her I should not pick up my prescription for Clomed. It was originally planned that should I not become pregnant in December that my fertility treatments would begin with Clomed pills in January (this month). Monica let me know she'd phone me either later Monday or early Tuesday.

Yesterday when Monica phoned she told me they had performed a pregnancy test on my blood and indeed I was not pregnant (possibly losing one embryo but holding another inside, thus explaining my hormone levels) but that I would not begin Clomed this month. I would not take the 2 pills per day for 5 days...

Rather I would continue as planned. with my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) scheduled for this Friday. This procedure/testing involves injecting dye through my cervix into my uterus and fallopian tubes. This test will find if there are any cysts, polyps or other issues which could be hindering my ability to become pregnant.

In addition we will continue next week with returning to WIFEM next Wednesday (the very day/night we would be in Vegas enjoying a round of Cirque de Soliel shows, gambling and dancing girls) for this cycles post-coital testing and internal sonogram- both of which will show the condition of my husbands sperm within my vagina and if my fallopian tubes present a follicle or follicles indicating ovulation... My blood will be drawn again to test my estrogen levels as well as other hormonal levels. Most likely we will proceed with insemination this month.

I cannot express in words here or anywhere just how good it feels to have all these many distractions. I learn so many things each and every time I enter WIFEM that at times I feel I know so little about my own body, its possibilities and its wonderment. I meet a new woman each time I sit in the waiting room; often only our two voices provide background noise to the otherwise solemn atmosphere. So many women wishing, hoping and waiting for their children...

I seem to spend less time than ever actually working in the traditional sense; I 'flip' a property or two each month after auction (Phila. Sheriff’s Sale) and leave it at that. I have put academics aside, writing aside and most my other endeavors involved with making money aside. I crochet, I play with clay, I paint, I work on my dollhouse, I write letters to friends and family, I work on my Gallery and networking with artists (all proceeds from my Gallery will be put back into the Arts community so I won't make money from this venture- I am not a wicked Republican), I work on plans for my garden's expansion next spring, I travel when I can and I just try to appreciated my place in life right now.

It could be said I've become consumed with becoming pregnant, yet we have been trying for so long- living through two miscarriages and what looks to be my body's non-challenge where our dreams are concerned- that I feel as if since I have the opportunity to slow down a bit that I will. There has been some stress in my life over the past 19 months and I am doing all I can to alleviate anything that could be causing tension I may not actually feel.

My husband and I were disappointed this month as is expected. But he tells me with words what I myself feel inside; that our time will come and when it does we will appreciate this child more so than we might have otherwise. He has become so much more present since this all began. I know that we each have a path in life and I believe that if we walk it- up the hills, over the ruts, through the dark forests and around the obstacle- if we stay true to our own lives that all will fold in and be well no matter what we have to do to make our way...

Like everything good and meaningful thing in life, patience is important as you wait for your most precious moments to arrive...

Hope all are well!