oh dear ................

I feel your sense of sorrow and lonliness and longing.....

I am hugging you....tightly...

 

Thank you; I wanted one to test and see if i could blog again....and it went thru...on my old trusty computer....

if you read the above comment you will see that i had had a bit of a rough one to get him to do something about the brand new one not working...geez

thank you so much for the hug, dear....now about the emails...i can email again if you wish to drop a line, please....and tell me all about it...

That's very personal, Bonnie, yet glad that you were able to share it. I'm sure it must be a huge relief for you, at least you are able to let loose your burden a little. Do you think that he is purposefully leading you to believe that things will be better in the future or that he really is working towards wanting things to be better? I can feel that it's causing you (and your marriage) harm in the form of grief that you have expressed. I wish that he would make a decision already. For, how long can you really sleep on a problem? I'm not sure where, but I remember a biblical passage about "not letting the sun set on your anger" or not going to bed angry or something to that effect. But for so long, how can you stay angry? It is just plain exhausting, I know from experience.

 

I hope the situation improves or the opportunity to move on presents itself. How are your kids doing? How are they with all of that's going on?

The kids are grown but two still live here.  But they have lived with us fighting since they can remember.  The marriage has been rocky to say the least. There were many many issues, but I did not deal with them in a mature manner, and took to accepting attention where I could get it, while still being married, and of course it never worked out because I was still married...so the problems just escalated...

But that is all behind me, and God has washed it all clean, but of course my husband still has issues.  He said something inside of him snapped to where he could no longer be intimate with me....and it has been two years altho I have surrendered everything to God for over a year now.  So we each had problems, we were actually never compatible, but God could have worked it out if we had communication between us and a willingness to truly understand one another's needs and work it out.  He has no longer abused me for a very long time, either, and is much more mellow than he was, but it just looks like we will never get it together.  We are amiable strangers most of the time, and still do not communicate on a deep level, because he just cannot understand when I say things...thinks some things I think are gross sins and so on..and just wants to fix everything and get it over with instead of just listening...

this is an ongoing thing ever since we got married...he got angry too fast, i did not shut up, he hit me, i ran for comfort to others...vicious circle....and seems never will be resolved...but am trying to wait....to give him his due, he stayed when he could have left; he has never cheated on me....just controlling, completely "for your own good" ...also a bit better now...and temperamental.

 

He is a South AFrican with different expectations of how a marriage and a woman should be...so it was just bad..always...this story has been told a million times if you look thru all my comments, so I must just try to go on...because I am not inclined to leave...too much like hard work, altho I sometimes cry myself to sleep from sheer loneliness and despair for what could have been and never will be....

and then stay on here till two, three or four, as i am now....

thanks for your concern...just saw that poem and posted it in my mood...to test and see if it would blog...