For whatever reason- I can't let 'it' go. This must be something I really need to deal with. From what approach, I haven't figured out yet. Naughty me, I've been hiding from people to keep from having to confront repeat issues- and this one found me by going through someone I've only seen TWICE.

In essence, I can't rightly define the fear right now. I know a small part of the primary problem is just wanting to be somewhere, go somewhere in life, do something necessary and valuable, scrapping to get it done- then having some jackass throw a stick in the spokes. I'm always in the habit of putting so much energy, so much focus into things and then someone- someone I hardly think of- nonchalantly negates my endeavors. Is it about coping with bumps in the road? Maybe. I don't know. I usually charge right up to, over and around things. I think part of it is the approach. The shitty underhanded approach. Maybe it's about dealing with those in 'authoritative positions'. I did this personality thing the other day during a break from work and the results read that people in my category typically 'had issues with authority figures'- especially those who abuse their power.

Well, ain't that the biggest fucking understatement of the year.

All I know is that something about this whole situation stokes the deepest area, the core of that deep seated anger that is really not a good idea to fuck with. Part of me thinks it is just grief that never got all the way out. Grief that festered into something very, very nasty.

I keep rolling around with this. Gnats. I call these issues gnats because they keep flying in your face no matter how many times you wave them off. This gnat is not going away. The issue still pisses me off and when something nags at you this much, there's no 'letting it go' or 'blowing it off'. Not for me. When there's a weed in the yard, I don't cut it down and 'hope it goes away'- I dig it out with a backhoe. I want it dealt with and gone.

I don't know where this is all stemming from but when I find out, put your hard hats on. Ethel's coming with the large machinery.