Yesterday, the Gunman had a cute post about a Christian sex toy website. And yeah, it is kind of creepy when you get the 'Ned and Maude Flanders' picture in your head and then try to add a vibrator to the scene. But of course Ned and Maude Flanders aren't the true picture of Christians; that's just an overblown, cartoonish depiction… right? Of course when I think back to some of my friends' Christian parents and then add the concept of sex toys…yeesh. (I think there were a few who could have desperately used 3 or 4- at once.)

But hey, why can’t two married Christians have hot and horny sex? (Like real married Christians- not the nuclear family with the father ala Ted Haggard who tells his wife he’s ‘going bowling’ every Friday and ends up two cities over at the ‘Fudge Palace’ in assless chaps.) Why can’t they have hot, wet, sweaty, heavy, grinding, lip biting coupling? The kind where your back arches and your toes curl. Why shouldn’t they? Why shouldn’t she dress up in the tawdry cheerleader costume? Why shouldn’t he? Why shouldn’t they explore every iota of their carnal desires- aren’t they together? Then what’s left to hide?

But it's not just 'Christians' I guess when I think about it. It’s what perplexes me about the human animal- the allover contradictions. We relentlessly search for 'that one person' to fulfill our lives yet we hide from the person that we’re supposed to be most intimate with. Male or female, we'll hook up with some completely impractical scag to tryst with because it’s easier than bridging that intimacy with the person you've decided you're going to 'spend the rest of your life with'. Married couples get together for stupid reasons and split up over even stupider ones. No matter what the 'reason', all it's ever about is that huge resistance to being completely and fully intimate with each other. Two people can yell and scream at each other for 23 years and think they have a marriage when in truth they don't really know each other at all. That's why I believe marriage is only for certain types of people. The ones with fortitude. Courage.

There ain't many of those left.

I have to giggle at it though. My first start up was a housecleaning business and that's where I discovered what a bunch of dirty, dirty liars Americans are. How we will say one thing without blinking- all while standing on a Rocky Mountain sized range of bullshit. Oh, I had to giggle at the vast majority of prudish Americans who wanted Miley Cyrus hung from her thumbs and given 30 lashes for her 'tawdry' photos. Puh-leaze. It doesn't matter if it's a 2 million dollar home or a 1 bedroom apartment, this is the same America that hides a monumental stash of dildo's and 'Barely Legal' porn under its bed, right along with stiff crotchless panties and fuzzy handcuffs. I should know. I've sucked up the cord of your Gigantico 3000 vibrator into my vacuum plenty of times. I finally learned to look under your bed before vacuuming to move (with a broom) the half dozen or so butt plugs you keep under there. Do you know how much hell those damn things play on a vacuum? They'll bang up the roller bar and snap the belt faster than you can say 'hypocrite'.

Oh, how many times have I dusted high shelves and come across your hidden stash of magazines, books and videos that depict everything from pregnant women to black men to dogs and donkeys. And ladies- some of you rival the men in this area. Or- oh God- dusting across the VCR, accidentally hitting play and getting an eyeful of your 'homemade videos'? And what about that time of walking in on my client's husband and the exchange student? The male exchange student.    Yeah.

You wanna learn a lot about the secret lives- the real lives of people- go clean their houses. While we're panicking over violent video games, there's a lot of you with BDSM and rape porno stashed under the mattress. (Hey- you're the one who wanted me to make your bed. The sheet has to be folded exactly 6 inches down from the top and tucked in all the way around, remember?)

America's obsession/repression with sex/intimacy- I actually think it's very interesting. I do have my ideas about sex and I think sex is a fine thing. I never got obsessed with it the way I was told I should have been or was supposed to be. (I enjoyed it just fine. It just kind of… never made my list of the top ten things to do.) Maybe when I am in the retirement home I can become the resident slut and work on it then. We'll have to see what time affords. I'll be sure and wear my glasses though. Don't wanna hide my bananas under the bed and keep my dildos in the fruit bowl.