i guess it's just one of those days/weeks/mont...

well, i kinda feel like talking to someone, but am not sure who, so i guess i'll confide in you, mac computer in the library, and you, internet people who chance upon my ancient and ignored online journal.

so, lately i've been feeling like life is coming too fast and things are just falling apart.  i know my life is cake compared to others-- i have food, clothing, housing, and i get to go to college without having to take out loans.  but my last semester here, which i thought would be one of the most fun in college, has turned out to be much more than i can take.  yeah, i procrastinate, but really not too much more than i have in the past.  and i've already dropped a few extracurricular activities already.

i work in biological research lab here on campus and i wanted to defend an honors thesis this semester, but my experiments haven't been working at all and i haven't gotten data in two years.  i know i can write an honors thesis without data, but i really don't understand what i'm doing wrong.  they just aren't working out and i've been getting more down each time an experiment doesn't work, which has happened countless times.  over two years.  plus, i defend in about a month, and really haven't been able to start writing it.  i have no idea when i'll be able to start because i just have so much going on.

let's move on to my med school applications, which are going nowhere (and yes, i'm pre-med, and am completely aware of all the associated stereotypes).  my application essay is a disaster.  i have no idea what i'm writing and how to write it.  i have a draft, it's absolutely terrible and need to start over completely.  also, i am nowhere near getting all my materials in for the committee letter.

i applied for teach for america and got an interview, which was awesome, but my dad is completely incapable of understanding why i want to do tfa.  fyi, my dad is a doctor and is all up in my business about med school (side note: he did not push med school on me-- this was my choice; i honestly don't think it matters what i go into, my dad would probably still be too over-protective and all busy-body about my life-- if you know any traditional asian families, you know should what i'm talking about).  my dad didn't even want me to take time off after college, he wanted me to go straight to med school, but i insisted on taking a year off.  i don't think he understands that i want to live my life, not just work all the time, but for my dad, work = his life, and i think he wants the same thing for me.

those are the main worries.  there are other things, but i won't go into them.

anyways, all these problems have been here since the beginning of the semester, and for a while i thought i was dealing with them alright.  i had a couple freak-outs, but i was actually getting some things done for a while.  and then it all came crashing down yesterday.

i am competitive.  let's start with that.  but i try to keep it internal b/c i know it's annoying when someone is just always competing with everyone.  even i get annoyed by people like that.  anyways, i found out last night that a guy i don't particularly like (because he's freaking arrogant, wordy, and repetitive) got a higher score than me on the mcat.  there's not a whole lot of people i'll admit i'm better than, but i'm pretty sure i'm better than him.  when i saw the score, which he surreptitiously snuck into an e-mail forwarded to me, i couldn't think.  i fell apart.  i was in the lab at the time and had just found out that yet another one of my experiments had failed so was definitely not ready to see that e-mail.  i honestly felt sick.  i got so angry and my somewhat dislike for him turned into pure hatred.  for about an hour, i did absolutely nothing.  i went to one of my favorite places on campus and just sat there, stewing in my own anger, hating him and hating myself for not doing better.  hate is a strong word, but that's what i felt at the time.  intense, undiluted anger, which turned into sadness and hopelessness.  nothing else i was doing made any more sense.  i felt like i couldn't handle anything anymore.  i went home, watched a movie, and fell asleep (even though i needed to study for a test i have on friday (tomorrow).

i woke up this morning and for the first time in my four years here, i felt like giving up.  i felt like doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day and for the rest of my life.  i felt broken.

somehow i got myself out of bed, on the bus, and into my first class, but that feeling is still there.  a heavy sadness, threatening to show itself, even here, in the library, in front of all these people.

i don't actually know how i'll feel when i see that guy (because i have to see him tonight at a meeting), but i haven't been able to re-open that e-mail since.

i just feel like i could just completely fall apart at any minute.  i haven't been able to concentrate on anything and i still have that freaking test tomorrow, which i haven't read for.  and it's a stupid in-class essay, which i am horrible at.

well, thanks for reading, if you finished.  and if you have something bad to say, have compassion and please don't say it.  i guess i should get back to studying now.