Dear avid readers,

       Tonight didn't suck quite as bad as expected. And ski-lift-operating was fine due to the stupidly warm weather. 50 degrees at night in January? What the fuck, Batman. Anyways, moving on. I didn't really feel like working, but it's not terrible. At least the job is of course relatively simple. I do have school work to do before the semester ends, though. I wish I could describe in words how excruciatingly difficult it is for me to movitvate and discipline myself to do this work when my motivation and discipline levels are at an all time low. Wait, I'd even go far enough to say they're non-existant. Yeah, that sounds about right. Someone stab me in the face, I'd find it much more enjoyable than this bullshit I have to shove myself through in order to get by and pass this semester. Who knows the shit storm fest my parental units will bring upon my unworthy head should I fail a class. Ugh. End of semester. I'm looking forward to and dreading it at the same time. I think it'll make my brain melt.

I want to try and hurry this thought-dump by typing fast since I want to get to bed before 12:00 this time, which probably won't happen. I've been so tired. What, with the having to force myself to get up and go to school thing. Who would've guessed? Anyway. The day was beautiful. Everything about it was perfect except that I'm a living breathing entity trapped in prison, I mean, school, and I had reoccuring thoughts of Kaycie. I can submerge most of my agonizing feelings I have towards that--which I've been able to do sufficiently--but alot of them have unloaded and slapped me in the face. However, it has come to light that I am not alone in the world in my feelings and emotions, and that someone else exists! Yay! I'm very excited about meeting and talking to someone new. You really have no idea. And if you think that's sarcastic, get out. (See: Fuck your carrots  of the pervious entry)

I've also recently uploaded pictures on my myspace (guh) page of me, my Venom sweatshirt, my new keyboard which I'm typing on right now, and a picture of myspace itself!--In all it's shitty glory. Regardless, the url is simple: http://www.myspace.com/valihel  A /valihel  extension? Who would've guessed! Gasp. But I like my hair, having dyed it a new shade of auburn-red-color from my natural dark dark dark brown hair a week or so before christmas. I am very pleased with the result, even if everyone else could care less about the change. Change... It's really needed. It's still needed. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers to make everything fix and change and all that jazz, but it's not. Damnit.

I'm also aquiring new composition notebooks ( <3 ) and pens to do more writting that I want to do. Whether that's journals, or stories, or whatever. I don't.. really care. At all. I'm done with this trying to make sense of things crap. I'm throwing things out and bringing things in. Sure, I sound very angry and aggressive when I get in a "Fuck everyone!" mood, but at the same time, I really feel it's needed. I dwell so much on what people think of me that I forget myself. That I lose myself. That I never even had that grasp on myself. It's about time I do some digging and try to find what that "me" thing actually is. Though, I have a hunch it's insane. I think we have a winner. Sigh. All this soul searching and pulling myself back together junk. Sometimes I really want to give up and fade away. Where's that voice to tell me to pick myself up and stand tall? Oh right, it jumped ship and is now telling me to give up. Great. Usually in a situation like this, I'd say "Someone save me". But again, I know no one is going to jump into a hellpit of insanity to rescue me from myself. I'll do things my own way. Even if I have to cut myself into tiny pieces in order to rebuild myself. Or give up everything in the process. I'm not really sure. Does anyone have an answer? Who knows.

That's all for now. I need to sleep. Maybe this time I'll stay sleeping. That would be, wonderful.

Sincerely,

         Nikolas