I keep trying to. I've tried to fill my voids with games, movies, books, ceramics, "love", and various other things. Maybe there's some obscure thing that I'm missing that will complete me? It's highly possible. After all, I am only 18 and there's much of the world I haven't seen. But sometimes I don't really know if that's enough to keep me wound up and going. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be satisfied. I'd feel as empty as I do now and searching for meaning in nothingness. That's enough to make me want to toss the results to the wind. Then again, maybe there is that thing I'm missing, that I just need to find.

I will not abandon you, I am here for you. I will not give up on you, please give me a chance.

 

Just survive and I'll consider you a success whatever else has happened in your life. I care about how people feel now, the past is only an issue to me if it's affecting you now. You are not weak for feeling these things, you deserve credit for withstanding what you have.

 

So you need a reason to live - my reason is to use my experience to ease what others have to go through. People shouldn't have to go through that - perhaps you can help others deal with their issues too so they don't have to face the abhorrations you did, that they may learn without having to suffer, then maybe your life will have meaning, y'know, because life means something in terms of the feelings of everyone you affect.

 

If a college course is a cause/strain, remember that it's not worth your sanity. If women are getting to you, remember that no woman is worth dying over. If your councellors cannot give you any permanent answers, maybe there aren't any, or maybe you have to find them within yourself (the one person who you can always trust). Maybe I can help, please remember that I am here. I'm not dead so I'm no guardian angel, but that doesn't change my intention. I am here for you.

 

I think part of the hell is that it's not easy to blame it on circumstance. Same was with me, I was a college student in a comfortable environment, but I was right on the edge of suicide and nobody took me seriously or understood because I wasn't poor, or bereaved, or with a child, so they didn't understand. I can't tell you what it is, but I can say that although these things can seem to last a long time, there are ways out - otherwise I probably wouldn't be here. There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope so long as you're alive. I cannot promise that there will be hope if you die, and what would that achieve anyway? You'd just be in exactly the same depression but you'd have created a void in your family that could never be filled.

 

Also when you feel like this, it's not really your priority concern of what outward appearence you give. Fuck everyone else, you're the one in most need, and as far as I'm concerned they as good as have blood on their hands if they don't grant you an understanding, however I don't want you to fulfil that guilt, because you can be recovered, and they can be changed, it just takes time.

 

Remember you're not alone, I can promise you that I will do all that I can. Please email me whenever you need. Promise me that. mca24@sussex.ac.uk

Matthew

I'm trying to generate reasons for living. The other day I sat for hours debating within myself the pros and cons of leaving the world. I didn't even come to an answer, I just passed out I was so exhausted within myself. So I just put it on pause for now? I guess. I like helping at the elementary school, and seeing the kids happy and full of life is inspiring. Of course, once I leave I sink back into a pit of miserableness.

 

I wish my classes were college courses. Instead I'm stuck in my last year of highschool. Which doesn't sound so bad. Except I'm bordering the mental state of craving to be on my own in conjunction with wanting to have my actions guided for me. I want to be free, but at the same time, I'm scared of that freedom. Girls. Hah. Yeah, they can cause some issues. I've thought for the longest time that I really wanted someone to care and love me and blah blah blah. And it'd make everything all better. It doesn't. And I'm only just realizing now that a relationship isn't the fuel to keep life going. It probably can be. And part of me still craves the desire to be with someone who cares, to hold their hand, to be in their arms. But it never really works out that way. Every feeling I seem to possess ends up getting trod upon like it was nothing. Maybe that's really what they are. I'm sick of not being able to talk to counsellors and having to pay them money, or rather, my parents having to pay them money so I can "get better". One of these days I'll probably flat out refuse to even go there. Maybe once I move out. Sigh. Only a couple more months.

 

Though, I seem to be growing more accustomed to the not giving a fuck about what people have to think of my outward appearance. Maybe it's because I'm getting angrier, but I'm not entirely sure. Blah.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing - an option in virtually every decision. Nobody gets hurt if you do nothing, you get time too, and perhaps an oppertunity to relax. I remember sometimes the only thing I did was lay on my bed when I came home, I was not able to concentrate on anything in that state, nor would it have been productive to. - it's almost like your body/mind saying it needs time. Remember that your family ties are always a reason to live.

 

One concept to play with is how much of the environment you take home with you - it sounds as if you enjoy being with the children, but once you leave it's removed - perhaps it's possible to continue thinking about the things you enjoy afterwards and think about what you could do next time?

Of course, some environments you won't want to take home and keep in your mind, like work+study - and to get those out my head I watch films and play computer games. Escapism (in any form) is ideal to break the cycle - it takes your mind off it, it's usually devoid of feelings, it gives you scenarios to think about, and it's enjoyable. It's better to be someone who spends all day in their room enjoying themselves than someone who goes out just because they feel they have to but really hate it - gotta do your own thing for the right reasons, and I wish everyone else would grant people that right.

 

The kids are only full of life because they don't really know much better - they haven't hit the same wall we have because nobody's going to put that kinda pressure and injustice on them while they're in the 'kid' category, but it will happen.

 

I want to be free from education too, but I don't see what there is to be scared of - if make your own mistakes, you'll learn from them much faster than someone else forcing you to live another way so as to avoid making their mistake before you even get to appreciate what that is (i.e. I havn't been able to make the mistake of leaving school early, so I havn't done a boring job for long enough to appreciate why I'm studying in the first place)

 

In some ways it's better not to be dependant on unreliable things such as a love life - because if you did get one it'd be great, but as soon as it ended you'd have lost what was keeping you going, and it could be very painful if circumstance meant you couldn't get what you craved. Love is like an addictive drug, and for me it's painful, but I suppose there are other forms of love (i.e. you 'love' your parents in a different way, you care about freinds, etc).

 

Anyone who willingly treads on your feelings is an @$$#0!£, blame them. Anyone who unintentionally treads on your feelings needs to learn of the effect of their actions, let them know. If you tread on your own feelings, you're probably too hard on yourself, and so inclined because people have made you that way - but I suppose it's a credit to you to be able to look at yourself critically, because not everyone can.

 

I would not trust paid councellors just as I wouldn't trust a paid psychic, they want an easy, well paid job, and are likely to sell you any bullshit to pass the time and get their pay, they would also side with your parents, even if their views are madder, because they're the ones paying and with the power to withdraw custom. Unfortunately a mad society views the more sane people who rebel against it as mad and sends them to biassed psychiatrists for 'conditioning'.

I have far more respect for a charitable organisation like the Samaritans, but even they probably contain some people with fixed views of good+bad, and a regimented mind unable to understand ideas they've never dealt with. You should be able to spot them given time, but (as in my case), it took me to have my trust betrayed by a self-worshiping bigot before I was able to spot that. Gullible women make this mistake too - they fall for charmers, and get emotionally crushed by them - but unfortunately they can be manipulated to blame all men for this, even our type more than the type that hurt them - which is completely backwards.

 

But you're not mad just because society views you as being so, in fact more likely the opposite - they aren't able to understand you because you're outside of anything within their experience, they may be unknowingly jelous, so they try to brainwash you into thinking you're somehow inferior just because of their own shortcomings.

 

One thing I was thinking of recently was that although feelings are the only thing that's really capable of having/giving meaning to things, that feelings only has meening in terms of feelings -  and on some levels if you said that feelings have no meaning themselves, then it doesn't need to matter what you feel - you'll still exist, the earth will still revolve around the sun, etc, and to be honest you may still exist in the same depression even if you did die, it might not change that. It may just be a storm that you have no choice but to weather, and at least you don't have to be proactive (it's not like excersize or school where you have to go and do something, it's more like rehab or dieting where you only have to not do something - and in those cases doing nothing is great).

 

I say this because it gives you an extra mental 'eject button' - you can still engage with, and enjoy the good feelings, but with what I said, maybe it's possible to ignore the bad ones at will, at least to some degree.

Oh, and I prefer you being angry to depressed, for your sakes, you're blaming the others who cause it instead of yourself. Anger also gives people energy, but be aware, it is also addictive, and the antidote is having to withstand being ticked off + offended a lot.

I know you don't know me, but I was touched by your ability to write about your life.  As Matthew said, as long as you are alive, there is hope.  and whild I don't have answers for you, mindsay is a great place to expresss yourself and find support. 

 

I added you to my network so I can keep up with how your doing.  I will pray that you find meaning in your life and that it brings peace to your soul. 

I like writting here. In fact, more so than any other site I've ever been to. Maybe it's because I can customize it, and that's why I love it so. Either way, I'll dump my thoughts out regardless, and you're more welcome to read and indulge in my insanity.

 

But, to find that meaning and peace in my soul, I actually need to find that "soul" thingy. It seems to be eluding me.

Trust me, I'm not a religious nut, but I do believe in prayer, and I"ll simply pray that you find whats eluding you. 

 

a tiny piece of advice (its free, so you know what you can do with it if you want)  is to stay away from self help books and find a cause or a charity that you believe in and start volunteering.  It may help you to find that which is eluding you, or it may simply give you something to do to fill your time.

 

 

Yeah, I've pretty much thrown the "self help" books to the winds. But volunteering sounds good, but there isn't much around here to help with.

Hmmm, nursing homes, day cares, shoveling snow, yard work, go door to door volunteering to a handy man for a few hours for them,  I don't know what your talents are, but there are millions of ways to get involved in community projects.

I hope you know that your expressions can be meaningful to others. I hope you keep writing here.

Margaux

That is reassuring to say the least. Mostly when I look upon what I write, I'm just reminded of how I feel/felt, but also terrible about how pathetic my whining sounds. Well, to me it isn't so much whining, instead it's more of a draining my head of corrupting thoughts. At least someone else gets some value from it, though.

I think I can share some of that feeling. I am never pleased with my writing. I seem to do it just as a way to drain myself of energy, so that my capacity to think about it all is diminished.

 

I agree completely. Sometimes I wish draining my thoughts out did more for me, though. But I guess that can't be helped.

Too true, but keep writing. Hopefully in time it will help you find what you need.

This is quite a strong entry. I am sad you feel like this. I hope things get better, for the both of us actually...