I keep giving myself too much to do again,
thinking "I can do it in time!" only to find out I can't.
I'm starting to sink under again,
I'm beginning to feel like I'm not as great under pressure as I thought I was?
Or maybe there is just more pressure this time?
I wish I didn't feel so alone in all of this,
I know I'm not I've got family and friends to pull me through.
But right now It's just not feeling as close like it used too?
Some how I've been managing to blame this on my becoming more adult like?
Which is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard myself spin.

There are some things that are dragging me down that I just don't want to talk about,
They are just too close to what makes me what I am for me to feel comfortable to just say.
Sometimes I think if I just spill all my secrets and come unraveled,
I won't feel like this anymore.
Which makes me feel extremely highschool-ish and dramatic...which is also bullshit.

I've been setting myself up for dissapointment again.
Call it a character flaw?
I didn't realize it till Mindy was in the hospital and thought she was miscarrying...
I thought...if she had lost that baby I had been crushed...
I knew there was a big chance she could miscarry the baby...
But some how I didn't let that bother me and just kept on about it?
Then I realized that this kid was somthing to hope for?
That's why I was putting so much stock into this,
I feel like I don't have much to hope for right now for some reason.

I have to step back from everything again...
Before I make stupid decisions?
I looked back at the entry where I said I was getting a new tattoo...
I still am...but it's going to have to wait...it isn't a priority right now.
Priority is things I NEED:
books for my classes,
a camera for my photography class,
a new set of graphite pencils for my drawing class because my old ones are just about ready to go to the big paper bin in the sky, 
a new cell becasue I run my life with it and my current one is being a p.o.s. and making me stressed*twitch*,
a vehicle that likes to run,
a laptop and I'm willing to forgo the fancy graphics laptops for the time being...get a cheap one that will run the net and a word program and preferably won't crash and lose all my shit.

I need to accomplish all this preferably before the 21st of August...
with 2 paychecks before then each being a little over $600 and emptying out my bank account...
lets just say...unless I can con my mum into being generous...I am seriously royaly fucked

well as I end this extremely happy post I would just like to say thanks for reading this...and if you skipped to the end cause your lazy...well...fuck off...lol j/k thanks for taking a second anyway... I hope you all understand why I'm not around so much right now...and hopefully I'll be around more soon.

 
   

 


 
 
infernodragon on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
Everyone has to go through painful times and stressful times.  You seem to have learned something along this one though.  Maybe a new insight to yourself or how to priortize, the main thing is that you are growing and learning.  I hope that in the end it works out for you, i am sure it will.  Wish i could help you.  May good tidings rain upon your doorstep.
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
I haven't learned anything...though it seems to me I have enhanced the things I've learned...but still I don't know why everything seems to just keep falling down. Thank you for your assurance, it's nice to know people don't just wave off things I say when I actually mean them.
infernodragon on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
There is strength in you I see it.  We are never given more than we can handle.  You will surpass this and more.
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
One can only hope

infernodragon on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
hope can be a double edged sword, and a problem if one lies solely on it.  Action should be taken, make changes yourself, things that you want to do, directions you want to go.
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
all directions I wish to go require what I'm sorely lacking...monetary funds lol
infernodragon on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
I understand the lacking of monetary fundage, i suffer the same myself, that and i have people that owe me like a sum of 1200 dollars.  Well i am here if you ever need advice, dont know about the money though lol

 

underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
I make it my policy to never lend anyone take over $50 from the first national bank of Michelle lol
infernodragon on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
lol that is mostly my rule but sometimes i make exceptions and get burned.  I know i will get at least 1k back but dont know about the other shit.
drunkenglishman on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
I wish I had some profound and useful advice, however, the only real thing i can come up with is to offer the following:

No matter how bad things seem in your own life, no matter how hard that uphill struggle seems, there is always someone in the World who is having a worse time.

I'm not religious and I'm not going to spout anything like that, but suffice to say, you have your health, you have your freedom, you have your world. Life is what you make it.

I'm in a similar sort of position to you right now. I am trying to get my business off the ground and I need a new Laptop, I need money and I need to a million and one things. I need a server to host my websites, I need a new phone line, I need an office where I can work and I need privacy. I keep telling myself  - 'all in good time' - but the time is right now....

You seem like a strong person, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I just had an idea... I'm not the sort of person that likes credit and borrowing money, but if it fits the situation - you need a laptop, why not go to Dell's website and see if you can get a new laptop on credit? Tell me to shut up if you like!
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
lol I'm not allway into the profuounf and useful advice, what comes straight forward and honest is usually what I care for.

I know that I'm not the only one who has a hard time...I am currently happy I'm not getting the shit bombed out of my country.

I'm not really religious either...I have no set denomination (woo hope I spelt that right) but I do have a all encompasing sense of spirituality and grace.

I hope to have my own nightclub some day, but right now it's college for me. Freewebs.com is a good server cheap too I think it's like $10 to $20 for your own domain name and if you don't know html it's no problem they have a easy site builder type thing. That's the one I use for all my sites.

I hope I'm as strong as everyone thinks I am

I have a slight phobia of putting anything large that requires payments on credit lol I'll worry myself to death going "omg...did I miss a payment? tell me I didn't miss a payment!? did I? omg" lol entertaining for the innocent bystanders...but nerve wracking for me lol
drunkenglishman on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
We share something in common! I too am working toeards creating my own nightclub. I have all the ides and everything locked away and a mind's eye picture of how I want it to be.

Thanks for the advice on Freewebs. I actually create my own sites with Dreamweaver MX and the guy (an old friend) was hosting my websites for free. The only thing was, that he was passing all my emails to my ex-business partner. Not a nice thing to do, but hey, I have to pay for hosting now and I'm subsequently losing business from it.

I'm interested in seeing some of your sites though, you've intregued me!

I know what you mean about credit, I hate it. Sometimes it's necassary evil, but where possible, I avoid it.

Honesty is always the best policy and if people don't like to hear the truth, they shouldn't ask! Hense the reason for my post about belly buttons. It took a lot for me to actually post it, bt hey, I am who I am and people still love me for the person I am so everything is good!
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
lol crazy I have notebooks full of ideas and blue prints and designs and whatever else my weird brain cooks up?

you can use html on the Freewebs site? I haven't worked much with Dreamweaver yet...I'm still a student lol.

I'm hoping to get all my stuff done soon for my own personal site...I'm having issues with the lay out of (I'm picky and hate using templates but html would take me decades)

what a jerk thing to do...sending your e-mails off to some one else...

lol I'd prefer to live with out it if it was possible, but today it isn't so easy lol

drunkenglishman on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
Hehe, it's a crazy world we live in, but fun! I have such a weird idea about how I want my club to be like, but I think the concept is pretty cool and so weird because I don't actually believe in it - Heaven and Hell!!

I know a bit of html, but I can't write a whole script, that's just too involved. Someone once said to me that dreamweaver is like giving a kid crayons, it is so easy - The fact is that that is what it's for! I like the point and click programs and they are pretty easy to pick up.

I'm so anal about my websites, I'll let you know the url so you can see how anal I am! I have to have evertything perfect before I even upload it. I have an idea about how it's going to look and that idea just goes off on a tangent, but I like the way my sites look now, simple, clean and classy - that's my opinion anyway!
underground1986 on
Re: Why do I keep doing this to myself!?
I want to have a kind of Nightclub where people have to dress up on certain nights of the week and stuff to get in like a masquarade...it's going to be great

 
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