I don't know where to start.  I'm 33 and I feel like I just want to explode or fall off the face of the Earth.  I wonder sometimes does anyone else in this world feel the way that I do????

My story in life could read like a book.  My biological father whom I love committed suicide when I was 5 years old.  He was an alcoholic but he was very loving and kind and you will never meet anyone who would say an unkind word about him.  He was depressed because my mother left him for another man.  My mother remarried when I was 7 to a monster.

He abused me and my brother.  When I say abused I mean abused, I've had a gun held to my head, I had to dig my own grave with a post hole digger and was told when I got through with it he was going to bury me in it.  My mother never protected me or my brother and she never left him.  My entire family knew about the abuse not in detail but was aware and not one f-ing person did anything.  My mother also began to abuse me as well.

Well I got pregnant my senior year as I was premiscuous now knowing that I was looking for someone to love me.  I didn't want to marry the guy as he was abusive as well after the fact of me getting pregnant.  My parents knew this but my stepdad made it clear child or no child the day I turned 18 I was out the door even if that meant living on the streets.  This was not because we were poor by no means we were very well off and I believe to this day the reason we endured all the abuse was so my mom could live a fabulous well to do life at our expense.  So anyway I married the guy, my daughter was born premature and had to stay in the hospital for 6 months.  During the time I was staying in the hospital with her my then husband was sleeping with the neighbor and no telling who else.  When we came home the abuse continued I would call the cops on him but lets face it this was the 90s they didn't do a damn thing.  I couldn't leave him, he controlled the money and everything so I felt trapped.  Yes I could have gone to a womens shelter with a sick infant.  I finally got a good job with the usps as a temp employee and we had moved to another parish.  I waited for him to hit again hoping this time I could have him arrested which would give me time to leave with my daughter as possession is 9/10 of the law.  And yes he did and sure enough he went to jail.  I left him and never looked back.  I hated him.

I was seperated from him for about 6 months when I lost my job because I had a no fault accident in a government vehicle and as a temp I had no rights and they had to let me go.  I was devestated.  Now I couldn't pay my bills.  A friend of mine who I thought was a friend at the time was an exotic dancer, she was aware of my situation and told me how much money I could make in a short time doing what she did.  So I became an exotic dancer or stripper whatever you like to call it.  But what I didn't know being humilated in that way is a very hard thing to do sober and not only that we had to make 8 drinks a night which was a requirement there that was one of the ways the club made their money.  So I became an alcoholic so much so that it got to the point where I wouldn't leave my home.

Being an alcoholic well to me that looks like from watching shows I would have compared myself to a crack addict or heroin addict that is how much of a hold it had on me.  I suffered from anxiety attacks from the age of 13 and being an alcoholic stripper just made them worse.  I drank to stop the anxiety attacks and I had anxiety attacks because I drank what a vicious cycle.  During the time I was on my rampage I was arrested twice for DWIs, lost custody of my daughter and pretty much lost everything I owned.  Because I was scared to drink and drive I just stayed at home and drank.  Then I guess through the grace of God one day I just thought to myself if I continue like this I won't live another week and it probably was true so I sought help.

During my stripping time my stepfather passed away from cancer I felt like he got what was coming to him, I felt that was his punishment for all the things he had done to me and my brother.  Yet now I was angry, he was gone and I would never get to say to him all the things I wanted to say to him as an adult and he couldn't beat me for it.

So I turned to my mother who emenced to tell me "F" you and get over it.  I don't think to this day that I've ever gotten over it.  It comes out in me in all kinds of ways ie: depression, self destructing behaviour.  Yes I have gone to 3 different counselors but I feel like it didn't help me at all it just made me feel worse every single time.

I have since remarried I have been with my current husband for 12 years.  I can't say I am happily married or maybe I'm just an unhappy person.  I have charged up credit cards twice in those years.  I don't know why I did it I just did it.  We are not poor people by no means but I feel like I am not allowed the luxuries my husband gets to enjoy.  It is o.k. for him but not for me.  Everything is o.k. for him but not for me.  He says he loves me more than anything but actions speak louder than words.  His job is his entire life.  That is all he talks about.  He is rarely home though he says it is for us its really just for him.  I don't enjoy sitting at home alone all the time and he barely talks and when he does it is only about work.  When he is home he doesn't spend time with me.  He owns a business and it is up to him whether I work or not.  When he thinks it appropriate for me to work he will let me know atleast that is how he acts.  Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I don't think he really loves me at all.  I think I am a convenience to him.  I've raised his two boys whom everytime they have disrespected me it turns into a fight for us because he doesn't support me.  I do everything around here and what do I get in return CRAP.

My husband divorced me when I charged up credit cards, I guess he wanted to teach me a lesson.  Through all his faults I never divorced him.  He ejaculated on my face about a week after he found out the credit cards and in some sick way at the time I felt like I deserved it.  When my husband was divorcing me he never told me I was blindsided by it.  The whole time he acted the same while I was unaware of the fact that he put tape recorders on the phone and recorded every single conversation I had, he wore a wire and recorded every single conversation we had, he hid voice recorders everywhere, he installed video cameras in the windows all in an attempt to catch me saying or doing anything wrong.  He also had gone to my daughters family and told them that I was mistreating my daughter all in an attempt to get them to believe him and press charges against me to ensure custody of our son.  When I found out he was divorcing me he divulged all this information and said he had me on tape about the credit cards and about my depression and that I use to be a stripper and an alcoholic and that NO JUDGE would give me custody of my son.  He bullied me, I was overwhelmed with grief and shock and I believed him.  So I signed away everything we own a house and vehicles and all kinds of things and I signed away everything for $12,000 so I wouldn't have to go in front of the judge and tell him about my stripping days, being an alcoholic, that I suffer from depression and yes I take antideppressants and that I had charged up credit cards and so farth and so on. 

This is the kicker, though he was divorcing me he did not want me to leave, he said he loved me and he was just doing this to have me no longer related to him by marriage so I could never do the credit card thing again.  I sat at home during the 60 days waiting for this divorce extremely hurt.  I begged him not to divorce me though he did anyway.  I took my money and moved out the day after the divorce.  I didn't stay gone because he had my son and my family blamed me.  This was all my fault it didn't matter about anything he had ever done to me because I had charged up credit cards and hid it I was a liar and because I was a liar to them anything I said had to be a lie.  Nothing could be true about what he has done to me.  Throwing my child abuse up in my face, hitting me, not being supportive of me, controlling and everything none of this matters.

So I came back home for a few years he didn't want to remarry me he said it was just a piece of paper and a piece of paper doesn't mean anything.

He did remarry me though.  I am still not happy maybe he is right maybe I'm just an unhappy person and would be unhappy no matter what.  He still doesn't talk very much to me, still doesn't spend time with me all he cares about is work though he is doing all this for us.  My stepsons are now grown and still live at home.  The youngest disrespects me alot, he smokes weed which I don't approve of but what am I going to say?   My husband smokes weed and he smokes it with them.  He even smokes it in the car with my 6 year old.  I have no say so in my own home.  I have no control over what goes own under my own roof.  When I try to talk to him about anything and press the issue he gets extremely angry and knows how to bully me with his words, throwing up what I've done and I just shut down.  My kids see this, they know this so gee I wonder why they don't respect me.......

I don't trust him.  I guess he doesn't trust me and rightfully so.  Every time I hear a click on the phone I wonder if I'm being recorded.  Anytime I'm unhappy about something I wonder if he is scheming behind my back.  I know I sound paranoid but don't I have a right to be??

I just feel like nothing will ever be resolved in my life and sometimes I just feel like running away other times I wish that when I was drinking that I just never woke up.