I made this blog, to vent my feelings out about my anxiety disorder and depression. An order from the therapist; to start writing down my thoughts about how I feel. I'm supposed to find the feelings lost inside me. I cannot decide what to write about.

I'm having a day from hell. I didn't go to class...again. and haven't eaten today.

I need an intervention.

The lights have seemed to gone out all around me in my world. I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died. My dreams seem to have ran through my fingers like sand, and my friends aren't the same. The ones who I've talked to, don't talk much to me anymore. And the ones, I haven't mentioned my feelings to, are still around, but it kills me inside to be lying to them everyday.

 

Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

 

My mother thinks everything is getting better. I go to church again, I'm seeing a therapist weekly and taking new anti-depressant pills. I'm on the brink of relapsing back into an eating disorder. I just don't feel anymore. I just need to be a little be wiser, stronger, less needy, prettier, thinner, happier, smarter, or whatever...then maybe I could get to where everyone else seems to be in this life. It just seems to never go away.

 

I used to love to write. I have no interest in it anymore. I rarely go to class in college, I graduated highschool with a 3.8 and never missed a day. What's wrong with me? There just always seems to be something. I'm trying to keep my cool. But it's hard to feel alive, happy, and "normal" when these damn pills just make everything feeling less. They just knumb everything; including my happiness. They don't do me any good.

I just don't know who to turn to when i need to talk.

 

What ever happened to the girl I was? the woman I wanted to be? Trying to end it, would be pointless, and selfish, that's just unreasonable. Giving in, seems so easy now, but...it's not logical. There are so many beautiful things in the world to quit. It's too god damn beautiful to quit.

I dreamt too much; set my expectations too high.

What do you do when it all falls apart?

I'm picking my self up, but I have no idea where to start.

 

maybe i'm [just like this,]

   em j.

 

 
   

 


 
 
asmyheartfails on
Re: a bittersweet start, here on cloud 9...
 If your friends found out everything and walked away, they were never real friends to begin with. And you will find people who stay, in fact, Ill be your frieend and no matter what is hurting you or whats going on, I wont just up n leave.

Life is supposed to be this hard. You are given trials but you are only given what you can handle, no matter how helpless you may feel, you truly are strong enough.

As you write the words in here, you are starting.

sandyquill on
Re: a bittersweet start, here on cloud 9...
When you get to the bottom, you have to look up.

My advice for practically everyone I've ever talked to who was depressed and tired of being that way comes from personal experience:  You have to pretend, for an hour at a time, that you're not depressed and act like it and try to FEEL it. Which is the key, really.   You may pretend for others, but not for yourself.  I used to pretend for others, but it wasn't until I pretended to let the deep purple morass  lose its grip on me that I felt it actually go away.

You write that you go to church again. That's good.  Look up.  I assure you that God doesn't want you to feel like this forever.  He wants you to rely on him for all that is in you.  So look up. Reach up. Let him pull you out.

As much as folks rail against their depression, it can get kind  of comfy after a while, being that way.  We blame all sorts of things and reasons and ourselves... But in the end, we have to look up, take a step and keep taking them.

What do you do when it all falls apart? You have two choices:  1) pick up each little piece and put it together again, allowing for cracks but seeing the new possibilities and 2) seek something else entirely.
travelinlite on
Re: a bittersweet start, here on cloud 9...
Those two choices gave me some ideas....thank you both for your kind advice. =]
isadora on
Re: a bittersweet start, here on cloud 9...
I really enjoyed reading your blog. why? because i also "suffer" from Anxiety, from that it is quite interesting for me to read other people blogs that are feeling similar to what i am. I know how hard it can feel at some stages, i know how anxiety comes in big waves, but you have to try to get through them, talk to your mother, or even better tell all this to your therapist. I know that i am not a therapist or something, but i know exactly what you feel like. I go through that to, but i get panic attacks. It's good though, to express your feelings through blogging, if that is what you like. I think though, that you should take some time, and just do things that you enjoy.
i hope things get better.
best wishes, katinka. x

 
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