When it comes to blogging, the most difficult thing for me has always been finding the correct place to start. The right subject. What I consider to be important right now may be something that I'll look back on and shake my head at later, and with that in mind it is a struggle to put my thoughts into words. I find that I rarely keep anything that I write, because when I look back on it I don't see myself in it anymore. Whether it is due to ruthless self criticism or a lack of meaningful things to say, I am never able to see why it was that I was so concerned, or stressed, or elated, or what have you about whatever it was that I was writing about.

Ignoring my internal dialogue is one of the things that I am trying to do more often, because when I over think anything, even if it is something that I am ecstatic about, it ceases to be anything more than something which causes me mental suffering. I used to pride myself on my critical thinking skills, but lately I only make myself feel bad about things.

I was talking with my girlfriend the other night about how people are really not so different from each other. That no matter who you are, you still have something in common with everyone else because you're still human. When it comes down to it, we all process and cope with things in a very similar way, though our problems may be very different. One of my talents, for lack of a better word, has been my ability to talk people down, because I am able to see their problems from the outside. I felt unique in my ability to be able to sum up a problem in two sentences and offer a simple solution to it. I am just now finding that the only person I am not able to do this with is myself, and over the course of realizing that, I became a very unhappy person for a while. Then she told me what was going on in my head, and now I feel better. I would always watch how people get so caught up in their problems that they can't see how easy it is to deal with them, thinking that I was above it. I got really mad when I found out that I wasn't. But, she said, we're all human.

I've been finding myself thinking a lot about God lately. One of the things that I admire most in people, and perhaps even envy, is their ability to have complete faith in something beyond this world. I adhere to no religious group or belief, but I find myself yearning to. There has been nothing in my own experience to lead me to believe that there is any explanation for things besides random chance and freak occurrence, but there is much comfort to be had in the idea that there is something there, something beyond this place that gives it meaning and purpose. I guess that that is what it all boils down to for me. I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have it.

This is the part where things become difficult for me to explain, because I can't rationalize it. I say that I want to believe in God, but I don't look for him. I say that I think believing in God would fill a void in myself, but I reject the idea of relying upon anything beyond myself for my spiritual crises. If there is a God, who is worthy to ask for his help? Not I, certainly, so while I want to find him, I am not expecting him to show himself. I don't know. It's irrational. When some of the people who are close to me relate to me the stories of their spiritual experiences, I have no doubt that what they are saying is true. No doubt at all. Sure, it happens, but it won't happen to me. It's like these people have taken a trip to a place that I will never see. Sometimes that is easy to live with, and sometimes it isn't. Again, I don't know. I was speaking to my girlfriend about this as well, and she said that the fact that I am thinking about it at all is, to her belief, God pointing himself out to some extent. I was greatly encouraged by that, but still doubtful. Thinking about that made me so eager to believe in signs that I felt by looking I would see them when they weren't there. The fact that when I lifted my head up, my eyes drifted immediately to the bible stacked with the other books on my desk, for instance. Coincidence?

My current problem is that there are so many different places that God could be, I am hesitant to look, because I'll invest myself in the wrong one. A friend said that the worst thing one could do is stay in the same place, because one knows that there isn't anything there. Another instance in which someone else needed to point out something obvious because I was too preoccupied to realize it. I'm starting to work on it though. More bulletins on that as events warrant.

Other than all of that introspective crap, I am just trying to balance time between work, the girl, and games. Thankfully there will finally be some good stuff launching, and my relationship pwns. Enough is enough for the moment. We'll see if I can stay consistent with updates.

Theo out.