I am feeling a tad smug about my preseason baseball predictions. In particular, the one that has the New York Yankees not being a party to the American League playoffs for the first time since 1993.

As they limp into town to engage the White Sox in a three-game series, the haughty and handsomely paid Yankees have blown 19 of 36 games.

If this keeps up, Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton could be too embarrassed to go out in public in their N.Y. baseball caps on the campaign trail.

I assume the Yankees could use a good laugh. After all, there is nothing funny about failing to win a World Series since 2000, about dreading the wrath of George Steinbrenner or about being forced to watch obnoxious Boston Red Sox movies that star Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore.

Therefore, to lighten their mood, I humbly submit my 2007 New York Yankees pop quiz.

I hope it gives the players a chuckle or two in the visitors' clubhouse Tuesday before they slip into their uniforms.

It is stipulated in newly acquired pitcher Roger Clemens' contract that he:

(A) Makes $10,000 per strike and $9,000 per ball; (B) May pitch in a bathrobe and flip-flops; (C) Must be spoon-fed his postgame meal by catcher Jorge Posada; (D) Never needs to throw a pitch after 10 p.m.; (E) Does not need to bathe after a game unless the Yankees sponge him off in a shower with pure water by Evian or Aquafina.

Alex Rodriguez got off to an amazing start this season because he:

(A) Spent up to half of his salary on bribes to opposing pitchers; (B) Stopped trying to aim foul balls at a loud-mouthed fan; (C) Took Yogi Berra's advice to "only swing at the pitches they throw to you." (D) Decided that baseball desperately needs a human being with a personality to pass Barry Bonds; (E) Began to obey Steinbrenner's orders that he hit a game-winning home run every time up.

Mariano Rivera has struggled a bit so far because he:

(A) Is actually older than both Julio Franco and Joe Torre; (B) Cannot save a game until the Yankees actually lead one; (C) Secretly longs to be a Tampa Bay Devil Ray, but knows it is too late; (D) Did not get the same deal Clemens got, to get all of April off; (E) Injured himself trying to pronounce "Doug Mientkiewicz."

Torre will still be the Yankees' manager until he:

(A) Is replaced by Don Mattingly in late June; (B) Is rehired but replaced by Joe Girardi in late July; (C) Is rehired but replaced by the late Billy Martin in late August; (D) Is rehired but replaced by Don Imus in late September; (E) Is rehired but replaced by Lou Piniella after a sanitarium's anticipated release of Piniella in late October.

Derek Jeter's ultimate ambition as a Yankee is to have:

(A) "Date Every Woman in the Park Night;" (B) Hair as long as Johnny Damon had in Boston; (C) A bunch of Japanese pitchers like they do in Boston; (D) A cool nickname like Yogi Jeter or Whitey Jeter or Bambino Jeter; (E) A boss who is willing to spend however much money it takes to build a winning team—you know, the way the Cubs do.

The "new" Yankee Stadium to be built in the Bronx by 2009 is expected to have:

(A) A non-mugging section; (B) A right-field fence 99 feet from home plate; (C) A hot-dog stand with Randy Johnson Foot-Longs and David Wells Foot-Wides; (D) A subway stop for the exclusive use of Clemens' immediate family; (E) A very surprising new name: Trump Field.

If their record does not improve very soon, you can expect the Yankees to go out and buy:

(A) Boston star David Ortiz; (B) Boston star Manny Ramirez; (C) Boston star Curt Schilling; (D) Boston star Daisuke Matsuzaka; (E) The exclusive rights to the 2007 American League playoffs from ESPN and Fox, neither of which has much interest in any October game that does not involve Boston or New York