Stupidity Is Painful

All my life I've been the one that people shunned, criticized, abused and rejected.  


This took the shape of racial abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and in a few instances...physical abuse.  
I became involved with somebody at a time when I really didn't love myself.   My ex and his family, as well as his friends, behaved in ways that deeply hurt me.   My psyche had already been scarred by years of cruelty from my stepfather, my aunt, and numerous others.  


I love and adore my fiance dearly.   He loves me...despite the fact that I'm not blonde, blue-eyed, or white.   I grew up believing that that was (and is) the only way to be beautiful.   I still suffer with that on a daily basis.   I do have white skin, but I'm considered "non-white" by racists of all colors.  
Lately, I've decided to relinquish the power that other people have had over my ability to love myself.  


My sense of self-worth should NOT be determined by others anymore.   How I live my life is entirely up to me.   I do care about my mother and my fiance, but not even they have the right to run my life or control me.   I want to be able to smile at the woman in the mirror and be cool with her.  
I pity people who ruin the lives of others by making them feel like shit.   It really is funny how people think it is perfectly OK to tell me to my face that I'm "ugly", "stupid", whatever insult they can come up with.    But if I express my personal feelings or opinions in a kind way, they don't like it.  



I've spent most of my life looking for love and acceptance outside of myself.   It never occurred to me that I really am a wonderful person.   Not perfect, but then who is?    I don't need the approval or acceptance of others anymore because I'm starting to look within.   I've been surrounded by people who filled my life and my mind with hurtful actions and hateful words.   Now is the time to look out for #1.  


It will be difficult convincing myself that I am NOT ugly, worthless, inferior, and bad.   But I know I can do it.   It simply hurts to know that there are people out there just like me who are being made to feel this way.    This world is literally overflowing with pain.  
To any young girl in an abusive relationship of any kind, as I once was...end it.   Remember, abuse isn't always physical.   Sometimes it starts when he tells you that you're stupid.  Makes you feel unworthy and unlovable.   Laughs at your expense.   Never treats you with the respect you deserve.   Defiles your body.   You need to realize that YOU have the power and the ability to make decisions that will benefit your life.   You are beautiful, special, and worthwhile.   Sex should never be a tool to catch or keep love.   If conflict within your home is driving you to seek acceptance outside, then you need to look within yourself.   Hindsight is 20/20.   If  I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have become involved with my ex.   


I still have to live with my stepfather despite being engaged.  He has made a conscious effort to be a better person, but his abusive behavior still haunts me.   I don't understand people who mistreat the children of their spouse.  Looking back, there was no justification for the way I was treated.   I wasn't a perfect kid but I was lovable.   Apparently, most people didn't think so and it showed in the way they treated me.   My stepfather constantly belittled me.   I was lazy, rude, dumb, fat, ugly.   He made sexual comments about parts of my body.  He objectifies all women and back then he would have all this pornographic material in the house.    No one cared about my feelings.   No one listened.   If I ever tried to open up and share how I felt, people dismissed me.  I was called a liar and a whore after being raped at 12.   An older guy, about 19 or 20, forced himself on me in the bathroom of  a hotel in the summer of 1996 while my cousin and her friends were in the next room.   No one tried to stop him.   My cousin told me never to tell.   I've lived a life of secrets, denial, and sadness.   


I've always been the "weird" girl.   No one ever looked at me and saw potential.  School was terrible.   Over the years, I came to identify with people like myself...those who were marginalized, ridiculed, and otherwise on the sidelines.    I eventually did become a compulsive liar out of my need to create a better life for myself.   I was ashamed of having a learning disability.    I was ashamed of being multiracial and being ridiculed for the few "ethnic" features that I had.   I was ashamed of being unemployed, not by choice but by circumstances beyond my control.   I was ashamed of my sexuality.    I was ashamed of my body.   I hated being my mother's only child.   I was lonely.   I hated not having anyone to relate to.   
I lied to my fiance when I first met him about what I did for a living.   I wasn't trying to impress him or anything.   I think I lied because deep down, I was ashamed of myself.   And I never knew that he would ever be with somebody like me anyway.   Well, I think that over time he realized that I had been dishonest about that...but I believe that in some small way, he sees that I am a good person.   There are times when I feel misunderstood by him, but he is a pretty wonderful guy.   He will never be able to relate to my struggles, unfortunately...but that is the only real problem between us.  He never had to hide anything or recover from horrendous damage to his self-worth.   Sometimes when people lie, it is to create the illusion that their lives aren't so bad after all.   They're really lying to themselves and this is what I did.    


I don't want my issues to drive him away or turn him off.    I want to be able to love myself and care for myself.   No matter what anyone says or does, I want to be fine with me.   My sense of self-worth has been eroded for years.   Now I want to reclaim my dignity.   I want to affirm who I am and reject external influences that only stunt my growth as an individual.   I think I'll rebuild myself  starting here and now.   I need to know that even if my relationship with him fails or he decides not to marry me, I'll still be OK.    I want to be comfortable in my own skin.   I want to be able to love my hair despite all the racist comments and hostility.   I want to love myself inside out.