MindSay

Have you noticed everybody is disappearing?

I have been thinking about it all day. I lost my dad and my great grandparents when I was only 10. My best friend and my uncle died last year when I was 16. In few weeks, there will be a 1 year anniversity of their deaths. They died on the same day. I was so depressed and I gained alot of weight. Food was my only comfort. It sucked big time. I never felt so happy.....never.

Another thing is....my reputation. I guess I'm tired of being the "bitch who swears like a sailor". I'm just tired of being a lousy student and a lousy family member. I'm so desperate. You know what.....This summer, I decidated my life to God...and I didn't do it....I was still old myself. I wanted to be so different. I wanted to be clean. I have done alot of stuff like smoking, drinking, and few things I can't name and I'm only 17. God, I realized....I'm not myself anymore. I have fought with my family and these are getting worse. They almost kicked me out of home....TWICE! Man, I want God so bad. I want to be clean. I want to be an innocent girl again like when I was a little girl. I miss that old Vicky. I feel so dirty. I swear so much that it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to quit it so badly but it's so hard. I want my hands and my mouth to be clean. I'm just so depserate. I wanted to be a minister....for deaf teenagers in the world..but now...I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel so low. Alot of my friends are accomplishing their goals during I screw around. This year, I already got lousy grades....I promised myself this summer that I will make good grades and make my family proud. Now, I feel like I am not making my family proud. My family is accusing me of being a "damaged goods" (in their own words) . They found out that a guy I dated told everybody that I wanted to have sex with him...it made me so mad! I didn't want to do it TILL I'm ready...which is when I'm married, you know, hopefully. I don't want to get pregenant and destroy my life. I want to go to college and make something out of myself. I want to be something....I want to be a minisiter, a interior designer, or anything. I want to make God, my family, and my friends proud of me. Jeez, I want to break down and cry...I seem like I can't ....I'm too tough, I guess.

Man, I want a "new myself" and change my reputation. I want to be good....like when I was in middle school and I was a freshman. I am so stupid to screw around and make lousy grades. I am not happy anymore. Nothing is making me happy....not even guys, not even food.....nothing. I'm so frickin desperate! Why am I letting my life get screwed up? There is nothing I can do. I am such a failure. No one want me, I know it.

Worst of all, I am thinking about killing myself. =/ I screwed up so much that there is nothing I can fix. I don't care if that's wrong...see, I'm a screwed up kid. I want to be that old Vicky so badly....

My nana described Old Vicky as a sweet, happy, innocent kid who want to make herself and her family proud. Now, I realize I'm such a failure. I messed up so much. I want to cry so bad. Man, I want to be that old Vicky. My family hates the New Vicky so much...I meant, they hate how I act and I let everything be ruined. I should have listened to my nana. Man. I am so screwed up. I really want to make my family and God proud of me. How?

If you are religous or anything, please pray for me....I need help with my life. I want to be a minister to deaf teens or an interior designer. Man, I want to change my life right now. If not, I guess...there is a way...kill yourself?

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princessbubbles on

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hey sweetie!!! oh man i don't know what to say...expect that I love you and don't kill yourself. Seek God...because in the Bible it says that when you seek Him and you will find Him. that's awesome. I will actually get my mom to call your nana tomorrow because it's so late tonight...so. Hope that she will let you come so we can chat this out and stuff! love ya girl!!

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stealmylove4me on

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Well, I'm waiting on your call. lol. I really want to c ya! I miss ya! lol. Thank you for the advice. Your the best. I'm actually going to read the bible today so I hope it'll help me.

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llanoangel on

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i know that you don't know me and what i have to say to youmay have no impact at allor it could change your life i don't know it's all in your attitude and what you are ready for either way i WILL pray for you---ok here's what i have to say, i know what it feels like to be at your lowest point, i know what if fells like to not want to live anymore...but i also have learned the greatness and the purity of Jesus. you have to find some sort of faith and know that God has a plan for you, for me for all of us. i spent an entire year lonely and depressed and doing stupid things and i used to wish everyday that i could go back and change it but i have finally come to a realization that the past is just that, the past and there is no way to change it, only to look forward to the future and make it right...you know what i mean? God doesn't care what happened in your past as long as you are honestly sorry and can ask Him for forgiveness...does that make sense...you have to be ready for it. well i dont know if this is even meaningful to you so i suppose i will stop there...if you feel you need to know anything about me or my past you can ask...and if you want to hear more i have lots of advice...just let me know...i hope this is helpful, suicide is not the answer..plz trust me

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stealmylove4me on

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thank you. i talked to my nana tonight...she gave me alot of advice and stuff like that. so thank you for giving me a lecture, lol.

yeah the suicide is not the way...i guess.

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think4yourself on

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Dear Vicky:

i am praying for you. He is El Roi--the God who sees and sees you and will help you. just listen. just ask. honey, it is NEVER too late to become the Old Vicky again. if you have a Bible, pull it out and read Jesus' words in Matthew or John and i promise you He will give you peace. I've got 30 years on you and i can promise you He is real.

i will keep praying for you and you keep me posted.

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stealmylove4me on

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Thank you very much.

I'm starting to get close to God again and I'm happy. I'm excited about getting to know Him more everyday.

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think4yourself on

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vicky: i have been out of the country. i thought i replied before i left but i can't find any record of it....i am so pleased to know that you are turning back to Him. Don't ever give up! Keep in touch, Vicky--i am praying for you.