it's really hard to talk to people about this because i don't want to seem like i'm a jerk. things are so confusing lately. right now i can't even look at my dad without feeling like i'm going to get sick to my stomach. i want to either move out of this house or get him to leave somehow. i cannot wait til i have the house to myself for a week. it's going to be so nice having mike over. i've missed him so much this past week. but i'm glad he got to spend some time away with his family. and i know it's really hard on my mom because she might lose her job but i know how upset she is still being with him especially since we found evidence he has been cheating on her. last night i had a dream that my dad was trying to kill me. i have slept with my door locked for at least the past month probably more. and whenever he is home i lock myself in my room. i don't even feel comfortable in my own house. i feel like i'm constantly stressed out because i want to try to make things okay but i don't want to talk to my dad and i want my mom to be better. i'd love to believe that people can change but i don't ever think he can. this fake act is temporary. for example my mom and sister didn't want to go to fireworks last night and he came home after being gone all day and blew up at them. i was afraid to come home. i don't even recognize him as my father anymore. of course i would never wish anything bad upon him. but i don't want him in my life anymore. i feel like him being here is just causing harm to everyone. i'm not blaming him for anything but i feel he is such a bad example for us and i cannot wait til i am rid of him. i love my mother, sister, and brother and i don't know what i would do without them. and i tried pretending to be nice but i cannot do it anymore. i'm always frustrated and upset. which was how i was most of the school year. i do not want to go through that during my free time. i was just writing this out because i can't really talk to anyone about it.
