Finally, an outlet

Hi everyone. I am a young mother of two from NYC. Love my kids, love God, love family. I am very open minded but make emotional decisions, or have made emotional decisions in the past. I love my husband or maybe the idea of him. I am so frustrated with him and have no financial independence so wouldn't be able to do anything about my situation without incrdible hardship. My husband, who is educated with a great job earning more than an average late 20 year old. I am so used to living this comfortable lifestyle with my children that the thought of being on my own just scares me. He is constantly cheating on me with girls who are about 10 years younger than him...just for the record...I'm actually pretty hot myself and I am too hot for him...but he still cheats on me...we have beautiful children and I do a lot for him but still, he cheats on me. It all started with hitting. He used to threaten to kill me and attempted a few times but when mentioned later, he said he was just joking or trying to scare me...joking haha so funny...not! Anywho, he used to throw things at me, grab me hard enough to leave bruises, twist my wrist, punch the side of my head, kick me on the floor. This is all before the kids were born....why did I stay you ask? I was scared because I left him before and realized I loved him and went against everyone to be with him...and now if I left...everyone would say told u so...and i would loose him forever...and never know or understand why? Then I got pregnant...after trying for a while. Few months down the pregnancy I found out about his internet cheating. I forgave him, saying if you tell me the truth, I will be understanding. We held eachother and cried for a bit. It was done and forgotten, by him. A few months in our relationship, he just started to act like a jerk. Would verbally abuse me. Tell me what is wrong with me everyday. Then after my first child was born, I got verbally abused by him, and others in the household. It was horrible. My child was colicky and I strictly breastfed and co-slept because after million tries, it didn't work any other way. I was awfully tired and depressed and starved till late at night. I quickly dropped 60 lbs. Hubbi used to sleep in a different room because baby kept us up all night and he had work in the morning. We moved to a new place and hubbi was still jerk like. One day he left his phone at home which led me to find out that he was secretly talking to a girl every night while I was taking care of our child. The affair or friendship lasted 2 years according to the girl and 1 year according to him. It was hard on me because it was a real person, not an internet person. Hubbi went to cleanse himself of his sins and returned to me after a while. I took him back and we got pregnant with our second child. During this pregnancy, he banged my head against the wall once and tried to kill me another time. He kept choking me and I kept starring at him as if I didn't care. Freaked the heck out of my kid. That is what GOT ME! I was like oh hell no...not my kid. Mind you, during the time I was trying to get over the first betrayal, he just slapped me and told me to snap out of it. Well, moving on, then 3 months into the pregnancy I found out about another girl. I had no clue because he was SOOO nice to me and our ahem ahem life was great! I was just looking at his phone and was asking him who kept calling him and who did he keep calling so many times. Dummy left his history, and told me he didnt know who it was so he was trying to figure it out. Anyway, long story short, I spoke to the girl and he lied until he got caught. I was sad again, and once again, he...I can't do this now...this hurts to remember...I will continue another time...and before I go, I know you are probably thinking, why did you stay through this? There is more to my situation. I would lose everything and everyone, or atleast feared it so I couldnt just leave at the time...or even now...I am still with this man who till this day is abusive and cheating on me...and still denies it lol right? men!