You can’t spell painted without pain. There’s a reason for the title. There’s a reason why stats aren’t accurate. There’s a reason why suicide is common. There’s a reason for the cliché’s. There’s a reason for it all, or at least, for most of it. Suicide is the national killer. Cliché’s about suicide formed for those who need to cope with losing a loved one, or for attempting and failing themselves. Not all who commit suicide want to. And no one understands suicide better than those who’ve survived it.
But I can’t vouch for everyone on my suicide. I’ve never cut. I’ve never lowered myself to drugs and alcohol. I’ve never physically hurt another person. I’ve never done half the things considered suicidal. But I attempted, a few years ago. I had my depression medicine with me while I was in the car at my mothers work. I couldn’t tell you what was on my mind, nor could I tell you why I had done it, but I did. I tried drugging myself. Before I took enough to be sent to the hospital, I ran out. I was disappointed then, but now I’m quite relieved.
Ever since, I’ve thought more about life and what reasons there were to continue it. If someone saw a movie about my life, they’d wonder why I haven’t succeeded at suicide. Physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse, as well as emotional neglect is a lot to deal with for one person. There are definitely times I’ve wondered why I haven’t succeeded either. After all, I have major depression, social anxiety disorder, disability to trust anyone and a tendency to think ‘heinous’ acts. And that’s the least of it.
I have four reasons why I haven’t committed suicide: My mother, Joshua, life and myself. I don’t have the ability to leave my mother. She’s the only one who’s been there for me because I needed her, not just because she’s my mother. I don’t have the ability to leave Joshua. He’s become my future, my love. This would be quite long if I extended into why he’s a reason I live. But in short, if it weren’t for him giving me a friend and new hope, I wouldn’t be able to see any part of the path I should be taking. I don’t have the ability to leave life. It’s difficult, depressing, cliché and one of the worst things that seems to happen. But it’s full of surprises and I don’t want to miss them. I don’t have the ability to kill myself because there are things I want to do. I have dreams that need to become reality. I have wants that need to leave. I have needs that have to be taken care of. I have reasons to live.
I want to kill myself, but I don’t want to die. It may not make sense to you, but it does to others and myself who’ve been down a similar path. Suicide is a hot topic. But to understand it, you’d have to find someone willing to talk about his or her experience. The biggest cliché I could tell you, ‘Don’t take those around you for granted.’ I’m not a fan of cliché’s, but that’s one cliché that speaks the truth. You don’t truly know who the next person around you is that’s going to try such an act. But don’t push God onto them either. For the most part, someone who’s suicidal is more likely to not believe in a God.
pain
