Today's notes:

Is it the jacket?? What?

I went to our high school's production of Annie Get Your Gun. It wasn't terrible, but they really could have used another two weeks of rehearsals, maybe three. However, my amazing sisters were the stage manager and the student director for the pit orchestra. Props to the both of them, they are fantastic.

And boyfriend-points to Stabber, or whatever it is I've started calling him now. Well, perhaps not boyfriend-points, just points in general. Apparently me sister got him back to playing his bass again - he's actually quite talented, but for whatever reason dropped it. However, he joined them for their pit orchestra, despite the fact that this is not his high school in any way, and he's long since out of high school and has to put up with an orchestra and cast mostly comprised of juniors and seniors. I'm not sure why, but as it's his girlfriend and my sister who's directing, and he stayed with it, and just because musicians are cool in general (and bass players doubly so - although I think this is diluted in Stabber's case by the personality), points to Stabber.

I came straight from work, so I'm wearing khakis, my jacket, hiking boots. I really don't think it's the outfit...

Oh, today's lesson: Do not run in hiking boots. Even if it's 100 meters or less. Do not run in hiking boots. You will regret it later.

...but I'm standing outside the auditorium, congratulating the munchkin, and at least two people came up to me and said, "Hey, great job!" "Thanks! I was in the audience!" Pause. "Oh." I like to think that we don't look that much alike, but apparently the majority votes against me on this one - and I can still pass for a highschooler. Drat. :P

And lesson for me from today: Sometimes, I find myself in a filthy mood. Just shut down. I had a long day, no, nothing went horribly wrong. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to sit here and think about one thing at a time, preferably only one thing that has nothing to do with work or my day. I don't want to talk about work. I don't want to talk about relationships. I really don't want to talk about things I need to work on. In general, I don't want to talk. Just let me unwind.

If I am not permitted to unwind properly, a kind of resentment builds, where I find myself annoyed with every person I can think of. Knuter is almost always second on the list - this is because whoever's annoying me is first, and Knuter's usually the first person I think of. But it goes down the list further - every person I know and like will irritate me for some reason. And I convince myself that I don't want to see them*, and thinking about them just irritates me further.

However, there's always one person that I forget about. I get so focused on my bad mood - I'm not actually trying to hate everybody I know, it's just everyone who wanders into my mind sort of gets painted with the wrong colors. But I completely forgot my little sister this time (last time it was my Dad). So, over intermission, ran into her. And got hit once again with everything that's amazing about her, and how much I love her - I just about picked her up and twirled her around, I was so happy to see her.

Those chinks in my armor probably save my life.


*This has actually been proven false, we think. We're not totally certain. The only person I don't want to see is whoever's trying to get me to open up and talk about what's bothering me. Seeing Knuter immediately washes away whatever I was irritated with him about - usually because it's either a trumped-up charge, or it's such a small thing in the face of all the great traits he carries that it just seems ridiculous. Or maybe I'm just not built to stay mad, and I only need to be reminded of what's important for it all to go.