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THE HORRIBLE REALIZATION
My husband and I have been separated for 2 years. Two and a half years ago, I found out he was involved with someone. After 6 months of struggling with my anger, distrust, and hurt; I asked him to leave. He did. We have worked so hard to put our marriage back together. The last year, it was finally getting back on track. We're friends again, we're able to talk like we hadn't in so long, we have a closeness that I didn't think was possible to get back. He's assured me that "the other woman" was not in the picture, that it was done long ago. Well, yesterday while he was down having his test, his phone rang. It was her. I answered, she told me who it was, and wanted to see how my husband was. I told her and then she said to me, "I don't understand why you're there and I'm not." I replied because I was his wife and she had no business being there. Her response was a long silence and then "What?" We got talking and both discovered that my husband has been lying to the both of us. He has been seeing her and has never stopped. He told her that our divorce would be final this summer. There are no papers filed. We've been talking about moving back in together. They've talked about getting married sometime in the future. He told her we were just friends now and there was not a relationship other than that and the fact that we are parents together, so he's here a lot to spend time with the kids. LIES, LIES, LIES. She now knows that we are still very involved, physically and emotionally. I now know that they are involved, physically and emotionally. She was crying and apologising profusing. I don't know who is more shocked me or her. She kept telling me if she had known that we were still married and not "just friends", their relationship would have never gone this far...that it was never her intention to interfer with a marriage that was still viable. I found out that he has taken her to meet his family. I've been made a fool of. My MIL, FIL, and his brothers and sisters all know. These are people that have been part of my life for almost 23 years. WTF??? I told my husband last night that I knew everything and that his "woman" and I have been talking. I was able to tell him things that I would only know by talking to her. He's shocked, stunned, the whole gamut; because he's busted. I asked him if he ever thought that we would find out about each other and he said yes, but he hoped it would be after he was dead. Because of his heart, he feels that he is not long for this world, and hoped that he would be struck dead so he would never have to deal with the fact that he has hurt the 2 women that he loves. You know, I'm not perfect, but I take my vows very seriously. Since the day I met him, I have always been faithful. No matter how bad our marriage was, I always have worked hard to keep it going and to do the right thing. I don't believe in divorce. Shit, I don't want a divorce. Despite everything I know right now, and the fact that once again, my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, run over by a truck a few times, and then stuck back in my chest, I still love this asshole and have enough room in my heart for forgiveness. Last night, he told me he loved me and doesn't want to lose me. I told him, then he needed to finish, once and for all, the other relationship. She is going to break it off. She wanted to hear it from him that we're still together and there is no divorce. He has to be honest with her and me now. There is no choice. After a night of no sleep, I can't honestly say how I feel at the dawn of a new day. I'm so angry and so hurt. My mind is saying RUN!!!! I can't do anything rash, I need to clear my head. Right now, I don't want him. I don't want him to touch me or to tell me he loves me. It's a lie. But on the other hand, I love him with all my heart. I want to grow old with him, like we were supposed to. I want to believe in our dreams for the future. I just don't know what I'm supposed do right now. I'm afraid and I'm lost. There is no one I can turn to that will hold me and just let me cry until there are no more tears. My heart can't fathom him being with someone else. If he did leave me for her, I don't know what I would do. The real killer, she's really nice. After talking to her a few times yesterday, we both had to admit, on another plane of reality, we would really like each other. I kind of feel sorry for her. She's been lied to as much as I have, she had future plans that have all been shattered. There are 2 women in his life that he has hurt deeply. Somehow, I will get through this. I will get through each day stronger. My head will be held up. I feel defeated right now, but I have NEVER let defeat stop me. I will hope and pray that he comes back to me, that he can right the wrongs, and that we can pick up the pieces somehow. If not, I can do this alone. I don't know how , but I will. I love him, I hate him, I despise him, I love him, I pity him, I loathe him, and in the end, I love him.
But I will keep you in my prayers and be thinking of you.
Have a good day today!