I went to my first session of addiction counseling today. Didn't think it went well during...or after. But looking back on it a good 12 hours later, I feel...better about it. Came clean with all my friends. And Nick. I think it helped...a little. Asked him if we could talk, and he didn't say no. He said not right now. Which is better than no. (wow, I sound needy--but maybe I need to be needy right now...different tangent...different time) Anyway...she (the counselor) said that I did good coming in (Cynical Autumn says: "Yeah, they always say that...Ca-ching! *scoff*") and that she thinks I "caught it early"...like it's a disease. Which, I suppose, it is. But it doesn't seem like the kind of thing you "catch early." I dunno...I guess she would know. Seems to me that if it's bad enough that other people were noticing (and I'm really good at hiding my problems--I used to cut), then it's pretty bad. But I came totally clean. Told her all about the mini-bar I kept in my car. Told her how I could count on one hand the days I'd been sober in the past 2 months. Come to think of it, I can count on all fingers and toes the number of days I've been sober in the past 6 months. Ouch. Not sure she's being hard enough on me. She's not telling me to stay away from alcohol. She's not...not telling me to stay away from it. But...I just think she'd be jumping all over that one. "Stay away from it...Stay away from people who drink." But...just gonna follow doctor's...err, counselor's orders. She said just...see how I do without drinking. Test my addiction. And to not be so hard on myself. Proud to say, I'm avoiding temptaion. The second one...not so much. What I've done is wrong, self-destructive, and harmful to others. I've gotten out of control. And that's hurt others.

Anyway...can you guess why I slept with Fetske? Cuz...I know exactly why. Not an excuse. At all. But an explanation. A poor one.

SO! Here goes. I am an alcoholic.