Where is my Mark Darcy?

I'm a ridiculous prat. I'm the kind of girl that sits down and watches Bridget Jones' Diary, then lays at awkward angles on her bed, pretending someone else is next to her when in fact she's entirely alone. I'm embarrassed to say I'm the kind of girl that closes her eyes and imagines there's someone there running their lips along her neck and may actually look like she's having an epileptic fit of mental ecstasy because the idea of that event taking place is so utterly astronomical that she must make do with her imagination, and her imagination can be quite a powerful tool.

I'm the girl who's 19, going on 20 this December, and is still a virgin in every sense of the word. I'm the girl who's had one semi-serious relationship throughout her entire adolescence and even that only lasted three weeks. I'm the girl who forced herself to that think dating was not important, said it didn't matter if she was with someone or alone, when fact she dreamed every day that some Prince Charming would catch her eye in class or bump into her on the street and immediately be charmed by her goofy smile, her bashfulness around strangers, or maybe even her awkward, sometimes gawky movements.

I'm not graceful or beautiful; I wasn't engineered to be a proper lady. I'm lewd, I drink, I swear, I make inappropriate jokes in serious situations, I'm intelligent, I'm obnoxious, and I'm loud. I'm not the kind of girl you put in a ball gown, hand a champagne flute, and tell to mingle so that she might elevate the station of her friend or significant other.

I'm the girl who's been alone her entire life, and while I haven't been afraid of being alone (in fact, I sometimes treasure it), I've been terrified of the lonely emptiness I often feel when I realize that friendship is not nearly as important to others as romance or love. I could live my entire life content with friendship, but friends have lives of their own. For once, I want someone to devote themselves to me. Not worship me, but to drop everything for me if I need them really badly.

I'm the girl who sits here on her blog and talks about how much she wants to be romanced, but in reality I'm scared of it. I'm scared to even try because I've had my heart broken by so many boys who were careless. I've had crushes, and maybe I've even loved one boy, but I've been set aside as the friend for most of my life.

I'm the girl next door, the girl that a boy tells everything to but doesn't love her back in the way she wants, doesn't show gratitude in the manner she longs for.

I'm just... a mess of contradictions, and desperately lonely.