friendship
Not that the girl hadn't made me cry occasionally in the past.
Perhaps it was the alcohol, this time, I don't know. Although, I doubt that it was much of a factor.
It was the night after my first date with Aimee. I was sitting in Nikki's loungeroom with another of her friends, Matt. All of us had had a little bit to drink, and all of us were sobering up. Nikki was snobbing us, surfing the internet in her room while Matt and I talked.
She came into the room: "David, I saw a picture of that girl on myspace. She's hideous."
I just sat there, kind of stunned. I forget what I said, but I was kind of lost for words. Matt and her started talking about something else, and I continued to sit there, with a blank expression frozen on my face. Suddenly, it was too much, and I silently strode out of the room, got a drink of water, said a brief good night and retired to the spare room.
The tears started to leave my eyes as soon as I had turned the light off and climbed into bed. It's hard to explain why it upset me so much. Maybe I took the insult personally? I don't know. I recall a similar situation roughly a year ago when one of my male friends called Anisha (a girl I had a thing for) ugly. I had to leave the scene then, too.
Nikki must have wondered where I went, and she came looking for me. I managed to give her a teary smile when she came in. She sat down on the side of the bed, and asked me what was wrong.
As I tried to talk about it, the tears really started to flow and my voice broke. I talked about the last few weeks at university, and the amount of stress I had been under. I had talked about my encounter just a week before, when I had gone to Cube (Canberra's gay night club) almost in desperation and picked up a 29 year old man, taken him to a park and kissed him. My self esteem has never been lower than it was at that point. I tried to explain how this girl, Aimee, had suddenly made me feel good about myself again, and that by putting her down, Nikki was kind of kicking me in the guts. This was all perhaps a little garbled, and through tears, but she understood, I think.
Nikki responded that she was just trying to be honest, but admitted that she was jealous. Brutal honesty, as might be gathered, is her forte, although she is never cruel.
She said that it was difficult to accept that there was another girl in my life, and as I replied, we had such a deep friendship that jealousy would inevitably occur when either one of us had a significant other.
I had realised before that this would be something of a problem. As I have posted several times in this blog, I love Nikki. She has also said on a couple of occasions (including during this conversation) that she loves me. How would that work if we were in relationships with other people? Seeing as how we've both been single since I've known her, it has never been a problem up until now.
At this point, the tears had dried up, and I felt much better. We talked of a few other things, and I bid her good night as I opted to stay in bed for the rest of the night, due to tiredness.
Now, let me say something about Matt. He has known Nikki longer than I have, indeed he was there the night I met her. Since that time though, he had only sporadically been in contact with her, and had been extremely jealous of my relationship with her.
Lying in bed, I could hear them talking in her room. Of course, one shouldn't listen into a private conversation, but one rarely does what one should. It immediately became apparent that they were talking about me.
Matt was angry that she had come in and comforted me. He insinuated that I was too weak to stand up for myself, and even that I was trying to take advantage of her. She, to her credit, defended me thoroughly.
Sometime, that night, I realised how much I loved her. It was ironic that it took a thoughtless, even spiteful, comment from her to make me realise that. I also realised that she, although she would be the only one to know the depth of her feeling, loves me.
I have never felt like this with anybody else. Even, as hard as it is to admit, my family does not inspire as much love from me (unless, perhaps, I do love them subconciously). And yet, I have long accepted that Nikki and I will probably never be together.
Have I created something of a nightmarish problem? Will I go through life, unable to have partners simply because my love for them pales compared to my love for Nikki? I am already doubtful of my relationship with Aimee, as my feelings for her are rather non-existent at the present time. She's pretty, and that's about it. That's not to say that I won't grow feelings for her as I get to know her better, but it does not augur well at this point.
Let me put it this way: I had the insane thought, last night, that I could actually marry Nikki. I thought of, kind of half-seriously, proposing to her. Maybe I will some years down the track.
But I've got to realise it's not likely. For one thing, even though she claims she is bisexual, she clearly prefers females. Although, who knows how her mind works, as she has said that she wants to marry a guy eventually. I'm of the opinion that society (mostly in the form of her family) has drummed into her for so long the idea that same-sex attraction is wrong, that she feels guilty of her sexuality and thus wishes to temper it. What, though, does love have to do with sexuality? Must who you love be dictated by who you are sexually attracted to?
It's all far too confusing for me. And now is the last time I should be having such thoughts. Surely I should be concentrating my feelings on Aimee, the girl I'm actually going out with.
But, could I actually cry in front of Aimee? I doubt it.
