All aboard!

The train ride to disaster! Hurray! I love train rides mommy! Not this one you fool, this one leads you to a one stop, no turning around, point of no return... There's nothing you can do but hold on... or is there?

I have to regain myself... i hate feeling this way so much, its a vicious cycle that i can't seem to break... Its got to end though... i have no help either, i'm all alone... Family supports my good actions, thats not enough... Maryellen talks to me again, thats not enough... Medicine doesn't work, that definatly doesn't help... i feel like a black hole... or how my toe felt when i woke up earlier... numb... as i said i want to change it, cause i don't like feeling like this, but every time i turn around the train speeds up and rams into a brick wall... fuck, a steel wall... the train survives to do it again, and i get back on, bloody and injured... it may seem like the only way to go is up, but i find a way to get lower...

its not that bad today... i drank too much last night and haven't touched it today... that doesn't mean i don't think about doing it... my thoughts betray me... how can i be honest to anyone when i lie to myself...? i need to take things slow... sleep is good, but its hard to do these days... friends would be nice, but my only peer is Maryellen, and she isn't always available... my family doesn't understand how hard it is to be me... i find it quite easy to fuck things up... since i betray myself, i can't rely on myself, but thats the only person that i have...

i'm going to keep a level head this time... mistakes happen... and if the past 3 months have been a mistake, then so be it... i'm still alive to correct it... if i give up, then there really is no hope... i really think about that sometimes, but i'm not, those thoughts are put there to destroy me, and i'm through being a puppet to self-destruction... i'm not saying that i won't mess up again, but i'm going to really put some effort into this... how can i be sure i'm not just lying to myself again...? Thats for me to figure out...

its always "one more time" "forgive me" "i'm sorry" "i'll never do it again" "i'm really going to try this time" I'm so pathetic... i always mess up, and its partially because i don't give a fuck about life right now... i need to wise up and realize that i have messed up perfectly good bonds between me, myself, and my fellows... all for naught... Simple pleasures, that lead to simple lies, to simple betrayals, to major losses... I have a serious problem right now, but it can be fixed...

At least i have the balls to admit it here to whoever, but thats not enough... i need to work myself into shape mentally... i need to feel good, i need to keep up with the good sides, and when negative thoughts enter my head, dismiss them... if i have hurt you, i'm sorry, i truly am... look upon me and despair, for i now know why you would never talk to me again... hell, i wouldn't if i were you... but if you give me support, i will accept it... just breath B...

i still hate feeling this way... but i can already feel it leaving... just don't let my guard down...