my testimony in a nutshell

I let you down again

I made a promise I couldn’t keep.

Some things got hard in life

And I made scars that were really deep.

You asked me how I was doing

I told you I was great

But when I smiled and said that

I thought my heart was going to break.

My thoughts were suicidal

My goal in life was death

Life no longer appealed to me

Demons screamed inside my head

One night I tried to do it

Just get rid of all my pain

The night was cold and dark

And it began to rain

I wanted to swallow the pills so bad

To stop the noise inside my head

But then I chickened out

And went safely back to bed

Sometimes I want to kick myself

For not ending all my heartache

I get so mad sometimes

And feel like such a fake

I wish I could be real for once

Not pretending all the time

I wish that I could be speaking truth

When I say I’m fine

All I live for now

Is for the day to end

I wish that I could tell the truth

To you, my closest friend

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before i became a true christian this poem was the absolute truth. i hated life. every second of every day seemed to drag on and on for hours. i would tell friends nothing was wrong. even though it was a complete lie. but alot of them believed me. except for one person. my best friend Aryana. i wanted to tell her the truth but couln't bear the thought of her knowing my darkest secret. but it seems she already knew just by spending time with me, she was able to figure it out. she ended up inviting me to go to a home meeting with her called: Liberty Tree. at first i thought it was weird. with all the people dancing around singing to God, and speaking in a language that no one undersands (speaking in tongues) i sriously thougt everyone had lost it. and at first i thought "what have i gotten myself into???" but at the end of the meeting. this woman came up to me and gave me a big hug. she told me she was glad i had come and that she hoped to see me at the meeting again the next week. and i was thinking: "lady you must be on crack or somthing! there is NO WAY IN HELL i'm ever coming back to this nut house!" But strangly enough the next week, Aryana asked me if i wanted to go to the meeting again. i was actually open to the idea.....(which is def. a God thing)

so i went. this time however we had some visitors for our meeting. their names were : Jamie, Tayler, Naomi, Kori, and Brittanie. they were from a ministry team called: The A-team. (which is like a group of people who go all over the country to do the work of ministry for God's kingdom) They fit in extremely well at Liberty Tree. it wasn't long b4 they were all up dancing around,shouting, singing, and speaking in tongues. i sat on the couch feeling a little scketched out by all the noise. Aryana sat next to me for moral support. then to my shock, all the A-teamers' collapsed on the floor histerically LAUGHING!!!!!! i was so surprised, and i thought someone was going to yell at them for being "unreaverent" or something....but no one spoke against it. through their tears (from laughing so hard) the girls on the floor looked up at us and invited us to join them. NOW i SERIOUSLY thought they had lost their marbles. so i sat and wached as they once again collapsed into fits of giggles. and while i wached them, i couldn't believe myself but i started laughing too! it was impossible not to! just looking at them wiggling on the floor laughing so hard it brought them tears, was enough to make me fall of the couch in a fit of giggles. we layed there for about a half an hour trying to compose ourselves. and when we finally did. it was almos time for us to go home. but before we left, all the girls from the A-Team proficide over Aryana and me. (which is like when God gives a person a word or a vision to speak over someone) when they spoke over me i thought it was all fake. this couldn't be real.... these people don't even know me at all. i almost fell off the chair when they started praying over me. it was like God had told them the secrets in my life. and then he sent a blessing to me. and he told me my light would never burn out. and to me that one sentence meant more to me then anything anyone could have said to me. we left that night and i couldn't believe what had happened. i was suddenly SO pumped up for God. the next few weeks were awsome. we continued to go back to Liberty Tree. i hadn't seen the A-teamers in two weeks because the had continued on with their tour. then we heard of a meeting called: "17 days of desperation" that was going to be going on about an hour and a half away. and the A-Team was going to be there! the 17 days thing was a time to cry out to God and to prayer for the things going on in the world. we went and it was SO invigorating! pretty soon i was up with everyone else singing , and shouting praise to God. and we got to felloship some more with our A-Team friends! every night, the meeting would start out with worship, then if anyone felt led to share a word of testimony they were invited to go up to the microphone and share. well since God had done such an amazing work in my life, Aryana, and the A-Teamers all tried to get me to go up. and even though i wanted to, i was extremely shy and there was about a 60 or 70 people in the room. i was just too self-concious to go up and tell my life story with them. but after 4 or 5 days, God really began pressing on my heart to go up and share. was shaking so badly all the way up to the front of the room and i was so gratful for the older man that was up there at the microphone, because he put his arm around me and without that support, i probably would have collapsed onto the floor. so i shared my story with that whole group of people i went into detail about the things i had been invoved in that year. i had released information i had never shared even with my closest friends. and as i walked back to my seat,. i felt about a hundred pounds of pressure being lifted of my shoulders. and i felt like i could suddenly fly. it was so hard to say goodbye to my A-Team friends. they had done so much for me and there was no way i could have repayed them. but i still get talk to them online sometimes. so it works our wonderfuly. Aryana and i have now become closer then ever, and we make sure we keep eachother out of trouble. we still go to Liberty Tree, and have a grate time too. i'm so glad for God putting a friend like her in my life. without her, i probably wouldn't still be here. so if your reading this hun! THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! DON'T EVER FORGET THAT!!!!!
~Emily~