I use to open myself up alot. I use to speak alot about my sex abuse and want to help others. Then I was diagnosed with Bipolar and wanted to do the same.  I would find myself on the public bus just sharing with people. I got lots of looks, but also others who related would feel comfortable opening up.  It often bit me in the butt to share so deeply with people, even my own family.  I definately don't share near what I use to.  Sometimes I think thats how I ended up with less friends because I just decided it was better for me to just close myself off. I don't know... The last two years or so, I have definately felt like I"m not really alive.  And I keep trying to get that feeling back through my relationship with God.  But I don't do so well staying focused. 

The last two years or so, I have definately felt like I"m not really alive.

Now that I am aware of what I do to me out my reaction to them, I'm trying to find a new perspective. Otherwise, I'll keep on and keep on until I don't recognize myself at all any more. I was driving down the street yesterday and the thought came to me, "Whatever happened to that openly jolly girl I used to be 15 years ago? Where did she go? Why have I changed to point where I have to ask that question anyway?" That girl was passionate about life. She'd get up in front of an audience and sing her heart out. Oh and she would laugh, she laughed all the time. Going where nobody knew her name was no problem, after she left everyone would be begging for her to return soon. What happened to her? She's still here, but I have closed her off. I thought it was protection, but it's actually not protection at all.